I sat the other day and felt I hadn’t made a diary post in quite some time.

I then looked over and found there’d been just one diary style post within the last 8 months – and that was a “behind the scenes” style post.

Now. Sometimes, I do things and don’t want to diary things. That I just want things to be retained as a special memory, rather than documenting things making my kink journey some form of Truman Show.

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Ahh… back on the farm

Also, I feel it important to portray an accurate representation.
That writing “oh, my life is so fantastic – look at how wonderful it is” doesn’t always tell the whole story. But, “oh, woe is me” is sometimes an underplay.

There have been challenges in this period. But, also good times.

And also, it’s felt like there have been times when I haven’t been very active – in front of the camera I’ve done very little filming (not entirely by choice) and in behind-closed-doors I’ve done just one session. But, perhaps I can spin this to focus on some of the wonderful things that have happened.

Chunks of this are about low points. This is meant to be a positive post, but I also find being honest in including lower points can have points others identify with.

So, where to start? How about where my last proper diary ends. Leaving Germany…. June 2018.

I did have a good weekend – there are memories which carry fondly from that weekend – but, there did feel like there was a shadow over me that weekend I just couldn’t shake off.

Partially. I didn’t think I should be there. I was worried about the cost – whether I could afford/justify it. I had been a little bit worried how my loyalties to both Miss Courtney and Miss Suzanna could split (and in the end, they both had another slave each – so I felt I was with neither!) and my determination to leave with a lot to show left me feeling I’d wanted a little more, instead of focusing about being happy with what was happening.
Not helped that there were scenes discussed with me I’d wanted to do that time ran out on; and I ended up in two scenes in particularly because nobody else wanted to – and that didn’t make me feel particularly enamoured.
But, by contrast – there were scenes I’m extremely glad happened and I take with me as being amongst my favourite ever – which makes me feel bad for feeling bad.

Feeling bad for feeling bad is an awful cycle to be in though – but, it is worth sometimes, when feeling more positive – reflecting on your feelings and why you felt that way to try to either be prepared in the future or look at what you need to communicate/change.
It’s a learning curve! And, sometimes knowing how to feel knows how to preempt or direct things. It’s complex!

Ultimately though, I feel I’m glad I went – not just because I otherwise would have just sat sad as updates came through of everyone else having a good time! But, there are treasured moments – especially the bull-whipping, some of the scenes with Nikky French – and – actually, watching Miss Suzanna with Her sub, mushroom, was very key into O/our future relationship change….. though, perhaps at the time I didn’t see all of the positives.

I think a lot of the problem… I was struggling to enjoy some of the moment due to worrying about what was next. (Granted, I can be fair in saying the chunk of time I was sat, often on my own, I feel my frustration then WAS fair.)

There were some conversations which I tried to feel optimism from.
Discussing future filming with Miss Suzanna, She had a day planned for August – but, as I’d been part of Her April filming day, She was using other subs. That’s fair. So, I’d be part of the NEXT film day. Which W/we did in December – I talk about that below, but at the time I knew it would happen but could take a “while”. There was also talk about doing future filming with Miss Courtney, though no real time period on it – totally understandable, though as of yet we’ve not arranged anything. Likewise, I feel optimistic it will happen, but it has been a while.

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big things are happening

However, a lot of optimism was found from discussing some ideas with Miss Courtney about some services and skills I could offer – these are what ultimately became eyemovies.net (another post on that soon) and I did give it a lot of thought and this did generate me some opportunities and work.

I had awful post-event comedown. Sub-drop. Awful. Part of that was feeling it was over and not knowing if and what would resume.
I’ve now learnt from this that I like to have plans so that in the comedown I can try to pick myself up by knowing something specific to look forward to.

Picking myself up was a very slow process, but in late July I did do my first behind-the-camera filming day.
It was quite interesting to be solely behind the camera. I did actually half want to play, but then, also enjoyed watching everyone enjoy themselves – so, it was interesting.
Most of my behind-the-camera days have worked well like this; though, I’m not sure how it would differ if there were many scenes I desperately wished I’d been in.

August was horrible.
I slid it an awful depression and shut myself off social media.
With no further plans appearing forthcoming, other discussions seemingly fizzling to nothing – advertised filming days I’d seen just not being possible (oh – a weekend, so I don’t need to worry about time off work – and I’m available…aaaaaaand – trains are how much?!) and I started to feel I was losing a lot of momentum.

See, something that happens is you turn up to a film day, do a good job and then you often get invited to a film day that isn’t advertised.
This often means making the right good impression on one day, can open many more to you.
Sometimes this also means you get more notice (easier for trains) or other benefits.

With nothing forthcoming, seeing so many other people come up time and time again as having good times I was, frankly, envious of – and perhaps one-too-many Findom-esque “you’re nothing without money” style posts I ended up putting myself on an enforced social media break.

A few days out did give me time to recompose and I did feel better for it.
During this point, Miss Suzanna had been making contact with me to make sure I was OK (despite me asking not to… partially because I felt guilty for taking Her time) and out of the back of this W/we re-opened discussions on ownership.

The negative side of me would say She did to help me feel better.
The positive side of me knows that that is deeply unfair to even suggest that – especially as the original conversation had been during happier times.

I don’t regret entering the agreement towards ownership, but I do regret it wasn’t under better circumstances. But, things can be better now.

Not sure how that “looked” – “I’ve disappeared from social media for a week and now I’m back and, hey, I’m doing ownership” – it could look like I was being manipulative or manipulated – and I promise you, it was neither.

I also do a lot of dealings in live music and this can be… expensive…at times – but, between what I’ve built up and being more sensible I have had a fairly good run of gigs – what is often a problem is money clearing from one show goes in to deposits and expenses towards the next.
However, in September I had a show where money clearing wasn’t needed for another show.

While the responsible thing would have been to use this to pay off some debt or tuck away for any further rainy days (I don’t even know where to begin on some of my ongoing and expensive problems in my flat) I instead had enough accumulated to be able to book a session with Miss Suzanna.

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Needle play with Miss Suzanna

September was the session, but… before I get into this, it was a wonderful time together and absolutely nothing bad that She had done.
A week previous, I pulled my back. I’ve an old back injury which sometimes gives problems and I think I’d got up too quickly after a frantic weekend of clip editing!
Next up, I developed an ear infection. I got drops for it, but it was still healing at the time of the session.

Session day.
Starts with my train being cancelled. I can still get there on the next train, but with no seat (and injuries….) but it will also get me there late EVEN if I jump into a taxi (which I did).
So, I arrived late and agitated.

There was a point I’d been going to ask to stop the session.
Between my back injury and ear infection I just… struggled.
I was getting quite upset because I’d looked forward to this day, had effectively saved to do it – and now things over-shone.

However… Miss Suzanna is a marvel and She helped turn it around in style.

I was quite upset when I lay on the bondage bed. Struggled with impact play, with strap on… but… W/we did needles for the first time.

It was wonderful.

I’m not going to say I’m a convert. But, each needle. The care, the attention. It was relaxing and wonderful and beautifully intimate.
I very quickly forgot about the morning struggles.

After needles W/we did sounding for the first time.
I half wish there’d been a camera, just for my face as She removed the blindfold and I look up to see this large metal rod in my dick!

W/we finished the session and I started to drop quickly. I’d felt the time had just… gone… but, Miss Suzanna shared some of the chocolates I’d brought Her and W/we had a little chat – discussing ownership a little more.

It was nice.

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sometimes I wear clothes

There had been a plan to do a little filming with Miss Ruby before I had to leave – there was time for just one clip, but it was a fun interrogation style scene. A nice introduction 🙂

Then I went back home as I was DJing that evening, my, umm, first set may have been a little influenced by the afternoon….

I do feel guilty for booking the session. But don’t regret it. Just obviously frustrating that it was hampered by some problems.

October had a pretty busy weekend. Myself and Mxtress Valleycat had a weekend in London.
The Friday we were at the UKAP Awards as we had both been nominated for awards (herself as a newcomer and myself for my website) and it was a lovely evening where we met some amazing people, some that were new to us and a few names to faces.

We neither won nor expected to – but it was a positive experience.

Part the reason for being there a weekend is that I did some filming for House of Sinn as they were in the UK – Goddess Kitty was filming and she was someone I had chatted to privately about filming it just had never happened… until now.

I really want to give a very special shout out here to the other film slave that day, Dingbat.
You sir. More subs could learn from you.
Being aware that I needed to get a train – and himself being available until any time and being able to film the next day with another lady… he basically proposed that all of the scenes were with me until I had to go.

This seems standard, but not every sub would have done this. Hats off.

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I worked hard to earn that mask

Despite this, there wasn’t time to do everything discussed – but, I loved every minute.
It was such an honour to be filming again for House of Sinn and such an honour to do something with Goddess Kitty because She is amazing. Beautifully sadistic, with a cruel kindness.

Though, making me gargle with her piss.. well… that was an experience.

Later in October, I was behind the camera when Penny Banks came to play – read about that here.

November. It hadn’t been so long that my friend Rosa Vile had started filming and this is something I’d offered to help with. Rosa I’ve known for quite a few years through the local fet scene, but also knew her a lot longer by face if nothing else as we used to always get the same bus in mornings!

So everyone, that person you notice on the bus every day – who knows what a filthy pervert they are.
I know this appeals to a lot of fantasies!

So, we filmed quite a few fun scenes with some content she wanted with me in a more Dominant role (I am a switch….)
Someone did say if they ever saw me do anything to a woman, they’d do it to me twice – well – I pissed all over her twice, you owe me four sets of watersports 😉

Amongst all of this is the regular Liber8 and new PlayL8 nights.
These I enjoy massively – and, well, December I got a double treat of seeing Miss Suzanna twice.

The first time was a filming day. She’d wanted a laid back day, quality over quantity – and so had both myself and Slave Flash and we only did a handful of clips but they were designed to be scenes we excel at rather than content for contents sake.

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Some of the fun we got up to

I, again, turned up stressed. It was the day of the massive network outage and there was also a horrible accident en route so I ended up being very stressed I couldn’t communicate properly or find alternative routes – and while being 90 minutes late didn’t matter so much from a content perspective, it did mean I arrived stressed and also a little upset – I’d rather have spent that 90 minutes with Miss Suzanna (and Flash). So, Her idea was simple – I stood behind the camera and filmed ALL of Flash’s scenes before we swapped over, this meant by the time I came to film I was less stressed and one scene in particular made sense to be immediately after the other.

I think it was an example of a good filming day. We all went home happy, Miss Suzanna got another couple of months worth of good quality clips – and there was valuable social time. Even if it hadn’t started well.

But, a couple of weeks later was Liber8 and Miss Suzanna had been saying She would one day come and here She was, along with Miss Ruby, Squishy and Presley.

I am starting to feel W/we are cursed as She was unwell so couldn’t stop too long – however, it was so good to be able to see Her and perhaps next time She comes She will be at full health.

January began with a behind-the-cameras filming day with Mxtress Valleycat and Princess Dahlia – although I did do one scene with Princess Dahlia for one of my clip stores (oooh!) it was a fun day and with Princess being local, there’s hope for more collaborations between us.

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you are the company you keep…

January ended with my first ever trip to Club Pedestal.
Annnd… it was a large group – myself, Mxtress Valleycat, Miss Suzanna, Miss Ruby, Squishy, Presley, Miss Petite, Luna Toxxxic, Mistress Mera and more subs and more ladies – some who were in or with our group.

From my perspective there were lots of juggling between wanting to spend time with Miss Suzanna but not pushing out Mx Valleycat – to, being aware this is a group trip and not a contest for attention.

There were things to learn, which I know better for next time 🙂
But, I am so so glad I was invited and now the first one is out the way, future ones will be even better.

But, it was such a great night. Chance to meet a lot of other people for the first time, or catch up with others. There was a little bit play and… yeah… I’ll be less anxious next time.

And now we’re in February…. it’s been a little quieter, but, I’ve been planning a next time to see Miss Suzanna, have been setting up a little other filming also and have launched my new website.

As I’m hoping you can tell from this message, it seems to start down but gets more positive as it goes on.
I’d like to hope this is things looking a little up.
Or, maybe I’m feeling optimistic they will.

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a sense of belonging

In some ways this doesn’t tell all of the story. There has been an emotional roller-coaster at times – and, in ways, in the past 8 months I’ve seen Miss Suzanna four times (so an average of once every 2 months) but very little on a one-to-one basis especially not without there being something in the background.
That I’ve done some wonderful filming in the past 8 months, but still only filmed 3 times.

I feel I want to get things back into a form of routine where I feel there’s a momentum or a form of structure – but – again, following me formally putting out eyemovies which showcases what I can offer, to discussing plans with Miss Suzanna…. I’m sure I can.

We do have a strong relationship and I’m sure it will only grow stronger – there’s a lot She is offering to help make things work and a determination from my own perspective.

Let’s hope there’s more than one diary in the next 8 months!
Even if I do want to keep some things private.