This is a question I answered recently on a forum, that I’ve seen variants of so much over the years… so I’m answering it here.

“I have recently broken up with my partner of several years.   I have always been a little curious about kink, so would like to take this as an opportunity to explore.

I have many fantasies or fetishes I’d like to explore, but this is all new to me. I don’t know my limits.

Where do I start? How Do I get into kink?”


Over the years I’ve been active on websites, this has been one of the most asked questions.
Not necessarily in those exact words – and often, actually, not posed as a question but a personal ad.

This is understandable. You maybe had fetishes you felt you couldn’t explore with your partner (whether you asked and they said ‘no’, or, you just didn’t feel you could ask)

While it would be unfair to lump everyone with the same brush.  Some of these posts often come across, or imply, that they think people in kink are “easy”.

That there is a lady sitting in her dungeon just waiting for a new novice sub to train.   Or that a middle aged divorced Dad would make the *perfect* Dominant for hot, young, eager sub.

Of course, this above comment is based on male seeking female.  If we flip this we know there ARE men sitting waiting for a naive lady to show up, a flag in itself.


So I think my first tip here is to be curious.
Don’t assume anyone here is going to drop what they’re doing to teach you what you’ve been fantasising about now that you’re “on the market”.

Take some time and learn about what interests you.  Remember that porn might give you ideas of what appeals to you but is never the full story, but, might give you topics to research.

Find out about what interests you.  Take some responsibility for your own learning.

Relationships in general can be hard to forge.  It’s more difficult again when you add kink.  There might be someone in your work place, or pub, or whatever who you have good rapport with and maybe might think, “I would love to go on a date with them” but there’s very little you can do to tell if they’re kinky or not, or even into the same type of ideas as you.

I often say there are two ways to do things.


I’m listing this first as it’s quicker and most likely to get what you want.
Approach a Pro, tell them the basic backstory and what, specifically, you’d like to try.

This could be specifics (“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be caned, I have no ideas of my limits or levels”) or a generic (“I’m curious. I don’t know what I like, could we try a few different ideas”)

Just don’t say you’ve no limits or are up for anything.

You can also pay Pro subs as well as Dominants.


This can be online or offline.  It is easier offline.  Online often involves interacting with people in public spaces like forums, groups, twitter, etc. rather than emailing or sliding into DMs.

In your local community, you can make friends through munches or different events.  Remember this is just about making friends, you might hit lucky and meet someone you end up playing with immediately, but this is unlikely.

People you meet at these you can then interact with online also.

This route of course you can have a share of someone’s knowledge and experience while also building passive connections.
Then one day, you might end up playing together – as friends or more.


Neither of these translates to being into a relationship with kink, but they’re both good starting blocks. They give an idea about activities and dynamics you like and don’t like.

Remember of course, a good majority of relationships that include kink aren’t full on D/s.  People treat 24/7 as a holy grail, but the reality is most relationships you’re both always kinky, even if everything isn’t always kink.

Understanding this is a very strong first step.
However prospective relationships form in the future – it’s unlikely to be how you first fantasised.