Am I even kinky?

I asked myself that today. Well. Today as of when I’m writing this blog, so in reality probably a different day.

And, I know others have had similar thought processes.

It is an extension, of course, on a previous thought of “Am I really a sub?”

Now.
Emotionally, I haven’t been in the best of places lately – a lot of this from factors away from kink, but some things within kink haven’t really helped.

This sounds ominous – but really, the nature of kink throws up a lot of questions.

I think it’s sometimes good to ask yourself questions, it keeps you on the right track.

But, sometimes you’re afraid to ask the questions in case you don’t like the answer.

Now. I was in a place of overthinking and it was around a topic of “Am I really a sub?”

I’m not going to relive that thought process with you, but, every question I asked of myself returned with one simple answer.
“Does it really matter as long as everyone is happy?”

Definitely not a doctor. But plays the part well when needed.

I mean, you know, Derek Thompson isn’t really a doctor.

But, all jokes aside.

As long as I’m happy enough and who I’m with is happy enough then what role and it’s definition I am isn’t important.

Now, technically. Talking of role definitions.
I am more of a switch, although, I seldom discuss my own Dominance – and – there’s only really 2 people I’ve ever played “both sides” with.
But even then, I have other interests which probably fall outside of D/s anyway.
Perhaps I’m more of a hedonist – seeking pleasure in many forms.

However, whatever I am – I don’t need to be that with every person. Some people I could not imagine anything other than what W/we do (or what I’d like to do) and others is different.

I was talking with a friend recently. She was saying there’s a whole bunch of people she’d like to do things with but as an idea in her head about what that looks like. But, sometimes when having conversations with others, their views are different. Almost like we have our own big circles of ideas around us – and it’s where there’s overlap with someone else that it creates that part of the Venn Diagram where things can happen within.

But, still.

I think, non-enjoyment of activities deemed to be kinky has me questioning if I’m really kinky.

Perhaps I’m just a foot fetishist who got carried away.

Foot fetish, for example, well – I’m getting side tracked, but, fuck it…
I’ve felt recently foot fetish a lot is often not really kinky and seldom submissive.
I think, mind, my view from this comes from that of many entitled guys – and that, seriously, if, as a guy, your only interest in kink is foot fetish then you maybe better seeking a vanilla partner and introducing you to them.
Mind, if you’re a lady here who wants guys to play with your feet, you’ve a pretty much free pick, ha.

And so this is something I got a little overthinking around.
But, perhaps it’s the portrayal.
That, we can do some foot fetish and it doesn’t have to be kinky.
But, perhaps it can be a reward, or a treat, or – fun could be had through denying it.

I did mention in a previous blog, that, talking to Miss Suzanna at a party, when W/we had a session booked a few days later – She had other guys at Her feet in front of me – and, this was deliberate. Of course, She gave me access in the session – but this was part of the build up.

So perhaps I’m asserting my own negative thoughts on the approaches of some creepy/entitled guys with questioning my own fetish.
I don’t know.

But then, if everyone is happy it doeesn’t matter if it’s kinky, vanilla, submissive, or… whatever.

I guess another question in general.
What even is kinky?

Answer “not vanilla”. Ok, what’s vanilla, “not kinky”.
And different people have different lines.

So perhaps really, by somebodies definition all of us are definitely kinky and by someone else’s, none of us are.

So, really – whether we are kinky or not, there’s not many people’s definitions it matters to.
Mostly – our own.
But, of course – good old peers or people we’re trying to impress.

I remember a while ago at a party, a young lady started whispering to me.

“Is it true you’re really kinky?” she asked.
“I guess so,” I replied.
“Me too”.
Now, I’m getting a little excited, I mean on one hand someone potentially interesting to talk to. On another, why is she bringing this up with me? Anything from is this a play option to does she want help from me – or… I dunno.
So, I ask her what is she into.
“Sometimes…” she began, “During sex…”
And she’s a little nervous, but I encourage her it’s ok to talk about it.
“…I like to be tied a little”

And, I dunno – maybe I was expecting a little bit more, it was a bit of an anti-climax. But, you know, we discussed anyway and I did give her a couple of little suggestions around blindfolds and sensation play – and, yeah, I still think that was pretty cool.

But, this is pretty different from, say, some of the guys who’ve got just light casual interest and are looking for a Mistress “to show them the way”, or looking to train a sub – except their idea on this is “make my tea and suck my cock”.

Come on, we all know the sorts.

Maybe we’re being fair, maybe we’re not. But, there’s a lot in the context.

So, I guess the question is – what at times make me feel not kinky?

Sometimes it can be my own mental wellbeing at the time anyway.
But, certainly from filming there’s a lot this has opened up my eyes to in different ways.

In terms of private play, I’ve enjoyed most of it.
Don’t worry, there’s not some big drama to come. Certainly we have to go back a couple of years and even then, some of the approach was just wrong.

Filming, there are a couple of scenes I’ve done which I didn’t enjoy.
Generally, mind, I’m happy to do some things which are not my favourite, but will likely sell, as some form of ‘trade off’.

(Trading and bartering, that’s not very submissive! See above)

Most Mistresses consider this anyway, so, like I say – I don’t mind doing the odd scene as a necessity to be versatile in exchange for overall things I will enjoy.

Sometimes watching back a clip I didn’t enjoy doing, if watching it doesn’t change my mind (which has happened) then I question a case of, “How did I get into this situation I didn’t enjoy?”, “Is this what is expected of me?”, “If so, I can’t do it – therefore am I not good enough?”.

Obviously, the truth is I *am* good enough, and this is not what’s expected of me. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel that way at the time.

It’s also a bit too easy to fall into the trap of judging yourself against other subs. Between both the attention harder players get and sometimes a little envy that’s what they can take and what they’re into.
By the same token, whilst there are elements I like in pain play, particularly assorted impact play – I’m not a masochist, nor do I have otherwise desires to reach those levels.

And, some of this does tie in a little with a blog I’ve started to draft on jealousy.

But, in this case it’s not about jealousy.

That I don’t fit in with the harder players.
That I’m not into sissy or pet play so don’t fit in there.
That I love anal play, but limited in what I can take and so don’t quite fit in with the anal sluts.
Whilst I’m versatile, I don’t really excel anywhere.

But, somehow. Somehow despite this, I am where I am.
There are a whole bunch of clips with me in, many of which I love. Recently, I’ve had some amazing ladies I admire contact me about coming to film with them – and that is so amazing.

Maybe it’s my passion, enthusiasm, or politics. I don’t know. Maybe it’s cos my little blog helps me write enthusastically about people who’ve been good to me – and that that’s good promotion and overall something which helps.

I dunno.
Perhaps it’s one of the amazing things about the kink scene that so many people from so many different interests can all be together under one umbrella and not-fit-in together, ha.

But, it can sometimes feel a little daunting at times. That while this a strength of kink scenes and so forth, it can also be that you see others that you’re lumped with that you don’t feel you fit with.

It’s also a little why I cringe a little at the term “like-minded individuals”, because sometimes the only thing in common is being deemed kinky. It’s like having two people together, one of which likes cricket and the other rugby and having them sit together because they’re both sports fans.

Now, if this is the way I sometimes feel as being someone who has been around for a short while (5+ years….) I imagine I’m not the only one who sometimes feels this way.

Equally, if we return to some of my examples above – I’ve known, say, sissies felt out of place with other sissies because of things they will/won’t do or hard players into one type of hard play feeling out of place next to someone into something else – and of course, there’s a weird mismatch around Dominants also.

But, other people don’t matter. Their judgements don’t matter. It’s all about you.

I dunno. I’m good at being me.
If that aint kinky to you, that’s fine.