A couple of messages (some of specific scenarios, some generally being a form of FAQ) has led me to start a new Agony Aunt category.
Consider that my advice is based solely on my experience.
I want to start with an extremely common question I’ve heard/answered which I’ve paraphrased below.
“I have told my wife/girlfriend/partner about my fetish/fantasy. Unfortunately, they have said no – they won’t do/try this with me. How can I get them to do this for/with me?”
I appreciate the frustration. You’ve found the words and courage to tell your partner and your attempts have not got you the results you want.
You might have it in your head that they should at least try, they might find they like it. Or, that they should try, for you. That you’d probably do similar for them.
But, both of those are actually entitlement.
Whilst internet stories of “I always said no, then one day I tried and – OMG I love it” exist, they are the exception, not the norm.
Maybe more Ladies would be into Femdom if it benefitted them
This isn’t universal, but there’s an old meme about how more women would probably be into Femdom if it was presented to them in a way that benefitted them.
Instead the guy will often present ideas as “this is my fetish/fantasy, do this for me” rather than present in any kind of way which will improve their relationship or their partners life.
I know in response to one of these questions on a forum a guy replied that he came to a deal with his wife that he would do the housework in exchange for her scolding him for it and doing some play. This to me isn’t really a benefit, because men should be contributing to the housework anyway and someone having to scold someone and give them play isn’t giving them a rest from it. So, rather than a trade off. How does this actually benefit them?
And also the idea you would do similar for them might be a feeling in your mind, the truth is there are plenty of things “for them” they could come up with you would actually decline. Through your own boundaries or abilities.
In fact, something you could do “for them” is to drop the idea.
But still. The question remains on what you can do next. There are choices.
You accept this decision.
The downside of this is you don’t get to act out or experience this fetish or fantasy. But, you are respecting a boundary (which is basic decency) and it’s putting your wife’s wishes first.
Which, to be honest – is a good submissive trait if your fantasies were submission based.
You can continue to ask or coerce your wife. This to me is likely stupid. Whilst you may hit it lucky in the scenario she tries and find she enjoys it, there are other more likely outcomes.
You will annoy her. She will try it and hate it. Or that going through the motions will result also in an experience that you don’t enjoy.
A conversation to have with your partner is one of, if they won’t do your fetish/fantasy can you seek out someone to do it with?
This won’t work in every relationship but there are relationships where this happens. Otherwise happy in a relationship, but once in a while one will nip out to go and do their fetish/fantasy, or see their Mistress (or sub) and then return home, completely with their partners knowledge.
This will involve setting boundaries with your partner on what they are happy for you to go off and do. But, be aware this might be another ‘no’.
A bit like choice four, except this time without having the conversation and seeking/meeting people without your partners knowledge.
This is something that many people do, this doesn’t mean it is ‘OK’ and would certainly be seen as cheating even if you’re not having penetrive sex.
A Side Note
Before we get to Choice Five – Three and Four also carry out the challenge of finding someone. Given your main motivation here is for the fetish/fantasy this is going to be the lead in any searches. Most women tend not to just want to meet up with someone when they’re bored to do their fetish for them.
You inevitably are probably going to have to get involved within a local kink community which is going to take up a lot of time in making friends to build the trust and comes with no certainties. Or, you are going to be seeking out a Professional who specialises in your fetish/fantasy. That is going to cost you money.
You’re also lying to yourself if you think it’ll be “just the once” because unless you hate it, you’ll want to do it again and this is something else you are going to have to manage both emotionally and financially.
The nuclear option. Leave your partner.
If you are really that unhappy not being able to do your fetish/fantasy and cannot accept this, you will be unhappy.
If you are unhappy you are also not giving your partner the best version of yourself.
A lot depends on the overall context. If this is a new relationship that you’re not happy with the general direction, it’s going to come to an end sooner or later.
If it’s a long term relationship the question is why has a fetish or fantasy suddenly overpowered your whole relationship to the point where you are now deeply unhappy with a ‘no’?
That you need to ask the question of which is the most important to you, your fetish or your partner?
Of course, this then involves starting afresh in building a new relationship from the start and there’s still no certainty there’ll be the right overlap in fetishes or interests.
If it is coming to this, you might consider more professional advice and counselling. But, whilst a lot can be resolved on compromise, trying to turn around someone’s “no” is a push on boundaries.
What you’re going to find is that even if she agreed, there’s going to be a lot more she is unhappy with.
I am open to writing other help blogs. Remember I do not offer professional advice, but only advice based on my experiences.
While I can’t promise to entertain every submission, questions can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org for consideration.
Whilst this is something I’m happy to do as a free service for ideas, of course, tips are always appreciated.