Why you’re not getting the play or relationships you crave
People often want different things from their patriation in the fetish community (be participation signing up for websites or going to munches/events).
And while some people seem to have great relationships, get lots of play, so on – there are those who often struggle and get frustrated.
The purpose of this blog is to highlight some common failures and also a little ‘what you can do to increase prospects’.
SO WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS?
PEOPLE WANT DIFFERENT THINGS
Obviously one of the first challenges is that a lot of people want, or are open to, different things.
It’s OK to want casual play, but not to treat someone like a fetish dispenser.
It’s OK to want a long term relationship with certain dynamics, but important to treat relationships as a commitment and the more specific the wants, the more to work on them.
And it’s OK to want some form of Poly arrangement, but also important to understand poly<>easy (then you get into the “she plays/sleeps with everyone else – why not me?” trap)
Some of these play into other problems.
YOU TREAT PEOPLE AS FETISH DISPENSERS
If you go online there’s many profiles or classifieds that are built around a fetish. Fetishes are nothing to be ashamed about, and yeah, be proud.
I can also understand wanting to avoid being in a relationship where months (or years!) down the line you reveal your fetish or idea and your partner just isn’t into it.
And moreso, the idea of mutually beneficial – that the other person shares your fetish!
But, in itself. Your partner should always be more important than your fetish.
There’s too many people who centre so much around their fetish that the vibe they give out is that pretty much anyone will do, providing they can offer the fetish.
People tend to prefer to be valued for who they are.
To give an idea.
The amount of guys that go wild when they see ladies offering anything financial, “I don’t want someone who only sees me as a ‘free lunch'” – yeah, ladies kinda don’t like it when you see them only as a pair of feet, or latex outfit, or whatever.
YOU LACK COMMITMENT
I saw a post the other day that was a perfect example of this.
“I want to try to be a sub in a FLR”
And I’ve seen many variants on this over the years, so it’s not a unique example.
If you think, well, what’s the problem? Despite a few short words there’s still hesitancy and uncertainty.
A prospective partner risks emotional investment only for the guy to decide it’s “Not for him” a few months down the line.
And, yep, I’ve spoken to many women over the years where similar has happened.
YOU’VE SAID YOU’RE POLY BUT DON’T UNDERSTAND IT
A common trap I see, again from single guys, they will describe themselves as poly without fully understanding.
Firstly, if you are poly then you are likely to be unappealing to many prospective partners who are mono. (A couple where one is mono one is poly can work – but telling someone who wants exclusivity that you don’t may be off-putting)
But also, poly relationships still don’t just happen. They still don’t just ‘work’. They are still a commitment.
But equally, if you meet someone who is poly who you click with who is happy to start a relationship with you, you have to understand you won’t get 100% of their time.
Again, something I’ve seen over the years is people who’ve entered such a relationship and not been prepared for the challenges that come with it.
YOU DON’T GIVE PEOPLE ANYTHING TO BE INTERESTED IN
This is particularly common online. It’s not exclusive online, we’ve all been stuck in conversations with people we just couldn’t connect with.
But, whilst even the best profiles don’t ensure results. No/few pictures, bland descriptions (especially those just consisting of ‘the BDSM test’ and one of those meaningless disclaimers) the tired cliches and anything that’s just “If you want to know more then ask” when you’ve given nothing that makes people want to know more about.
When we get into forums and groups and the majority of classifed ads just give nothing that sparks interest.
Sometimes this can tie in with other problems below, but signing up on a platform and placing a bland classified with a half-arsed profile is a recipe for failure.
YOU BLAME OTHERS FOR YOUR FAILINGS
While there’s a lot of subjects which split opinions. Expressing some opinions is never a good look.
A lot of people into kink, or in the fetish community have done, are doing, have considered or know someone who has done some form of sex work.
Claiming OnlyFans is ruining kink, or calling women spongers isn’t going to be wildly received and people can see this and may judge you.
There’s also the old myth about “1000 men for every woman” which is frequently disproven. Besides, most are low quality and you can easily stand out above them by being better.
The problem here isn’t the women, it’s your attitude to women – and as well as limiting your own understanding, it’s often quite offputting.
YOU LACK PERSONAL GROWTH
As I’m certainly no longer new, I see people who were about when I joined the scene (either cos I saw them at the time, or their claims on activity were the same) and after however many years they don’t seem to have learned or developed.
And of course, you might make a mistake 5 years ago that there’ll be people who haven’t forgiven you for; but if you haven’t learnt from that mistake then that number will be greater.
But also. Newer people will see you and think “what an arsehole” just as much as the older people.
You can also file ‘repeating the same steps and expecting different results’ here. Such as bumping your failed classified ads, or repeating the same type of posts every few months.
No one cared the first time, and you’ve done nothing to improve.
YOU LACK PATIENCE
Relationships take a lot of time and work. This is true both within friend groups and with partners.
It’s good to let relationships form natural paths than trying to force them.
Even within a relationship, you’re unlikely to walk into the perfect kink relationship of your dreams and this is something you’re going to have to work on and be patient with.
I often joke that there’s guys who will go to precisely 3 munches and if they’ve not found a play partner in that time to dismiss munches as cliquey and/or a waste of time. (Which is rather disrespectful to those who spoke to them and chatted with them and thought there was a vague friendship possibility)
Something that kinda sucks is you can seemingly be doing everything right and still not get what you want, but that’s something that also ties in with patience.
SO – WHAT CAN YOU DO?
The somewhat obvious is to try to avoid some of the negative traits above.
Some or all of the…
LOOK FOR A PARTNER OUTSIDE OF KINK
Depending on what you’re looking for, there’s certainly advantages to fetish scenes and websites.
However, the most important things in a relationships is that you connect and get along.
Remember that finding a partner in general is hard. But if you’ve someone you can connect with you may always be able to bring up fetishes, fantasies, relationship direction later.
Obviously answers could still be no, but if you’re in an otherwise happy relationship this might be less of an issue.
GET INVOLVED IN YOUR LOCAL KINK COMMUNITY
By this, simply go to munches and events.
Online should be seen more of a supplement than a solution.
These are of course attended by a mixed bag of people – but you know there are people you will meet who have similar fetishes, fantasies and lifestyles to the ones you’re craving.
Even if they can’t/won’t do this with you. Then they can still be important to learn from and build connection with.
NEVER STOP LEARNING
That’s learning about your fetishes, your lifestyle and what makes people tick.
Use this learning to demonstrate how you’ve bettered yourself. To contribute to discussions. To help others.
This is a good way to be noticed for the right reasons.
PAY A PRO
If you want to experiment, or try certain things, or even do something with someone you find attractive – while you could possibly ask people you’re friends with on the kink community, some scenarios might be less feasible or tolerable than others.
What if something you always wanted to try has negative results?
People often downplay or rule out pros. But, especially if you want experimental or casual play then this is an arrangement that suits everyone.
Sometimes there’s people when you get into the gritty of what they want – it’s often very close to a Pro Domme session. So, yep – that’s what you need to do!
Sometimes people will say they’re jealous of a sub who is in a photo or video which has come from some form of paid-for arrangement. You can make that you the same way.
LISTENING IS A SKILL
Listening is one of the most underrated skills. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything you read or hear, but understanding others perspectives.
A lot of the purpose of this post is a response to that. I get that it’s frustrating, that you want to make play happen. Others seem to find relationships or what you want “easily”, that you just feel like a spectator.
You don’t know their stories, and, there is a lot of effort required.
Equally. If you spend more time listening to people and what they want, you can see how you can learn, fit and adapt to ultimately get what you might want.