One idea I toyed with was doing blogs about my favourite Mistresses and why they are so wonderful.
I might do that, one day. But regardless, I think it’d be more apt to do one about the most special Lady in my life, my wife.
I am going to talk a little about our relationship, our dynamic and I don’t know. It might help others understand, or, it might help others talk with their partners, or if nothing else I get to talk about a passion of mine and our relationship.
So – how we met… she was a listener to my radio show I used to do (ironically, recommended to her by an ex-girlfriend of mine) and we got talking and decided to meet up when she was home from University. What was intended to be a Summer romance is now 8 years and counting…
I proposed in the Sahara Desert (you can actually view that here) on our last/only proper holiday and we got married last November.
She knows everything I get up to. Well, in some cases she’s seen the clips, or was there.
It’s funny actually that most of our involvement in kink actually came after we got engaged. It ended up bringing us closer together because it makes communication much more important.
It avoids crossed wires, she knows where I’m going and with who – I mean, obviously there’s flexibility – but, it’s about openness.
We do have kink in our relationship, but just how it’s played out I tend to be more Dominant towards her. She is (also) a switch, it is a bit of a shame she doesn’t get to explore more of her Dominant side – although we are intending on attending Unleashed in July.
Up until recently she was often present or “about” when I was playing – certainly in clubs locally she might not necessarily be in the room but at least there and aware of who I was playing with.
The very first time I had a session with a Professional, she was there (and often is when I meet with said Mistress) and enjoyed watching us play including some things she didn’t think she would (she enjoyed seeing me receiving watersports) and also something she wanted to see me do (anal play).
Right now, she hasn’t met everyone I’ve sessioned/filmed with – it’d be nice to if things allowed. But she has seen the clips I’ve been in… and enjoyed many of them.
I do appreciate I am very fortunate to have found her – and her understanding of what I like to do. But, this is something we had to work on a little bit also.
Some, presumed FAQ
HOW DID YOU FIRST TELL HER YOU WERE INTO KINK?
I think my foot fetish came up pretty quickly, I think I probably started kissing her feet during foreplay or turned a foot rub into foreplay. I forget, it was 8 years ago.
My interest in Splosh came up at some point, although she’s never been into that. For a long time I watched clips when she wasn’t in the room, but I did once ask her if it was OK to view some of the websites while she was in the room, which she said yes. I do – but not excessively.
General kink – I’m not really sure, but she had been hinting for a while. We did look at going to a fetish club a full year before we did because a friend of ours (Rosie Lugosi) was performing.
The kinda story is a bit longer but effectively someone else we’d been friends with from the Goth scene was well into fetish/kink scene and had suggested we went along, which we did… it slotted from there.
Mind, I’ve missed the important part of the story out…
Well, at a flatwarming party with said friend, a lot of drink flowed and it ended in a mini orgy. Oops. That was a quick way in learning we were both up for flexibility.
AS EASY AS THAT?
Well. No, we did have to have lots of talks over a period of time to establish guidelines, what could and couldn’t do. We worked on our own relationship in kink first.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO BUILD YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP?
A mixture of trial and error, buying toys and trying to learn how to use them. We started going to munches and events and this progressed things a lot just by talking to others. We went to a workshop aimed at newbies and learnt more in one afternoon than 2-3 months of reading stuff and youtube tutorials.
It’s not for everyone, but, making friends in our local scene really helped.
But then everything from there, playing with others – it became trial and error.
WHAT IS SHE INTO?
She’s a big fan of electrics – and wax play. Either side of the slash. We do some impact play together, she prefers thuddy floggers and paddles. She’s a big fan of OTK and spanking. Also shibari, but we’re a little out of practice. We have recently been experimenting with breath play. She really wants to do Pony Play, but needs a Pony…
WHEN DID YOU START PLAYING WITH OTHERS?
Fairly quickly with her present, actually not so long ago on our own. The first Pro-Domme session I had she was present for, as I said.
So, seeing how things played out I started meeting people without her from time to time.
CAN SHE ALSO PLAY WITH OTHERS?
Yes – and she has.
WHAT SORT OF CHALLENGES HAS PLAYING WITH OTHERS BROUGHT?
Just the notion of leaving her for long periods whilst with someone else. I try, when possible, to return the same day.
I think for the large part, that while she is often excited about hearing what I’ve been up to, just getting a balance to make sure I’m not talking too much about others when not appropriate.
WHAT AREN’T YOU ALLOWED TO DO?
She would prefer it if the hair on my head was not cut. I also need to come home in a condition where we can have sex at some point… (ideally that day, but after some heavy milking play it has sometimes taken til the next day – I think the only things that would be ruled out would be chastity, or CBT which made sex impractical for too long) and basically anything that negatively affects our relationship.
I am not interested in humiliation at her expense anyway – and – kind of “you’ll never get a real woman” talk is sometimes a little… hmm… I don’t like it.
Other than that it’s largely fair game – yes I can cum. Yes, if W/we wish to engage in sexual activity together that is fine (although, I don’t expect it!)
She does have a right to veto.
HAS SHE EVER INVOKED THAT?
Yes. Once. To be fair it would have been 3 days after the wedding and retrospectively I agree.
It wouldn’t have been fair on anyone. There are other Professionals we’ve come across she’d be unhappy if I played with, but then I don’t want to spend time with those anyway. Usually if their mannerisms involve putting other women down.
AND – UMM – SEXUAL?
Depends on definition. I have had PIV sex with other women – strap-on – anal play.
A lot of Women have their own likes and boundaries and that is fine, I am not one to argue boundaries.
WHAT ABOUT HER, WHAT IS SHE ALLOWED TO DO?
Pretty much everything said above applies on the other side.
DO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH JEALOUSY?
Jealousy isn’t necessarily a problem. It’s a sign you care. We have a working relationship and always go back to it.
Sometimes the issue isn’t that we’re with someone else – but that one is indulging in ‘play’ and the other isn’t…
SO ARE YOU POLY?
A comedian we like has a joke, they’ll mention a wife and everyone will be a little surprised and they say “Yes, it surprise me too… mind, we do sleep with other people… we’re not poly, we’re sluts”
I dunno, I don’t want to cheapen it – because – I see poly as being very valid and maybe it is for us – I think I don’t claim it as such, but there’s a certain openness.
I think a lot depends on what happens in front of us. See how meetings with others play out rather than trying to force a relationship. That any arrangement has to satisfy everyone – at the minute a lot of my other dealings have been more casual, but that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. Taking things one day at a time.
A line would be that she comes first. But then that could well be fine, your line could be that your husband/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/favourite-sub/etc comes first. But it’s all hypothetical and see how things go.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE TO OTHERS?
In no particular order.
– Make sure your relationship is rock solid before engaging in things with others.
– Communication is key. It’s better to give too much information than deceive by withholding
– Put your partner first. If you have money to pay tribute, buy gifts, or get on a train then you’ve money to go out for dinner or do nice things together.
– Take things one day at a time, it’s not a sprint it’s a marathon.
– Don’t try to force an issue
– Only you know what works for you
– Don’t be afraid to listen to the advice of others. Sometimes, things you’re exposed to you know isn’t going to work for you, or help you, but even that is good knowledge.
– Stick to what you promised to do