One of my favourite stories about consent, limits, and communication sums up some of my general feelings about the problem with ‘limits’ sometimes.
The story goes.
A shibari specialist was offering play and doing demos involving a queue of volunteers.
If you are good at rope, there’s rarely a shortage of people wanting to try or play.
Some people just wanted to be tied and suspended. Some also wanted a little play. If you are suspended then any form of sensation play can be fun – wax play particularly.
There is rarely a bad time to make steps in booking a first session with any form of provider (while this may follow a bias of ‘Professional Dominant’ – the logic applies to anything from Pro Subs to Full Service to anything else) – however, at the point we’re at in the pandemic when things are opening back up, it might feel like a good time – particularly if you’d previously felt you’d missed out or are looking to start getting active in kink.
Filming, and other opportunities, through the pandemic had been sparse.
A lot felt weird to diary about, so I didn’t, but many were low risk and low key. Literally myself, the lady and a tripod.
Today we have a camera operator – so there’s 3 of us!
Why you’re not getting the play or relationships you crave
People often want different things from their patriation in the fetish community (be participation signing up for websites or going to munches/events).
And while some people seem to have great relationships, get lots of play, so on – there are those who often struggle and get frustrated.
The purpose of this blog is to highlight some common failures and also a little ‘what you can do to increase prospects’.
A couple of messages (some of specific scenarios, some generally being a form of FAQ) has led me to start a new Agony Aunt category.
Consider that my advice is based solely on my experience.
I want to start with an extremely common question I’ve heard/answered which I’ve paraphrased below.
“I have told my wife/girlfriend/partner about my fetish/fantasy. Unfortunately, they have said no – they won’t do/try this with me. How can I get them to do this for/with me?”
I feel there’s a trap some people fall into – which is based on behaviour patterns. If you are doing these things, you may be limiting yourself.
There is a kinda prejudice to this, but a logic to the prejudice.
It’s not about that you’re a “straight white male” or “older”. But, that your behaviour is following patterns that people have seen before. We know how it ends.
I feel I’ve been a bit lax in doing the diary posts for some of the filming days and so wanted to get back on it.
I think part the problem was I was doing a lot of filming very bundled together in a short space of time. I’m not sure.
So. 2019 finished on a high with a filming day with Devon Breeze and Princess Organa to the extent that I walked out thinking “yeah, I can be done for the year – I’m happy with that”
It was almost 2 months later before my next filming day – which was filming with Miss Kendal for Fetish SINema.
There’s something important that easy to forget about the industry and lifestyle in general. Sex work is a luxury.
Access to it is a luxury; not a right.
Your needs in life are food, water, shelter.
Even if you move up the hierarchy of needs; sex, kinks and fetishes are not on there.
It wasn’t an intention to go for a landmark number of clips; but, perhaps that in itself was why doing my 200th clip was so valuable.
I’d talked on and off about doing some filming with Nina Hiss – and good fortune had meant that she was available at a time I was in London anyway for a concert.
I was reading yet-another bitching-about-Findom thread the other day.
It’s kinda sobering the lack of self awareness some of these guys have.
It has happened, but it’s very rare I get cold contacted by a Findom – and – I’ll usually be polite unless she fails to take the, well, hint, that handing over money to someone random is most certainly not my kink.
How to Find a Mistress
I’ve seen a whole wave of newbies recently whom seem to have this question.
“I’m interested in exploring my fetishes, where can I find a Mistress?”
There’s no one-stop solution, but here’s some simple do’s and don’ts.