An important ‘motivational’ quote is “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”.
This is also varied with, “If you don’t ask the answer is always no” – or – if you’re from my part of the UK either “Shy bairns get nowt” or “Shy bairns get no sweets”.

Now. There are two angles I can go for here.


The first is that this is, in essence, true.
If you are in a relationship with somebody then communication is important on what you would like.

Whilst, I am aware of a Lady who I used to play with locally who’d read over a lot of my comments on discussion groups and surprise me.  This is an exception not a norm.

That your sub/Dominant/partner/etc is not a mindreader. There’s a limit to how much proactive research they can do into what you’d like from them.

That, the play you’d like with the person you’re crushing over has no chance of happening if you don’t tell them you’d like to play.

But, my second angle is that there are certain problems with this phrase. These are what I wish to address here.


The first of those problems is simple.
The answer can still be a no.  This in itself isn’t a problem, but you should be prepared for a no.
You could present this wonderful scenario, fantasy, idea to your partner and they don’t have to be on board with it.   You can approach the person you crush on for play and it just might not interest them.

This is something you have to be prepared for and something you might have to be prepared for being recurring.

Mind – if your sub/Dominant/partner does repeatedly say ‘no’ then there might be a question of if the two of you are matched.
And if you ask 100 people and they all say ‘No’ then the common denominator in all of these rejections is you.  Or, rather, your approach.


But, this is my main crux.

As with many of my tales, there’s a “guy on a forum”.  He basically said that, yes, he contacts any Female-presenting profile he stumbles upon under a “if you don’t ask, you don’t get” attitude.

And to be honest – this is something I think is in the mindset of most guys who send out frankly ridiculous messages.

Whether it’s the “Hey”, the overly sexualised, “I just want to get to know you”, the boundary pushers. So on.

It’s all the same attitude.

So here is it simplified…

its still a no from me 300x201 - If you don't ask you don't get (and the entitlement it can breed)WHEN YOU ASK, THERE HAS TO BE A REASONABLE CHANCE THE ANSWER WILL BE ‘YES’

What grounds do you think the person asked will say ‘yes’?

If you’re jumping on someone who has just joined a website, it will look predatory.

If you mass message, it’ll be very obvious you do this. This gives a vibe you’re not interested in *them* but interested in *anyone*

People tend not to reply to “Hey” messages because, when from a stranger, they tend to go nowhere.

Was there any indication your overly sexual message would be welcomed? If not, this is harassment.

And, yeah, from a Pro-Domme side nearly every Pro has had the liar in their inbox “I just want to get to know you” (No you don’t, you’re hoping to guise into free-play.  You’re cheap and a rubbish liar)
Whilst some Pro’s have ended up dating people who started as clients, it’s usually a boundary (and, if it’s not – they’re not going to be woo’d by people clearly trying to be cheap)

I was again reminded this week when a Lady made a throwaway tweet about B/G content.  A whole bunch of men, all strangers to her, did a “pick me”.  Like, have you ever filmed porn? It’s very different from just having sex.  I mean, when did you last have sex even?  You got three months clean certs, right? Oh, you’ve never even had a STI test.  Come on… learn your shit here.

But also, can you vaguely offer what the person is looking for?
Otherwise it’s just like sending a CV to 100 jobs you’re not skilled for and complaining you don’t get an interview.

Stick to where you can be useful, or take time to learn what’s missing.

Remember. Don’t ask stupid questions, you already know the answer to.