Journey and Opinions of a BDSM Kinkster

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Opinion Pieces

Why does everyone have OnlyFans all of a sudden?

It’s probably not unnoticed that there are a rise in people signing up to create their own page on a platform like OnlyFans (or AdmireMe, AVN Stars, so on)

Along with this comes the rise in people bitching about people signing up for them.
Whether there’s a hint of fairness (“not so long ago you posted something against this”) or not (“so now everyone is a model?”) or a hint of entitlement and manipulation (“So people won’t do this unless they’re paid, huh? What happened to doing it for fun?”)

There’s a lot of thoughts this churns up within me – I’d like to share. Especially for anyone new to this or chewing sour grapes.

Patterned Behaviour – Breaking the Pattern

I feel there’s a trap some people fall into – which is based on behaviour patterns.  If you are doing these things, you may be limiting yourself.

There is a kinda prejudice to this, but a logic to the prejudice.

It’s not about that you’re a “straight white male” or “older”. But, that your behaviour is following patterns that people have seen before.  We know how it ends.

Releasing lockdown : kink won’t return straight to normal

Whilst none of us have a crystal ball, I think one of the next things to come to terms with is that restrictions to cope with the covid19 outbreak are not here for the short-term.

I appreciate a lot of the posts of optimism, but it’s important to also prepare for reality.

There’s a nice upbeat meme on Facebook.
Imagine when lockdown is over – we’d all be running outside our houses, hugging each other.  Ringing Nan to say, “Pop the kettle on I’m coming over”.  Imagine that first pint in the pub.

So on.

It’s a nice feel good fantasy.

There Should be an app for that – why your favourite fetish and sex sites don’t have an app

There Should be an app for that – why your favourite fetish and sex sites don’t have an app

There’s a whole bunch of sex and fetish websites that people will state they feel there should be an app for.

I don’t want to sound like “old man shouts at cloud” when I say I sometimes don’t understand the obsession for apps (said as someone with pages and pages of them on my phone) particularly when there’s an otherwise functioning and mobile optimised website.

Covid19 and kink : submission and Domination without meeting

Covid19 and Kink

There’s probably a whole raft of blogs I could write on covid19. Not that I’m a particular expert, I’m not saying that, but on how it’s going to affect us in kink.

Some clubs and events went before the government asked venues to close. The rest obviously have had their hands forced.

While there may very well be some trying to host mini parties, filming events, sessions or meet – currently the advice is, well, not to.

So, unless you live with your Dominant/submissive/play-partner your ability to serve/interact/indulge in kink is likely to be somewhat limited.

And we’ve only just started.

Sex work is a luxury, not a right

There’s something important that easy to forget about the industry and lifestyle in general.  Sex work is a luxury.

Access to it is a luxury; not a right.

Your needs in life are food, water, shelter.

Even if you move up the hierarchy of needs; sex, kinks and fetishes are not on there.

The pitfall of ‘personal responsibility’

I think something I want to make as a point is that sometimes how you respond to an incident or allegations can often say as much about you as the actual incident or allegation.

So if, for example, there’s a high profile sexual assault case and you start picking apart the victims story (which simultaneously complaining about ‘trial by social media’) what this does is it tells your friend, family, clients, customers, so on that you would do the same with them.

From a lot of this; one buzz phrase I think is overused and irresponsible is ‘Personal Responsibility’.

Within the kink and fetish scene in particular a lot of things are not black and white.

Ask not what your Dominant can do for you; ask what you can do for your Dominant

I feel that in a couple of recent posts [including my recent blog post] and some comments I’ve made on social media that, there’s things I’ve implied that take away from somewhat of a core message.

Without wishing to defend myself too much; I find a big problem is trying to keep blogs down from being epic opuses, when there’s so many branch points off.

But, not just me – there’s something many others are missing, forgetting, or not always relaying…

So – subs, would be subs, slaves and would be slaves.

The most important message you should constantly be drilling through your head is…
Ask not what your Dominant can do for you; ask what you can do for your Dominant.

Does my Domme really like me, or is it purely financial?

This is a blog I think a number of conversations and more has led me to write; but it’s arguably controversial.

“Does she really like me, or is it purely financial?”

Oh. OK.

I suppose a counter argument could be from a Dominant, “Does the sub really like me or the fantasy of me? The fetishes? So on”

To me
The real questions you should be asking are:
Am I enjoying myself?
Am I happy with how things are going?

Top Posts of 2019

In previous years I’ve retweeted out some of my most read blogs of the year, but this time I thought I’d put them all in one link.

There’s been a mixed bag of the educational, the funny and the diaries… so, a good chance to catch up on some you may have missed.

“Topping from the Bottom” – a misused term

A somewhat common phrase within kink is “Topping from the Bottom” which is also presented as being a bad thing.

I do agree that it is, if not consensual – and can be bad for both the Dominant and the sub in scenes.
However, I also feel that it’s a term that gets misused. It can leave subs afraid to speak up or communicate. It can also send the Dominants on the wrong path. But, worse, it can be used as a tool to get away with abuse.

Maintaining Self-Esteem in a dynamic that seemingly goes against it.

I was recently in a Twitter discussion regarding self-esteem.  A question being that : How can a a sub maintain healthy self-esteem in a D/s relationship as an “Inferior”?

I think there is a lot of language used, especially online, which comes across this way.  But the reality should be a little different.

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