Do I deserve this?
I am going to cut straight to the chase, I struggle, at times, with ‘Impostor Syndrome’.
In saying that – sometimes when I’m struggling I do acknowledge this is the problem, that it is a known thing. But, that doesn’t, always, help.
First off. What is impostor syndrome?
Well, in my own words. Pretty much not feeling like you deserve something.
And this could be a lot of things.
Imagine, say, applying for a job. And getting the job.
Perhaps during the interview you gave a bunch of “text book” or best-practice answers, even though that’s not what you would actually do – and you feel like a liar and a fraud.
But then you start to feel you “winged” the interview.
Perhaps you then suddenly feel you forget everything you know.
You maybe feel that you got the job ahead of “more deserving” candidates (despite having no idea how their interviews went).
You may feel that if there were no more deserving candidates, that the recruitment pool was poor and you were “best of a bad bunch”.
Alternatively, you may feel you only got the job because of some other favourable criteria – for example, knowing someone who worked there or perhaps, particularly if you are from any form of minority group, to fill a quota.
Perhaps you get to the job on the first day and you feel everyone else dresses better than you. (That could be smarter, or could be their casual look looks better)
Something you are presented with is a common task, but one you’ve maybe not done before – and despite knowing you didn’t need to meet the criteria 100% to get the job – and – assured everyone you were a quick learner – that you feel stupid you don’t know how to do it.
So, this is me talking about something we can all kind of see where it comes from.
Apply this to Femdom, to kink, to BDSM and – well – me.
I’ve had kind of “Am I even kinky?” things before.
Am I really a sub? Does that matter?
Am I a good sub? So forth.
I mean, there is a lot gets distorted here.
I mean, if I’m paying for sessions or buying gifts then of course you’re going to tell me I’m good enough because otherwise I stop doing that.
So it can be difficult to tell what is real or not.
Especially when the mind isn’t in the right place.
Perhaps one mindset could be “people only like me because I’m good for business”
Another could be, “I am good for business so people keep me around and that’s mutually beneficial”
Or another could be “People like me. But whilst there is a business element, this isn’t why they like me – but is a bonus.”
And of course under impostor syndrome it’s sometimes difficult to accept people genuinely like you.
Plus also feeling that needing constant validation is straining on people.
There’s also the kind of shade in the sense that people then perhaps message you or invite you to things through some form of pity, or guilt (and then you feel bad for giving them guilt – even if you haven’t…) rather than the truth that people do actually care.
And caring can be flexible anywhere from between “you seem like a cool guy, sorry things aren’t great for you right now” to “Actually, you are somewhat important to me”
But, it can be difficult to see.
Lately I’ve felt a bit phoney with some of the things I write.
In some of my blogs and on some forum posts I write things which are often closer to text book answers or “good sub” answers – even if they’re not entirely how I did or would do things.
Perhaps I should do a blog on throwing away the text book?
But sometimes I’ll hark “Book a session!”, “Save up!”, “Make financial sacrifices” and umm… I’m not entirely in the best of positions for that myself right now.
Although, it’s a reality that kink can well be an expensive pastime – there are many BDSM on a budget blogs and such : but that doesn’t usually tie in with the fantasy guys portray.
And, yeah, it’s shit if you can’t afford to be in kink but it’s also shit if you can’t afford a football ticket – that doesn’t mean it can magically be free.
One important life lesson is we can’t always have everything we want.
So, back to the point.
I have sometimes felt – well…
That some praise I get is misguided
That, I don’t necessarily ‘deserve’ some of the relationships I have.
(Or that they’re not “real”)
And, it’s difficult.
Some of you are possibly nodding along. Not necessarily other sub guys.
I can imagine that somewhere there are Dominant Ladies who might sigh “I’ve a lot of great guys come to see me, but it’s not about me but the fantasy I create” – and that’s an example of impostor syndrome.
And, well, listen – do you know how many Dominants there are? Hundreds, thousands.
Whilst maybe there’s a few clients that just want a certain thing from whoever is available – most did choose you.
Of course, that can be hard if you pick up a diary and suddenly think “I have no bookings” – but, that can be for lots of reasons especially during quieter times.
Just as I pick up my diary and have nothing in and I’m “Nobody likes me any more”.
But, it’s just the way things play out.
Sometimes I’ll have a blog that isn’t as popular as I thought it’d be and that can just be down to who retweets it or the way the wind is blowing or what other noise was in newsfeeds or, y’know people who would have been interested busy at time.
It’s easier to see some of this from a rational position – but, y’know. Things aren’t always rational
It is of course always worth certain reminders.
There are things we can control – and those we can’t.
We can control our own thoughts and actions, the decisions we make.
That we can do.
We can’t control those of others.
We can’t control how others perceive us.
Sure. We can make decisions, or say things which increase the chances of others thinking of us in the way we’d like – but – ultimately this isn’t something we can control.
On a negative side of things, this means we can do everything (seemingly) right and not get what we want.
But, on a positive – how people chose to interpret us, or treat us, or their feeling towards us… whether they offer us a job, invite us to film or message us to say “are you OK?”. This is all on them.
This means they see value in what you say or do – even if you don’t quite feel it at that moment.
Whilst easier said than done. That’s always something to worth remembering…