I started writing a post on ownership. It got long. Too long.
So I wanted to break off little parts of it into mini-blogs to be referenced when the main course comes.
This episode is called “10 Mistakes Subs Seeking Ownership Make” – although it’s not exhaustive.
MAKING THE ASSUMPTION THAT OFFERING YOURSELF AS A SUB IS DESIRED
“What woman wouldn’t want a sub at her feet, following her every command, seeking her every desire?” and variants is the type of nonsense I see too often.
You know. I’m sure everyone, at some point, wishes they could wave their hands and someone runs and does all the housework, cooks some food, sorts the dishes, gives a massage then fucks off til they’re next needed.
It’s a nice idea – but unworkable in reality. Especially if this person comes in, has poor boundaries and does a bad job “to be punished”.
But even beyond that – the subs who think they’d be of any form of value being a toilet slave, ashtray, chair, whatever – these are fantasy based rather than practical.
HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS ON WHAT ‘BEING OWNED’ LOOKS LIKE
I think this is something where subs should question why they want ownership and what they think it looks like.
The common fantasy of just living in a cage and being called out when needed is as unrealistic as coming home from work each night to a leather clad Goddess who orchestrates a non-stop play-time.
Now there are lots of different workable scenarios. Every person as different ideas on what they want and can offer – but the unreasonable ones are worth rethinking. Some fantasies are better in your head.
EXPECTING ‘BEING OWNED’ MEANS ‘FREE SESSIONS’
I genuinely believe that the majority of people who approach a stranger to be ‘owned’ do it because they believe it exempts them for paying for sessions.
Now. Different Dommes have different rules but if your starting point is expecting free sessions you are already doing this for the wrong reasons and you will come across as cheap.
One of the best things someone said to me was “They think it means they get to pay less… but I think they should pay more. If you come to me for a session, the tribute covers the session. If you want to be part of my life then access to all of the clothes, toys, equipment, everything I built up over the years – then this should come at a cost”
I found it difficult to disagree.
Again, different Dommes have different rules – but that’s a fair boundary.
BEING TOO QUICK OR EAGER
We’ve seen the guys on the internet who just seem desperate for anyone who will do something with them.
Usually, they don’t really get the attention as they come over desperate.
They’re an easy spot. But sometimes, people might get a whiff of attention and, potentially with a hint of frenzy, decide this is who they want to ‘submit’ to.
This could be someone who they got on with and played with at an event. Perhaps they went to see a Pro and were mind blown and felt she was so perfect, why see anyone else? Or, well, there’s assorted ladies here and there that seem to have a round-up of subs and that can be tempting.
Whilst the first option might turn out to be a really good one. You don’t have to take it nor straight away.
Jumping in too quickly can lead you to jump into things with a poor understanding or with an inappropriate Domme for your wants.
BEING TOO GENERAL OR TOO SPECIFIC WITH WANTS
By ‘too general’ I mean “I’ll do anything”; “Whatever Mistress wants”, so on. It can lead anything from your Dominant have to coax information from you to you being in a situation you’re ultimately unhappy with because you think it’s what you’re Dominant wants and you’d rather have that than nothing.
By ‘too specific’ I can mean having specific fetishes or requirements that doesn’t give for much flexibility and makes it seem like it’s more about the fetish, or what you want, than then relationship.
As a sub you have needs and wants that are very valid. But whilst these shouldn’t be forgotten, especially if you are undergoing ownership then it’s about what your Dominant needs or wants.
ASSUMING OWNERSHIP MEANS UNLIMITED CONTACT
Boundaries are extremely important.
Chances are you also have boundaries. If you’re at work and you get constant messages on your phone it might not be appropriate to read or reply them immediately.
If you get home there might be an email from someone that needs a little bit more time and care then you currently have, especially if you’re tired.
In our lives we have jobs, family, commitments – and this isn’t to say that someone isn’t important to us but they might not be the top priority at that moment.
Dommes are the same. If we’re talking someone who is “lifestyle” then she will have been at work just as you. And, well, if you’re Domme is Pro then she will have other clients and subs.
If someone is constantly messaging you at work and it’s getting you in trouble; or bitching you didn’t reply their non-urgent email immediately you’re going to get a bit annoyed with them.
AUTOMATICALLY EXPECTING PRIORITY FOR OPPORTUNITIES
Now. This is complex and part of this might seem unfair. If your Dominant is someone of whom you are their only sub and perhaps they don’t work as a Pro-Domme, then of course you would be going to events etc. together. But, I do know there are many who enjoy playing with other subs so you might not get exclusive time.
If your Dominant works Professionally then there might be things they wish to do for work or enjoyment including attending events, filming or photoshoots.
It is inevitable that you may get opportunity to accompany them.
But sometimes you won’t.
Their circle may include other owned subs, friends, clients.
Someone may have contacted them via their website and asked to accompany them and paid an appropriate tribute.
They may have more than one sub and there be something where they can only take one or two subs and you have to miss out. If this is an annual event than this might suck, especially if it’s something you really wanted to go to.
For filming or photo there might have been already a filming sub provided or, there might be someone who is more suitable for the footage/images they wish to capture.
I’m aware of a sub who was excited his Mistress was doing a ‘tour’ in his city but then disappointed he couldn’t actually *see* her because she was fully booked; including dinner dates on the evenings.
As a side note. Automatically expecting priority is entitlement and is unhealthy. But, if you feel this was something you were under the impression would be offered and is not; it wouldn’t be inappropriate to have a conversation. Even if it’s to gauge if there’s something more you should be doing.
EARNING A COLLAR DOES NOT MAKE YOU INVINCIBLE
In a very old job I was struggling to get over a rather unfair barrier stopping promotion. That I needed to write out displays for customers, but my handwriting was awful. One of the managers who was encouraging me said “It’s like passing your driving test. If you bump in your test you’re going to fail; but once you’ve passed nobody is going to take your license off you if you drive on the kerb”
And it’s true. Things that would be a fail in a test do little to revoke your license once you’ve passed it.
Some Dominants do continued protocol in working to earn a collar – but I’ve seen so many collars be revoked as the standards slipped as the subs thought they were invincible.
Mind. I’ve also seen some owned subs get away with appalling behaviour but that’s another issue.
Your collar can be revoked at any time.
If there is situations when a sub is getting away with a lot because they’re an otherwise good payer, then this will become very apparent to others involved and this is an unhealthy structure.
SEEKING OWNERSHIP WHEN, ACTUALLY, JUST BOOKING SESSIONS WOULD BE BETTER FOR THEM
This might sound cold.
So you found a Dominant you like and you’ve been playing or having sessions with them.
Sessions are great and you can book them as often as you can afford and generally have creative input around the activities you might wish to do.
Outside of session you don’t really have to do anything. I mean, you can if you want – there’s lots of great things you can do. From retweeting to making sure you remember their birthdays.
They might post up about different opportunities (filming/events/etc) that you may wish to enquire about.
But you might ask about ownership – and they might like you enough to say “yes, this might be possible”
Now, different Dommes have different rules as I say.
They might ask you to pay a monthly tribute or adopt a bill.
You might be expected to contribute to retweeting and promotion
You may be expected to follow on OnlyFans or equivalent.
Gifts may be expected.
There might be tasks to do and these will be ones you’re expected to do properly (no fucking up for punishment. The punishment is you fail ownership) and by tasks I mean stuff like research and admin.
A commitment on regular sessions might be needed and these sessions, whilst you’d still possibly have scope for requests; there might be a bias on the Dominants likes or any protocol training.
And all this might be great for you; especially for long term rewards.
But it depends on where your interest lies.
If your interest is pretty much entirely around ‘play’ or ‘sessions’ then you may be a lot more content overall with just booking sessions.
That doesn’t mean you can never do anything else outside of sessions. But if your misguided approach means you think you’ll get “more” for “less” it’s probably best to reassess what’s really best for you.
And, to be honest, several months in you suddenly deciding this isn’t for you isn’t really fair on anyone.
I think this leads me into a special number 10.
LETTING THE NOTION OF OWNERSHIP GET IN THE WAY OF OTHERWISE GOOD RELATIONSHIPS
So. You met a Dominant, you get on well. With wonderful play. You have great interactions online and outside of play. Brilliant.
Let things grow. Let them play out as they play out. Perhaps you’ll flow towards a position where ownership is just formalising your relationship. Perhaps not.
But just like you don’t need to propose to every girlfriend. You don’t have to get married to a long term partner. You don’t have to undergo ownership with someone you have a good kink relationship with, especially if it’s not going to improve things for both you.
Enjoy the time together and what you are doing together for what it is, rather than bemoan what it isn’t.
Perhaps it will bring you closer together and be a beautiful wonderful thing. But perhaps it won’t be what you want or expect.