Something that has been a struggle for me at times has been jealousy.
I want to talk about some of my struggles and spirals.
Some of this I drafted when feeling quite low, but a lot was written or reviewed when I was in a good place.
I think that’s also something extremely important, to be able to review how you felt – to be able to manage things in the future.
I would imagine that most/many subs have similar feelings.
It may even be that Dominants have similar, I don’t know. They probably do.
One thing I am not counting in this is things that Dominants sometimes do to deliberately make subs jealous as part of a wider plan. Or possibly even a punishment (you displeased me, so I’m going to make you watch me do your favourite thing with someone else). I’m also discount consensual jealousy – say, cuckold.
Also, of course – there’s always going to be choices made which will make another sub jealous and… I can imagine balancing this can be quite a challenge.
This in itself opens many webs. Like, I say – it’s contextual. I could get into too many strawman examples.
What makes me jealous?
In my case I find many things that can make me jealous.
I am jealous of subs more financially affluent than I am.
That can thus afford more sessions or gifts.
I am jealous of subs whom can take more than I can, or, moreso the attention this gets them.
I am jealous of subs whom live closer to (a) people I like (b) more opportunities (c) more choice of events.
Then, I am jealous of those whom have the means to go to more events.
I am jealous of those whom can ‘get away’ from the sub mould to push for more for what they want.
But, you know…
In a good frame of mind you can go through each of these points and turn it on it’s head.
Turning it around.
As good as gifts can be they’re not the top and bottom of everything. If time together can’t be so often then try to make a special rather than routine.
Pain levels – this can be built towards if desired, or, you know, looking to strengthen skills in preferred areas.
On where to live, now ‘relocation’ could be an answer but sadly isn’t possible – but again, tie it in with ‘making time special’.
Flipping the coin. I have half joked in the past that I got sick of guys on the internet going “I wish that was me” so got into filming to make it me and wind these people up.
So, ergo, some of these people will be jealous of me.
And – I can, on paper, say – you can work towards it. My journey from where I was to where I am now has been ongoing for around 5 years.
I can’t talk you through the past 5 years (maybe I’ll write a book one day), but consider this – instead of spending money in a pub “for drinks after work”, I’d sooner spend that money in a pub for a munch.
The price of a cinema ticket is greater than the entry price to most clubs.
How many hours of shit telly do you watch or time pissing around on the internet? We all do it, but, you can use some of that time reading and learning about BDSM, the lifestyle, enriching your knowledge.
Everything you do strengthens your position.
I also appreciate the slight straw argument. Take a smoker v a non-smoker – and the smoker, smokes, say, 20-a-day and the non-smoker gets the calculator out and works out that over 10 years they could have bought a Ferrari or something… and so the smoker turns and says “But you’ve never smoked, where is your Ferrari?”.
But my point being there is likely something within your/our lives we can cut back on in order to free more money/time for BDSM.
But of course some circumstances do make things difficult. If you’ve children for example, they take up a lot of money and time.
Or of course there are many people in a relationship whereby they love their partner but their partner has no kink interest – and this is a whole little rabbit hole it’s too weavy to get into.
There’s been a few times lately where it’s not just been jealousy as such but a touch depression – and – this has clouded me a little bit.
At times I’ve focused on what I don’t have rather than what I do have – and, yeah, what I do have is important.
Focusing on what I don’t have, I feel, is disrespectful to the amazing people I’m privileged to know, who’ve put time into me and shown care and support.
The kinda problem is when I feel low, I do see this and then end up feeling bad for feeling bad. And I feel bad because I feel disrespectful and that makes me think I’m a shit sub and so forth.
Tying up the last few points neatly, it’s very important not to be ungrateful or with a sense of entitlement.
It’s a very good way to erode any relationship.
That if one person is demanding more from someone then they can or are willing to give – then it becomes a point where they wish to give less, not more.
So it’s very important to look at the bigger picture of what you have.
I think it’s important to realise this is a natural emotion – especially in the weird spiderwebs of kink.
Especially in social media where there’s a heightened ‘fear of missing out’ and that many people only showcase their positive side.
It’s important to work through this.
It’s important to realise what we’ve got, because we don’t want to lose it.
I think it’s important to not be afraid to talk about our feelings, but also important to know when we’re putting too much strain on others and how we can deal with this.
And if we’re not getting what we want – what we can do to get it?
When jealousy becomes a problem.
I’m lucky in the sense it’s never been too much of a problem. Wallowing too long in jealousy is a form of self-destruction and not a good place. Bitterness can take over a little bit.
This can end up affecting you and people around you.
In some ways social media does not help. Now, I love seeing some of my favourite Mistresses do well. Absolutely love it. If I’m in a good headspace it makes me happy because even though I can’t support them or be with them right now, someone else is.
But when I’m not in a good place – I’ve felt I’m missing out.
Well over a year ago I felt a right arse because I’d saw someone was on a filming day I didn’t know about and I thought internally “She said she’d film with me” and then thought to myself, “No, that’s not fair – she’s in demand and maybe she’s giving some guys a go this time and I’ll get a call about another time”.
So, fair logic. But then a week later I saw she was filming again, with one of the same guys – and I got quite upset. You know, “she just said we’d film to humour me”, so on.
Do you know what the truth was? She wanted content she couldn’t get from me – and she knew the location was difficult for me to get to so didn’t want to disappoint me by inviting me to something I was unlikely to be able to do – especially knowing I’d still probably try to make it : and she’d wanted to do something with me another time somewhere easier for me to reach.
I actually managed to get over all of that the next time we filmed – but then, I never brought up the above feelings, it just fell into conversation one day.
Anyway. Regardless of what the truth was, she can obviously film with who she wants when she wants and I’m not owed anything.
But, I wanted to share the thought process I had at the time, which was a time I was feeling quite lonely and distant from everyone which didn’t help.
I guess another story of point, is that I can never tell how my mind is going to go when someone I like is posting up about fun in sessions – because as I say above I’m obviously happy she is having fun, but feel I’m missing out.
Coping with jealousy
As I’ve said above – it’s always better to look at what you have than what you don’t have.
Look at the relationships you have, the experiences you have, ways in which you’ve felt special in the past and – y’know – a little let your mind run of ways you’ll feel special in the future.
Don’t let it run too far.
So, right now. I’m sitting thinking about how wonderful my next session is going to be. It may be I end up doing something else before then. Perhaps a film invite I can do or other circumstances which change the plan – and that’s also exciting!
Now, I don’t know when my next session is going to be, I have a target in my mind – but circumstances in life which can go against me.
I also appreciate there can be a worry of LOSING what you have. Now, for me this is a massive fear.
Not at this second, right now. But, in general.
I think sometimes the fear of losing what we have can interfere with embracing and enjoying what we have – and that’s important also.
Now some of us with jealousy will have relationships. Others will not.
So, if you don’t have one. You might have jealousy towards those whom have the type of relationship you feel you think you want.
I don’t want to side step, but there’s a lot of variables here to what you want and lots of different routes. Take time to learn them. Just remember this won’t gaurauntee you what you want as you want it.
And if you have relationships.
I think it is important to, as I say, embracing what you have.
If you are finding jealousy is a problem, it is important to work through it with the other person, but a lot of this will still be on you.
I feel it is often important to assess yourself and your relationship to make sure it’s moving in the right direction. In BDSM this can be difficult because there’s so many different ways relationships can work and shape.
Remember, if you went to a munch hoping to meet somebody and did manage to (although, they’re not traditionally a hook-up joint) know that they will likely still wish to attend the munches as they have friends and acquaintences and – they may have others they flirt, or even like to play, with.
So to deprive them of their enjoyment is not fair to them.
Equally, you may have been sessioning with a Pro and started to develop a relationship of sorts : whether that is moving towards (or actual) ownership or a kind of regular client that has a bit “more than a client” feel about it – and, well, seeing other clients is kind of the job.
Examples of how my mind has worked
I touched on a couple of my own examples above. Like, there are a few people I have in the past put a glove down to say “I’d like to film with you” and it’s been a bit, “Yes, I would love to film with you (again)” and it hasn’t happened and I’ve seen the Twitter updates about having gone filming and me thinking “I could have made that,” and maybe being a little jealous, or maybe being a little “Was I being humoured? / what’s wrong with me?” so forth – and – maybe in some cases I *have* been forgotten about, but, in some of these cases the guys selected were a priority because they’ve been sessioning regularly, or they fit what’s in mind for the clips better than I do, or they’re more local, or drove, or whatever.
And that, actually, it is a business overall and so the guys are resources and the best resources, for the job, have to be utilised.
And then another that like I say, if I see an update “Off to have fun with this person” and then a good day is “Yay, someone I like is off having fun” – and a bad day is a little wish-it-was-me : but, this is part of the business. This is pretty much something I signed up for. You know what I personally love, when I’m off to film or session and the person I’m off to do things up posts something about how much She is looking forward to seeing me. I also love in session pics – and more.
Now, point one. If I love it, then some other guys also love it, so there’s no reason why I should get favourable treatment. “Sorry, not going to do an update today about looking forward to our session, cos it’ll make Black Sheep jealous” – yeah, fuck that, that’s not fair.
But, point 2 – it’s also good for business.
Imagine being a guy researching who you might want to see and there’s a Mistress who posts about how excited she is for sessions and shows off pictures of the wonderful fun you could be having with her – and it helps sway you. Yeah. “Oh, I’m not going to do any promotion today, case it upsets Black Sheep”, aye – bollocks to that.
And, point 3… aside from the business, aside from some guys like having a fuss made of them – one thing I’ve overlooked is some Ladies want to take and share photos cos they’re enjoying themselves!
So this is something to deal with. And, how I deal with it… well… knowing it will be my turn again soon enough.
July 16, 2018 at 9:02 am
This is interesting because jealousy can be a real killer in D/s relationships across the spectrum.
I can relate to more than a few of the causes of potential jealousy.
I really had to learn how to fight this when I was a personal sub. Yes, I was the only one that close to her and part of her private life, yet there were always others. Others who provided play opportunities and activities that she didn’t want to do with me. Learning to deal with that was hard. Only later did a fully understand that she was protecting me from things that she knew could damage me.
Probably because I’d grown a lot, I was far less bothered when she turned pro. It’s one of the things you obviously understand well from various posts, once it’s a business it’s naive and stupid to think there’s any sort of exclusivity.
I think I coped by realising that I had a special role and part in her life that she would let no one else intrude on – though plenty of jealous subs tried hard to dislodge me.
Keeping feelings of jealousy or exclusion under control can still be bloody hard and you’re right that they can often go hand in hand some incipient sense of entitlement as one gets to know a domme better.
These days I’m a regular client of a pro domme. This is perhaps easier than being a personal sub in that the business aspect is everything, there are lots of other clients and as good as our friendly relationship is, there are boundaries she’d never let or want me to cross.
One can daydream about such things but always have to be aware that if they lead to feelings of entitlement or jealousy then you’re probably going to destroy the very thing you want.
I hope other subs struggling to come to terms with these sorts of conflicts come to read this and learn.
July 16, 2018 at 7:07 pm
Thank you for also adding some points.
It’s amazing all the challenges that D/s brings up.
But, I guess it is one that emits a lot of emotional energy – and sends endorphins all over the place.
You know. It does tie into there being a lot of strength needed in submission.
And, I don’t mean physical – certainly emotionally.