Journey and Opinions of a BDSM Kinkster

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bdsm journey

Why you’re not getting the play or relationships you crave

Why you’re not getting the play or relationships you crave

People often want different things from their patriation in the fetish community (be participation signing up for websites or going to munches/events).

And while some people seem to have great relationships, get lots of play, so on – there are those who often struggle and get frustrated.

The purpose of this blog is to highlight some common failures and also a little ‘what you can do to increase prospects’.

My Partner Said No to My Fetish – How Do I Change Her Mind?

A couple of messages (some of specific scenarios, some generally being a form of FAQ) has led me to start a new Agony Aunt category.

Consider that my advice is based solely on my experience.

I want to start with an extremely common question I’ve heard/answered which I’ve paraphrased below.

“I have told my wife/girlfriend/partner about my fetish/fantasy.   Unfortunately, they have said no – they won’t do/try this with me.  How can I get them to do this for/with me?”

Beware the Carrot and the Stick

The image of a carrot and a stick comes from the old cartoons.

Someone is sitting on a donkey, dangling a carrot in front of its nose by a stick.

This causes the donkey to move forwards, chasing the carrot it cannot reasonably reach.  A joke that it’s too dumb to realise it’s being exploited for it’s labour.

The thing is, of course.  This could continue infinitum until the labour is no longer required (carrot removed) or until the donkey collapses with exhaustion.

It’s important to avoid being the donkey here and also, well, also not to try this with people. Voluntarily or otherwise.read more

Ownership : In a BDSM “Lifestyle” Relationship?

Ownership :  In a BDSM “Lifestyle” Relationship?

Whilst working out the next logical place to go with this mini series; a comment on the context of the relationship raised a very important point.

“It’s would be helpful to have context about the relationship type.
e.g. with love-based lifestylers, you DON’T “seek ‘ownership'” and you don’t have ‘sessions’ (free or otherwise): You seek a relationship with all that entails & communicate accordingly.”

That is something I feel is very important.

It’s also a mistake that a lot of subs make which I feel is worthy of it’s own blog.

10 Mistakes Subs Seeking Ownership Make

I started writing a post on ownership.  It got long.  Too long.

So I wanted to break off little parts of it into mini-blogs to be referenced when the main course comes.

This episode is called “10 Mistakes Subs Seeking Ownership Make” – although it’s not exhaustive.

Patterned Behaviour – Breaking the Pattern

I feel there’s a trap some people fall into – which is based on behaviour patterns.  If you are doing these things, you may be limiting yourself.

There is a kinda prejudice to this, but a logic to the prejudice.

It’s not about that you’re a “straight white male” or “older”. But, that your behaviour is following patterns that people have seen before.  We know how it ends.

Diary – filming with Amy Wynters

I’ve found over the last 12 months or so a growing number of people who’ve expressed interest in filming – but trying to sort it out is somewhat trickier than it should seem.

I’ve been plotting a few regular trips to London this year, for a mixture of music and fetish events.
So, the opportunity to go to a concert I’d wanted to see and try to arrange some filming around it seemed a good idea.

In reality, ended up with one day filming out of 3 possible days – but it was certainly a quality over quantity situation when that one day was with AMY WYNTERS.

2019 in review

Re-reading my 2018 review I couldn’t help but get a sense of de ja vous.

Initially, I’d tried and failed to write a 2019 write-up I was happy with.
That, as I’m sure most people will know, I find it important to be open, honest and authentic.
Presenting “everything is wonderful” ignores some of the bad times and struggles and sometimes glosses over emotions.

Do I Deserve This?

Do I deserve this?

I am going to cut straight to the chase, I struggle, at times, with ‘Impostor Syndrome’.

In saying that – sometimes when I’m struggling I do acknowledge this is the problem, that it is a known thing. But, that doesn’t, always, help.

Diary: Return to the Berlin Farm

After a really good weekend at the Hidden Torturer Farm last year, it was certainly a no-brainer to repeat the opportunity. (Read here for last years adventures).

Like previously, I was going with a view to be of assistance to Miss Courtney. However, a twist in the plot was that Miss Suzanna, whom I also have an amazing relationship with, was attending.

Jealousy in Kink

Something that has been a struggle for me at times has been jealousy.

I want to talk about some of my struggles and spirals.

Some of this I drafted when feeling quite low, but a lot was written or reviewed when I was in a good place.
I think that’s also something extremely important, to be able to review how you felt – to be able to manage things in the future.

I would imagine that most/many subs have similar feelings.
It may even be that Dominants have similar, I don’t know. They probably do.

Am I even kinky?

Am I even kinky?

I asked myself that today. Well. Today as of when I’m writing this blog, so in reality probably a different day.

And, I know others have had similar thought processes.

It is an extension, of course, on a previous thought of “Am I really a sub?”

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