I’m not going to lie, I’ve found things fairly tough for a while now.
It’s felt a bit that just as one thing was going right or getting sorted another thing was going wrong and it’s felt like constant firefighting for, well, pretty much 18 months or so.
This has led to some really, really, low points – and I’m grateful to those who tried to support me at the time.
It wasn’t an intention to go for a landmark number of clips; but, perhaps that in itself was why doing my 200th clip was so valuable.
I’d talked on and off about doing some filming with Nina Hiss – and good fortune had meant that she was available at a time I was in London anyway for a concert.
I sat the other day and felt I hadn’t made a diary post in quite some time.
I then looked over and found there’d been just one diary style post within the last 8 months – and that was a “behind the scenes” style post.
Now. Sometimes, I do things and don’t want to diary things. That I just want things to be retained as a special memory, rather than documenting things making my kink journey some form of Truman Show.
A review of the year is fairly… it’s tricky.
See, I’ve attempted a few drafts – because I feel there’s this balance difficult to weigh up.
I could just showcase my highlights, but that doesn’t really look too much at the times I’ve struggled.
But some of the drafts where I discuss my struggles ends up overshadowing the good bits and sometimes make me seem entitled or ungrateful.
Every now and then I get a message from another guy.
The general vibe is usually
“You get to do cool things and meet nice Women, I would also like that”
Sometimes I even get “maybe you could take me with you.”
No stranger. I don’t know you from shit, taking you with me would be a form of vouching and I can’t vouch for you because I don’t know you and any bad behaviour will reflect on me.
This is a slightly rare blog post in the sense that… I don’t actually appear very much.
I spent most of the week behind a camera, often trying to keep a straight camera and straight face for a few days that were a lot of fun.
Someone asked me on Curious Cat “What does ownership mean to you?”
I replied, of course, that this wasn’t something I could sum up in a couple of lines.
I have been working on drafts regarding ownership for a while. Previously, my own views – and then later – that of course I am now under consideration from Miss Suzanna.
So. Enjoy the ride…
A lot of people call things different things, just to make things less straight forward.
In vanilla relationships you might meet somebody, date, then get engaged, then get married.
Do I deserve this?
I am going to cut straight to the chase, I struggle, at times, with ‘Impostor Syndrome’.
In saying that – sometimes when I’m struggling I do acknowledge this is the problem, that it is a known thing. But, that doesn’t, always, help.
“You actually asked for this?”
“Meet Amelia… you may give her a kiss”
So, I did – a little kiss planted down the length of the leather.