“Why is it hard to find a Domme?” – and other things not to say.

There’s an alarming regularity that someone will write on a forum something like “Why is it hard to find a Domme?”, “Where are all the Dommes?”, “My fetish is a bit niche so it’s hard to find someone…”

To a degree. I get it. Your copy paste message didn’t yield a response. That one person you were talking to stopped replying. You attended 3 munches or one club and didn’t get any play.
And, you’re disappointed because you feel you put effort in and got nothing back.

So, then… you make the post “Why is it so haaaaaaard….?” and that doesn’t actually help your case, and I’m going to explain why.

whyyyyyyyyyy

IT’S SELF PITYING

Oh woah is you, you can’t find a Domme. Boohoo.

IT’S LAZY

Everyone knows you’ve not put in any effort.  Being active online, attending munches and events. So on. You will soon find you’re interacting.

IT’S ENTITLED

That basically, it implies that you SHOULD have a relationship and someone SHOULD give you a chance for the simple reason that you EXIST.

IT’S NEGGING

You probably will have interacted with people – they just weren’t interested in you.
If you’re even adding in words like “real” or “genuine” then you’re pretty much implying that others are fake with the sole evidence that they weren’t interested in you.
(So, more entitled).

IT’S ISSUING A CHALLENGE

You’re hoping that by posting “where all the real Dommes?” one will pipe up.  You can then message them and if they don’t agree to meet/play with you – then you will brand them as fake (see ‘negging’) Or, better still, you hope one will prove-they’re-real by doing so.

IT’S AN EXCUSE

It’s not the only excuse, but “It’s hard” is an excuse you’re giving yourself for your shortcomings.

IT’S ATTENTION SEEKING

Again, expecting to attract pity or support – but I’m going to tell you why that’s a problem soon.

THE PROBLEM WITH ATTENTION SEEKING

The problem with attention seeking is that most people can see this is what you’re doing.
Some, through misguided kindness, might waste their time offering you help that you probably won’t listen to.
No doubt there will be other people in a similar situation join in and creates a circle of people who have had similar problems.   This doesn’t help you.
But, you’ll also get perhaps someone who does feel sorry for you and might actually offer something.
Play through pity is, well, not what you should be aiming for.  But also be cautious as it may well be a “If you come to this club/event then I will play with you” and often not mentioning that they RUN or profit from said club.

OTHER PHRASES TO AVOID

As well as “Why is it so hard…” or “Where are all the Dommes?” other things to avoid include “genuine”/”real” (implies others aren’t)
Anything attacking “Why do (all) women want money?”
“I’m looking for someone to show me the way” and anything that is along the lines “I would be good if given a chance”
and… “But I’m not looking for a Pro” / “No Findom” / etc.

“BUT I’M NOT LOOKING FOR A PRO… OR FINDOM…”

So, don’t contact them. Simple. If someone is clearly a Pro-Domme then do not contact them.  The Pros who have relationships beyond sessions with their subs have come from those who have started with sessions and expecting to shortcut is entitlement.

A big problem which is something I’ve highlighted many times – a lot of “subs” ultimately want a Pro-Domme style session without paying for one.
This is something that, well, most Ladies aren’t interested in – because, well, what do they get out of doing fetishes for every random newbie who wants it?

THE REALITY

don’t be this guy!

It can be hard to find someone, the more conditions you put into what you’re looking for the harder it gets.
But, this is something you can make harder if your attitude is wrong, if you are entitled, or come across as a negative person.
Accepting that it might take a little while to get what you want and learning about the lifestyle will help you meet and interact with people where there will be mutual interests.

But ultimately, if you want to find a Domme – go to where they are… you’re never going to find one sat in your room, whining on the internet.