Re-reading my 2018 review I couldn’t help but get a sense of de ja vous.
Initially, I’d tried and failed to write a 2019 write-up I was happy with.
That, as I’m sure most people will know, I find it important to be open, honest and authentic.
Presenting “everything is wonderful” ignores some of the bad times and struggles and sometimes glosses over emotions.
I often thought I was cursed with Mixed Wrestling.
It’d been something I’d be curious to be involved in; every time I tried to sort something, something would happen.
Injuries, last minute problems, someone else just pipping me on applying on shoots or whatever.
I have been incredibly and wonderfully busy recently – the downside of this is that it’s been really difficult to individually blog all of the experiences.
Though, I don’t like to blog *everything* for assorted reasons.
I’ve not really touched on it in my blog, but I am no longer in service to Miss Suzanna.
All anyone needs to know is that I’m no longer in service to her and that we’d both like to remain friends.
So, it’s here. My own Femdom clipstore.
Who’d have thought it?
When I first started filming 3 years ago it was a little bit “Wouldn’t this be fun to do sometime”. Things have come a little way since then.
Of course the idea of my own store drifted in and out, but it wasn’t one I really felt I’d ever do.
“What you going to write? That we drank tea and talked?”
“Maybe I will…”
It’s funny, really. And an important reminder of the importance of doing things without set expectations and to enjoy taking things as they come.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve found things fairly tough for a while now.
It’s felt a bit that just as one thing was going right or getting sorted another thing was going wrong and it’s felt like constant firefighting for, well, pretty much 18 months or so.
This has led to some really, really, low points – and I’m grateful to those who tried to support me at the time.
It wasn’t an intention to go for a landmark number of clips; but, perhaps that in itself was why doing my 200th clip was so valuable.
I’d talked on and off about doing some filming with Nina Hiss – and good fortune had meant that she was available at a time I was in London anyway for a concert.
I sat the other day and felt I hadn’t made a diary post in quite some time.
I then looked over and found there’d been just one diary style post within the last 8 months – and that was a “behind the scenes” style post.
Now. Sometimes, I do things and don’t want to diary things. That I just want things to be retained as a special memory, rather than documenting things making my kink journey some form of Truman Show.
A review of the year is fairly… it’s tricky.
See, I’ve attempted a few drafts – because I feel there’s this balance difficult to weigh up.
I could just showcase my highlights, but that doesn’t really look too much at the times I’ve struggled.
But some of the drafts where I discuss my struggles ends up overshadowing the good bits and sometimes make me seem entitled or ungrateful.
Every now and then I get a message from another guy.
The general vibe is usually
“You get to do cool things and meet nice Women, I would also like that”
Sometimes I even get “maybe you could take me with you.”
No stranger. I don’t know you from shit, taking you with me would be a form of vouching and I can’t vouch for you because I don’t know you and any bad behaviour will reflect on me.