Over the past few months I’ve been making mistakes.
Lots of mistakes. Many quite small and many not noticeable until they all compound at the end.
In a nutshell – a lot stems to ultimately, unfairly relying on and pressurising others for my happiness.
The overall result of this was that it increased my own unhappiness and was a major factor in a breakdown of a relationship.
I raise these here with a very simple view. That, if you’re not entirely happy – to make sure that you are managing it. Whether that’s from your own actions, or recognising it others and trying to point them to the right step.
As anyone who is roughly aware of me should know, I love filming. I am somewhat recognisable as a film slave and have had many good experiences.
Over the past 9 months or so I’ve found opportunities dry up.
Firstly, to understand – most of my filming comes from one of three sources.
Perhaps the most common is me seeing an advertised film date and applying.
Following that, perhaps being directly invited (“I’m filming – are you interested?”) either through already knowing me or whatever.
Finally, any conversation I open where it’s like “Hey, I’d love to film with you some time” and then things going from there.
The last method does come with a lot of rejection in the sense that, quite simply, the other person may have no plans to film. May have their own preferred subs. Whatever.
Perhaps part of the reason to actually do my own studio was that then there is an extra incentive that if there’s no need for clips for your store; then a deal could be possible for clips for mine.
Anyway. The past few months it’d felt nobody was interested. Many messages not being replied, conversations that went nowhere. People who said they wanted to film with me and would invite me or discuss dates just not getting back in touch (in some cases maybe they didn’t film – in other cases perhaps they did.) I was also seeing a lot less castings (and ironically, a lot I was seeing were fairly short notice, clashed with other plans or I just couldn’t do).
The result of this was I just felt that nobody liked me any more. That I’d been forgotten about. That I was being humoured.
I *did* get a couple of offers at very short notice due to drop outs and that made me feel like “If nobody else is available, you’ll do”
I was making myself feel unhappy – which was a mistake. The truth was very simple.
– Perhaps those stating they wished to film with me intended to, but then things change. Perhaps they still intend to but at that moment someone else was either a priority or more suitable to their needs.
– Or even, needs in general had changed depending on sessions coming through, holidays and other factors
– That, yes, maybe I had lost a little momentum, but nobody owes me it back.
That, in short. Shit happens. Sometimes, shit happening negatively affects you.
I have said in the past that “you can do everything right and still not get what you want.”
It’s sad. It’s frustrating. But, it’s life.
LOCAL KINK SCENE
As some as you may know I’m fairly active in my local kink scene. I DJ at Liber8. I run Sunderland munch. I’m “known”.
I’ve felt in some ways this has brought it’s own pressure. I’ve never wanted to be the person to use a position to gain advantage; but in exchange this caused me to be a bit more nervous in dealing with people.
Anyway. I had been talking with people and making plans and in some cases, these just never happened and in other cases – minds changed.
I’m obviously 100% in favour of not going through with anything where minds change – but, still, it can be a bit “is it me?”.
I think the same “it happens” logic from above should be applied.
I feel, a lot can be complicated.
Local fetish scenes can be a wonderful supplement to the lifestyle – but they can also be challenging. There’s always someone fallen out with someone else – or an issue which divides a lot of opinion.
Some of this is very difficult to avoid being “involved” when you are, effectively, involved.
It’s not to say it’s ever easy – but – just doing what you feel is best for those you represent.
Something I’ve touched on previously is that a home emergency did serious damage to my spending ability.
This in turn did reduce some other opportunities. For example, I think I’d have been happier if I could have been able to session or film more often.
There is a saying about money being unable to buy happiness – but it’s also true that not having it can contribute to feelings of unhappiness.
I don’t feel I’m being unfair if I was to say that at times I found it sobering how things seemingly change when you don’t have the spending power.
But, there are important things to realise.
Everyone has their own stuff in their lives – and while pretty much all of us would put our hands on hearts and say we’d help a friend in need – we all also have our limits.
Even before my own problems at home, I was never the most affluent of guys.
This meant I often need to save up for sessions or filming, make financial sacrifices to do this, or what I’ll call “strategic debt” (think of this as when an opportunity presents itself that is rare and/or offers a chance to be beneficial in the long run). So, for example, seeing a Pro regularly and each time adding to your debt is not responsible financing. However a one-off great experience, or something that opens doors, can potentially be paid back in the future.
Something to remember. If you buy someone a gift, pay for a session, travel for several hours, whatever… your money is the same as someone who can easy afford it.
This is something very important to remember. Because if you start to feel that you had to put in time, effort, dedication, sacrifice, so on… and that makes you “better” or “more deserving” then what it actually makes you is… entitled.
Now. It may be, of course, that this does make you feel closer or more dedicated then you think you might otherwise have felt. That perhaps you were making daily decisions.
But, the truth is… are you saying if you got a cash windfall you’d be LESS dedicated?
Of course not! So, the logic is flawed.
And perhaps you might feel because you can do things less often you feel you might want more value from the time. I get that.
But, this again means – are you saying if you could do things more often you’d want less value?
So. It’s very important to avoid entitlement here – and this, sadly, can be sobering.
RELYING ON OTHERS FOR HAPPINESS
The end result of some of my mistakes above is I ultimately relied on others for my happiness. From their calls, their messages, their notifications or their validations. From the time they can spend with you.
The problem is… this is a recipe for unhappiness.
Because, simply not getting the previous adds to your unhappiness.
But, also, pushing (directly or indirectly) people to address this to contribute to your happiness can in turn put pressure on them. This in turn means they end up investing in your happiness – which can be quite draining.
This also doesn’t really “fix” what is potentially the root causes to your unhappiness. Just the permanent application of band-aids until they can no longer be placed.
I don’t have the simple solutions – because there are many variables. It may be a mental health professional is required. It may be a look inside yourself to understand the difference between being with someone being a happy experience and relying on them to provide you with happiness.
Even if there’s loads of shit going on in your life and seeing someone is a source of happiness – it shouldn’t be relied upon too much.
FEELING BAD FOR FEELING BAD
A massive mistake I’d been making is that nearly every time I felt low I felt bad. I’m not sure if this comes from a teenage angst of when I was feeling low being snapped at “what have you got to be depressed about?” (other than hormone imbalance – quite a lot actually, but that’s a different story) But feeling low I’d get a little voice on my head… “You’ve got a wonderful wife, a supportive Mistress, great friends….” and that feeling low would make me feel I was being disrespectful of them all.
This, in turn, led to a spiral within myself and didn’t actually help me deal with whatever it was causing me to feel low.
Feelings happen. They’re valid. Even if upon processing you think “actually, I’m not being fair to myself here” having good things in life doesn’t negate the fact that sometimes you feel low. That’s OK.
The reasons for being low can be addressed and assessed. But blaming yourself for having them doesn’t solve them.
This ended up extending a few temporary blips.
Within saying a lot of the above. Sometimes you’re right to feel disappointed, let down or hurt. If you’re in a job and scrambling for an internal promotion with one or more other strong candidates – as happy as you may be for the other person should they triumph you’re obviously going to be disappointed and in ways you may feel you need *something* lest be trapped until the next vacancy. Which could be years.
So, sometimes it’s OK to be disappointed. But, just not letting this override things. If you otherwise enjoy your job, it seems pointless to quit it.
Sometimes people do things which lets you down or hurts you – and – you can accept it wasn’t deliberate. You can be less frustrated if you weren’t staking your happiness on it – but it is important to communicate and work through things which may involve going away and discussing at an appropriate time in an appropriate manner.
If things are not said at all, then they’re left to fester which just brews. At times, my communication could have been better. Whether this is nudging someone (“Hey, I’d still love to film with you some time”) or raising how you felt if you later assess it was justified.
But, it’s very important to discuss warmly or openly – and sometimes, it’s better with full context.
BELIEVING THE FANTASY
This is a very emotive point. As you get into kink and BDSM it often seems like a whole new world is possible. A world of Goddesses and wonder and adventure. The reality is good. But, it’s important to remember everyone involved is only human – even if it doesn’t always feel like this. We all breath, shit, and need to eat – cut us and we all bleed. While people may seem divine, there is no divinity. That’s not to say there’s things that can’t be enjoyed – but, just remember we all got bills to pay. Jobs to work (though, some jobs are more fun than others). We all have a name on our passports and we mustn’t forget who we are.
NOT JUST ME
Now. Although I write this from a sub perspective – and my own mistakes/experiences. I have found writings from a Mistress who has also made some of the above mistakes. Another Mistress I’ve spoken to has also confided she’d felt a bit down if bookings were suddenly dry.
I also, now I’m able to analyse my failings, see concerns about others.
The above can happen to anyone. But, please. Step back. And try to make sure it doesn’t happen to you.
Perhaps a mistake I’m now making is beating myself up for some of these mistakes. That, ultimately, we’re all human. Acknowledging mistakes and learning from them is a step forward.
I think there are forms of general social anxiety I will always have, but being able to deal with these a little bit and realise a lot of problems just existed in my head is a step closer to making things easier on myself and those around me in the future.