“I’ll do anything”, “Whatever Mistress/Sir wants”
These sound like good tidbits.
It’s like there’s been some thought put into the lack of thought.
“If I let people know I’m up for anything that it widens my chances”
It also, potentially, widens your chances of not getting what you want.
It also makes you look desperate.
It also makes you more “work” as someone will have to coax out of you what you ACTUALLY want to do.
AN OPENING SIDE NOTE
I appreciate being fully open can sometimes be difficult. There are things I’d like to do that sometimes there’s a slight fear of raising – like you’ll be looked at funny, it’ll be declined or somehow overshadow a perfectly good relationship.
And of course the risk of topping from the bottom.
CONDITIONS TO AVOID
But there’s two statuses that should be avoided.
One is two people NOT doing something they’d both enjoy with the other because they think the other doesn’t want.
Two people doing something together neither enjoy because they think it pleases the other.
There are of course things we do for our Dominants that we don’t necessarily enjoy or aren’t our favourite things but we know our Dominants enjoy them and wish to please them.
That sounds fair.
I am of course also aware that some Dominants may also do things that aren’t their favourite or they don’t necessarily enjoy perhaps to reward their sub.
But, there are perfectly healthy relationships where the only activies done together are ones both parties enjoy.
Also, when doing something one or the other does not enjoy this is something should be considered.
Imagine, say, you are with your Dominant and you don’t enjoy any of the activities chosen. What are you getting out of the relationship? I don’t just mean a one-off, where you play together and on this instance you don’t enjoy it. I mean, frequently.
Equally, if your Dominant is constantly doing things you like but they don’t really – what are they getting out of it?
TIME AND A PLACE
There are times and a place for phrases like the above. But even in a CNC situation – there’s always going to be lines of respect. Your Dominant is going to be aware of what is too far before agreeing to do this (I hope!) based on things you’ve previously done or discussed.
TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM
I get that some have a concern about topping-from-the-bottom and depending on a number of factors this can be an issue.
If, for example, you have a bunch of fantasies you wish to act through you can contact a Pro, with respect, and be “I have this fantasy/fetish/thing I’d like to experience, would you be interested in a session with me. If so, does this date work and I’ll sort the deposit”
But of course not everyone is up for that.
Certainly you’d get better luck with someone who is pro than isn’t – but even then there might be a mixed bag on who is up for it.
Regardless though, it can annoy anyone if you’re supposed to be on the bottom and you’re “Do this, do that, harder, change toy, etc”
So this IS something you should avoid. Contributing ideas, requests, suggestions, MAY be possible in SOME situations – ideally in advance of play as a way to communicate what you might enjoy for the Dominant to consider.
I’ve alluded to this before, but one thing I started to do which I found works quite well…
I have a list of common fetishes and BDSM activities and I’ve scored each out of 5.
5 means it’s a favourite. 4 something I also really enjoy. Down to a 1 which is “I don’t really enjoy it – but I would do”
‘Enjoy’ can be subjective.
I’m not saying copy this idea, but, what I’ve found is it showcases what I enjoy the most and also other things which could be mutually beneficial.
So, if you see my list and there’s nothing in my top tier of interests that interest you then we’re probably not going to have a good time together.
I mean this isn’t a certainty either way. But knowing there’s mutual interests is a strength.
There was a young Mistress on Fetlife a couple of years ago I remember the thread distinctly.
She said anyone who serves her gets no requests on activites. She’s not interested in his interests. She also doesn’t ‘do’ safe words.
This divided opinion with some guys being “OMG this is hot as fuck” (until they realised they did have to pay) some pointing out it was dangerous and others being a bit… well… I’d rather spend time with someone I know I’ll enjoy it with.
She didn’t last long.
As ‘hot’ as this type of scenario sounds…
It’s not fun.
It hurts and not in a good way. It can cause distress. The drop from it can be awful.
Not getting what you wanted doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t get your fetish, it can actually put you in a dangerous situation or one you can’t handle.
YOU DON’T MEAN IT ANYWAY
This is the ultimate. When you start with “I’ll do anything” you have started off by lying.
Trust is extremely important and you’ve blown it in the first sentence.
How do I know you’re lying?
OK. Send me £500.
Eat your own feces.
Go out tonight and find 12 guys to suck off.
Tattoo a Penis on your forehead
And you could say “Oh, but you wouldn’t ask me to do that?”
OK, well – it’s amazing how many guys fail at “send me a gift”, “eat your own cum” or “stick something up your bum”
And… I don’t mean “I’ll do anything except…” just flag up what actually interests you.
NO ONE LIKES COAXING INFORMATION
It’s extra work.
“So what are you interested in?”
“Anything you like!”
“Do you like whipping?”
“If Mistress wants…”
and it takes 10 emails instead of 2-3.
Total waste of time.
Unless, I guess, you’re talking to someone on a price-per-minute chat then take as long as possible to give information….
“BUT I’M A GOOD LEARNER”
I had this conversation with someone the other day “teach me and I will learn” was his mantra.
Which as I say, it sounds good. But it’s not. “I’m a good learner”. OK, so what have you already learned?
I regularly get new experiences in sessions or filming but these can be built on top of things we both already enjoy.
If you’re a good learner, then prove it by learning how to approach people! Learn where you at least want to start.
“BUT I REALLY AM UP FOR ANYTHING”
If you’re new then, well, stop lying.
We’ve been through this.
If you are experienced then you probably should still know how to contact people. “I am flexible and up for pretty much anything but my main interests are….”
DOES IT REALLY LOOK DESPERATE?
Yes. Absolutely. “I’d do anything” makes it sound like you’re happy with anything from anyone and, really, this is not the case.
Have a little think about what really interests you.