If you google “myths about submission” the vast majority of results that come back are bias towards submissive women.
And this is valid, and a lot of points are completely transferable, but – all too often I see myths that a lot of submissive men feel about themselves, or feel they have to live up to, or that they face.
YOU’RE NOT A REAL SUB IF/UNLESS…
There’s a fallacy known as ‘no true Scotsman fallacy’ which argues points of what a “true” Scotsman would or wouldn’t do. Be it have oats for breakfast, or steal a purse or whatever.
The thing is if you were to try to list what someone ‘true’ would or wouldn’t do you’d end up on numerous points people argued over, and even a finalised agreed list it’d be impactable for people to meet every point.
This is entirely true in kink.
Of course, “submissive” is somewhat of a catch-all term and does include everything from shall we say a ‘Devoted Servant’ to someone who gets an erection with feet in their face.
And while there’s stuff a lot of subs can learn from in mistakes they may make – if you identify as submissive but that involves doing a few activities you enjoy as foreplay or sex, that’s valid, but do research that’s what someone who says they have an opening for a sub is looking for.
SUBMISSIVE MEN ARE WEAK OR LESSER MEN
Sometimes, particularly during play, some people do get off on the idea they’re a lesser man, or not a real man, or weak, or pathetic. So on.
But that is only through mutually enjoyable consensual play.
It’s also not the reality.
I’m not going to give a trope about “strength in submission” or “actually a lot of sub guys work successful jobs” or whatever.
I’m saying whatever your shade of submission, it’s rarely weak.
I mean, it’s often raising someone else up, not putting yourself down.
To consider someone weak because they like doing certain activities comes from a place of toxic masculinity and probably own insecurities – which is probably a weakness in itself.
Of course, there are women who might be “No, I’m sorry – I could never sleep with a guy who does x, y, z” well, that’s OK – he probably doesn’t want to sleep with you anyway.
YOU NEED TO BE INTO PAIN/PEGGING/WHATEVER…
Nope. But there is a mistake I’ve seen some guys wander into.
So the idea of “doing it for your Mistress” is a very noble idea. So you’re not into pain, pegging, whatever but you will do it for your Mistress.
But, who is your Mistress?
If you enjoy the idea of “doing it for her” cos it’s someone you are in a relationship with and you want to help them realise their fantasies, if it’s a Pro where you’ve reached a level where you like the idea of “doing it for her” that’s valid also.
But if Mistress X like heavy pain and you don’t, then it might be better to find a Mistress who is into things closer to what you like. Not all Dominants like the same things anyway!
Especially if you’re doing paid sessions. If you want to do foot play, book a one hour foot fetish session with someone who specialises in it. Don’t book a two hour session with someone else, going through stuff you don’t enjoy, in the hope you do foot worship at the end unless, specifically, that’s the experience you want.
SUBS ARE VULNERABLE AND BEING EXPLOITED
So, before people start screaming whataboutisms at me or their screen. Yes, exceptions apply.
But in all walks of life there are people who will take advantage of someone else’s good nature either deliberately, or in taking for granted. And yes, that can happen.
People will also talk of online scams, alas dating scams are big business.
But what I’m saying is that this is not the standard.
There are people who might say that subs are being preyed on by money hungry women, either outright or feigning concern – but this comes from a position of being anti-sex work rather than any form of reality.
Also somewhat to be mindful of are those who didn’t get what they want and are bitter because of it – a lot of online-only ladies you literally pay for interactions. This is also not to say the other person isn’t enjoying it. But if, say, you have 100 messages in your inbox, it’s much easier to choose to spend time speaking with those who are paying for the time.
While, stuff can be complex. In a general rule there is no exploitment in paying for a session, or someone’s time, and getting just that.
A BROKE SUB IS USELESS
Unless we’re talking ‘broke’ in the sense of physically, mentally or financially unable to continue because they’ve been pushed too much, then yes.
This comes up as a big trope in a lot of online Findom and is meant to play into a fantasy even if this doesn’t always come across as intended.
But also, I’m guess. If you don’t have the money for a session, don’t approach a stranger with some form of barter. You wouldn’t walk into a pub where you weren’t known and say “if you give me a bar tab for free, I’ll sweep the floor badly at the end” and if you did, you’d probably be laughed out of the bar.
However, of course there have been cases where a sub has ran into financial problems (unexpected home repair, redundancy, other emergency, etc) and being worried about telling a Domme/Mistress/Partner they have rapport with.
Alas there are some stories of people running up debt trying to hide the money issues in the hope things sort out long term.
A lot does come down to the context of your relationship. If it’s someone who you live with, for example, that you can both look at household income/expenditure
If it’s a play partner then is there a way you can help each other out.
If it’s a Pro, you’re unlikely to get free sessions but depending on the context of your relationship and any skillsets there may be other uses. Equally, if you have to step back from sessions, chances are they’ll still be here when you come back.
SUBS TOP FROM THE BOTTOM AND TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM IS BAD
I’ve written more about that previously.
But, in short. Topping from the bottom can be bad, but that often involves manipulating play or trying to constantly direct during play.
Any form of pre-pay negotiation, after care discussion, or raising your wants or needs is neither topping from the bottom, nor bad.
Some subs become afraid to speak up with things they want, or aren’t working, and this is important to raise before things get worse.
Of course in some cases communication could reveal that things aren’t working in general and it ends the dynamic. But this is better than remaining in a situation where one or both of you are unhappy.
Obviously, in some dynamics it’s obviously about putting the Dominant first, but this doesn’t mean your own wishes are unimportant.
SUBS GETTING PLAY/RELATIONSHIPS ARE LUCKY
There’s an element of complexity when it comes to ‘luck’, and there is always an element of luck, but luck alone is not enough.
So, for example those with good relationships with Pros have booked sessions, become regulars, perhaps done additional support outside of play.
Those who are known within their communities put in effort, making friends, building rapport, growing a positive reputation.
Those in a relationship with a partner, again, this involves solid commitment to making both the relationship and dynamic work.
I’m not saying all men who identify as submissive are faultless, flawless, misunderstood creatures. Rather than I just want to broach common myths.