Submission isn’t always black and white

One of the first and most important rules in submission is that ‘the rules’ are defined by your relationship and dynamic.

Sometimes the answer “is this normal?” is, “yes” and “does it matter anyway, if it works for you?”.

Of course, sometimes this can be easier if you are in a relationship and exploring, working out what does and doesn’t work for you.

But this can sometimes be trickier if you’re seeking a relationship or are constantly facing challenges or things not being quite right.  It can also mean when you seek a partner, your approach is off or wrong.

Like a lot of my posts, I apologise this is largely male-sub, but it may be that there are others who can relate, or of course helping Dominants to understand sub challenges, which in some case understanding is knowing that you’re not compatible.

So. Some things to consider.

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I know a lot of people don’t like labels. “I’m not x, I’m just me”.

That’s actually not helpful.
I can understand the resistance to being tucked into a little box, but what do you like? Or don’t you like? What gets your dick hard? What gets you wet? Can it be fun without that?

Too many people do the “I am a sub” thing whom are, well, they’re not submissive.
There’s nothing wrong, par se, with what they ARE – but it can lead to disappointment, inappropriate approaches or getting into situation you weren’t sure about.
So, for example – a masochist will enjoy pain. They may also be submissive, they may not.
You might not be submissive, but you really like being pissed on. Or have a foot fetish – or whatever.

So it’s important to try to consider what exactly you’re looking for. Because it’s not good being in a relationship where you’re performing servitude if all you want is the odd bit tie and tease.


Only really applicable if you think you are, or are, a switch. Do you want to find someone you switch with, or will they purely be Dominant towards you?
Some switches claim they have a bad time, I don’t so much – it’s in the attitude. i.e. don’t try to force others to switch.


One of the biggest lies that guys tell themselves and then others is “I am looking for a Mistress.”
They’re actually looking for a girlfriend who’ll occasionally dress up and tie them up, or beat them, or ‘make’ them kiss their feet.

It’s of course fine to want that. But, if you approach someone as a “I want to be your sub” but really you want to be her partner with the odd bit kink then you’ve approached dishonestly.

Of course it may be a non-romantic relationship becomes romantic. But, if you enter expecting this to be the case then you’re ultimately set up to fail.

It may be that your aim is for a complete structured relationship. Say FLR (Female-Led-Relationship) so a bit more full time than “odd bit kink” but appreciate that many guys approach this from a position of fantasy so potential partners may be cynical. This is something to consider.

It may of course be that you wish to meet up with someone, regular or semi regular, under one kink umberella or another.

It may be you’re open and undecided but having a rough idea of what you may want is always a good start.

(NB: the answer is never “A Mistress to show me the way” more on that in a future blog)


Not that the two have to be mutually exclusive. This also ties in with many other points.

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Your interest may be purely around ‘playtime’ – with that’s doing corporal punishment, role play, going through some fantasies, so many other BDSM activities.

It may of course be that you wish to serve – and that may involve doing things that genuinely contribute to someone’s life.

It’s important not to be too short sighted (“I can clean your house and drive you places!”). But what do they need and what can you offer?

I know I wrote my fantasy story of a guy who got stuck with unfulfilling cleaning tasks, which were useful to the Mistress.
I also saw some posts from a guy who keeps presenting himself as a sub and wishing to serve but then unhappy he’s mostly getting things like manual labour tasks.

Now, there’s all our own limitations. But be sure on what ‘serve’ means.


A last point to consider in what you are looking for is exclusivity.
Is your wouldbe Dominant ONLY in a relationship with you? Or perhalps they have a standard relationship and a D/s one with you. Or perhaps they have multiple people who serve them or whom they play with.
Equally, what about your expediencies – do you wish to only be in a relationship with them? Or perhaps your own standard relationship and then also a D/s one with just them. Perhaps you envision having multiple people you can spend time with.


“Whatever Mistress wants” is an empty statement.
Here’s a first thing what Mistress’/Dominants want – what you’re interested in.
Because the relationship is going to be very short-lived and if one or both isn’t happy.

I mean, I joke if someone offered to serve me I’d give them a pile of flyers and tell them to hand them out.
That would be MASSIVELY helpful to me – but obviously not very fulfilling for the person.

Your core interests may be their limits, so will never happen. There also, crucially, runs the risk of someone doing what they THOUGHT you wanted, which you didn’t, so you both end up wasting time.

Like any of these points there’s no right or wrong answers.
Just wrong approaches. Just people you aren’t compatible with.


By now you’ve hopefully got a rough idea of what you may or may not want.

I tend not to recommend seeking online. I feel online can be a valuable tool or resource. However particularly for M seeks f, there becomes consideration that a message you send will be treat alongside most of the rubbish and fantisists which by now you are hopefully not.

However, if what you are seeking is now clearly mostly D/s, then the usual recommendation of go where kinky people are : munches, events, etc.
Appreciate that relationships may take time. Remember that a lot of what you do and how you act and these events will be noticed. Making positive steps is more likely to lead you where you want.

It may however, be that reading this you ultimately want a fairly ordinary relationship but a little bit kink.
In these cases it may be worth going old vanilla routes and after a few dates, when you’re confident, asking questions on the feeling of role play.

Half the battle is just working out what you might want.