Back to Basics : Fetish and BDSM Events

Continuing my ‘Back to Basics’ series, I’m now looking at events and parties.

In the last installment it was munches and it may be that having been to some munches you want to step up to one of the events everyone raves about.

Of course, as I said in that blog, munch attendance is non-mandatory.  Plenty of people (including myself) chose to go to fetish events first (and some only go to the events and parties).

As a small note, this blog is a little light on photos as, obviously, I didn’t wish to use photos without expressed and clear consent.  So, if you run an event and have photos (even of just your staff, club rules, dungeon without people, etc) that are cool to be used please contact me. You can do this by DM on either twitter or fetlife – or using my contact form.

First off, I’m going to be lumping some quite different events all into one post.

You’re probably aware of some of the bigger fetish parties like Torture Garden, Antichrist or Liber8.   But, these are quite different to many more dungeon based events. There’s also multi-Dominant parties I’m going to give their own little section below because they’re like a cross between a Professional Session and a Dungeon Party.

There are also workshop style events. Check out some of the stuff Club DVS runs as an example. These are full of discussion groups and opportunities to learn both knowledge and skills.

So, your fetish parties are very much, well, parties – usually in a nightclub or bar with late license with dungeon furniture hauled in for the night : a lot of focus on fetish and fantasy outfits, there’ll usually be a large focus on music also – and although play rooms can be quite busy, it’s often a bit less of the focus.

Dungeon events are usually held at venues which are otherwise used as dungeons, opening up for social and play events.

These may have a dress code, but a lot more relaxed – with plenty of people taking to the dungeon to play, but plenty of social time.

There are assorted specific types of event also.

For example Femdom events are generally female led.

There may also be events or parties around a specific fetish like foot fetish, watersports, splosh, humiliation, etc.  but the more niche events are less common.  Don’t be surprised if your hometown doesn’t have them.

Particularly in the fetish parties, fantastic outfits – many often have performers – big atmospheres of kinky folk.

Just imagine a big busy night club – but everyone in sexy clothes.

There may well be people on knees or leads : but most restrict actual play to the playrooms or dungeons.

Venturing into these areas, you’ll see people of all skills and abilities.

From couples making use of the facilities, subs with their Dominants, or possibly people that met and decided they get along.

Dungeon based events are usually more relaxed, there may (dress code permitting) be a mixture of those in fetish outfits and those more casual – play still in the dungeon area – but – a lot more social.   So, like friends in a pub but friends are in sexy clothes and there’s a dungeon upstairs/downstairs/in the corner.

No. Not at all.

Check the events website or description first.  Many events like Torture Garden or Liber8 sell out in advance.   Some come close.  Many have a bit of a price hike on the door.

Also, do check out admitance policy.  There are a couple here and there you may need membership for, or to be pre-vetted.

But, generally there are many open-for-all events.

Dress codes can vary from event to event, so do familarise yourself.  Generally speaking if you want to be in a party full of people dressed cool then you need to be dressed cool.

There are “BDSM on a budget” blogs in existance.  A little creativity can also get costs down.  But, if you go straight in looking for the 3-piece-latex-suit it is going to come with a sizeable price tag.

Also be cautious on nudity.  Nudity isn’t an outfit (no matter how good you look naked or if it’s your thing) and also there are assorted licensing laws that restrict genitals or breasts being on display.

And restrictions vary from local council to local council. Some are a lot more conservative than others.

If you find an outfit that works in your budget, but are unsure of it’s suitability, many clubs are happy for you to email a picture first for their verdict.

That’s OK. Most have a changing area and cloak room.

Mind, particularly in London if you want to put things in or out of your bag you will be charged again.

I’d recommend familarising yourself with club rules, this can change from club to club but I will list some universal ones in this blog soon.

I’d also recommend familarising yourself with the club staff, I don’t mean memorising names and faces, but a kind of who/what do you have to look out for if there’s a problem or if you need to check something or who to say ‘thank you’ to if you had a good night. Point on club staff coming next.

Other than that, be cautious on discretion, don’t broadcast to your vanilla friends about the kinky sex party you’re going to (very, very, few allow actual sex) or telling people who aren’t really suitable all about it.

This can vary wildly from club to club – so here are some of the common roles you may find and what they do.

There’s usually someone in charge.  These are people you can discuss overall problems with if nobody you see first can help.

Many will have staff available whom are just contact points for any general help or problems.  They’re there to keep half an eye and make sure everyone is having a good time.  In smaller events they might double into other roles.

Whom may be venue or club provided.  We know what security do, right?

They are situated in the dungeon and their role includes… monitoring play is within club policy, monitoring play is safe, helping people with use of the equipment, keeping people not in the scenes out of the scene. Telling people who don’t wipe down the equipment to wipe down the equipment.  So forth.

They are there to help or play with people.  I think there can be variances between clubs and policies but as a general rule, there is no obligation for them to play with you.  They are usually there voluntary.  For me, I often find things written on websites to seem contradictory, but, I think a rule of someone polite and well mannered is more likely to get play than someone who turns up expecting it.  I have another post in this series which will look at negotiating play and some of this becomes valuable in here.

They just play the music.  That’s what I do. Yay.

I take requests also, requests with an offer of drink or foot worship are looked at fonder though.

Someone employed by the club to take photos, they will ask your consent before taking photos and may need you to sign a release form to show you know where the pictures will be used.

Provided by the venue, not necessarily into kink so it’s rude to try to incorporate them into your play.

As I say, don’t worry about memorising everyone’s name, rank and date of birth – but being able to clock who to look out for if needed, is helpful.

OK, here are some universal rules to consider.

– Consent is key.  If you see someone come in and be slapped on the bum by everyone they pass, this does not mean you can slap them on the bum.  You don’t know if that was pre-arranged. It takes under a second to mutter ‘may I?’

But this goes for anything, it doesn’t matter what someone is or isn’t wearing, there’s no form of rights of touching or anything else unless consent is clear.

– Keep play and nudity to the designated areas.

– Do not interupt someone else’s scene, if you’re concerned – get a DM.

– Clean any equipment after you use it

– Do what is asked of you by staff

– If you are in a play area, your conversation should be at a minimum so not to distract or disrupt those playing

– If someone is swinging floggers, don’t be stupid enough to try to walk past them.

– Don’t hog equipment if it’s in demand

– If you see something of concern, it is preferred to raise with staff there and then. Sometimes this isn’t possible, in which case, as soon as reasonable after the event.

– No photography/videoing (unless you are the house photographer)

Generally… no.

Unless it’s a specific protocol event (some Female, or Male, led events have a specific protocol, but for the best part…)

Again, just because someone dresses a certain way doesn’t mean you guessed their role right – and even if they are Dom/sub they’re not YOUR Dom/sub.

It’s easy to get a little bit excited and it does seem appealing.

Some here can depend on your actual experience.  Either side of the slash things are more difficult than they look.

Some clubs have guys who wander around approaching people for play and… if you can look at them from a sober light, it is quite pitiful. They’re desperate for anything with anyone and you don’t want to be like that.

If a member of staff is free, consider having a chat. Tell them how much you’re enjoying the night and how great it is.

There may be an appropriate point where it can be raised, you’re seeing lots of people play and do cool stuff and you’d like to try – can they introduce you to someone.

They don’t have to say Yes. And, also, if you’ve had a few drinks I’d recommend this conversation is actually “..you’d like to try… next time…”

Remember, you can do everything right on paper and the person just not being up for it right now.  But, keeping level headed for this will keep it as an option in the future. Being a dick will close that door.

What you may well find is that a lot of people are apprehensive about playing with people they just met or don’t know.  But, just having a conversation sets up the potential in the future.

Someone who says hello every month and possibly offers a drink or to be helpful is more likely to have the favour returned.

It doesn’t matter if you’re Dom or sub or whatever.

This varies from club to club.  As a general rule – dungeon based events tend to have communal toys, club/party events tend not to.

If you are using communal toys, make sure to wipe and clean them before putting them back where you got them from.

An advantage of having your own toys is familarity.

I’m going to talk more about discussing your first play sessions in another blog.

I think…. if you do go for it… make sure you are open and honest with your experience levels. Discuss safewords. Work around discussing what you both CAN do.

So, for example a flogging scene, “you can use that flogger and that one… you can hit me on my back/boobs/bum… you can also spank me if you wear gloves and may rub me where you’ve struck”

Do feel free to write to the event, or on a fetlife/appropriate group about what an amazing time it was.

But, of course, while it’s easy to be excited – don’t tell all your vanilla friends about the great fetish club you went to… and if a dungeon event, don’t be like “Hey, you know the estate over there behind there… one of the properties is a dungeon” because it causes problems for everyone.

Other than that, standard munch rules apply for anyone you met.

I think that this post is appropriate to include Multi-Mistress/Multi-Dominant Parties.

Some examples of these included Princess Aurora’s Humiliation Parties, The Strap On Parties or Domina Parties and so forth.

These are often quite popular although aimed of course at subs. Particularly single subs.
Unlike most other parties, these do come with a guarantee of play. They’re led by Professional Dominants, albeit at a fraction of the price a session would normally cost. Around £100-£150 for between 1-3 hours (all depending on the parties!).

Normally there’s around 3-4 Dominants and a max of 2 subs per Dominant. You get play within the theme of the event with those present, but of course it’s not quite the one-on-one intimacy of a session. But of course, it’s a sure way to play. Some are better than others for newbies, so do a little of your own research first.

I’ve not yet done a party like this, but, this is something I intend to do for two reasons : one, cos actually there’s some I’d like to do when I can (remember Strap On Party is on my ‘Not a Bucket List’) and also so I can write more honestly what the experience is like.

Femdom/Protocol/Other Parties

I deliberately chose to lack detail on assorted other types of events. Mostly, because we could be here forever if I start going in depth about different themed events.
There assorted Femdom and Protocol parties. Active events include, but are not limited to, Club Pedestal, At My Command, Club Femdom – or – flipping the other side events like SMug (Suited Man, undressed girl).

Many of these are a lot higher protocol than “turn up and party” – and I probably wouldn’t recommend these events to someone with no/limited BDSM experience (the audience for these posts).
Protocol is a further topic I’m looking to cover. But, if you do decide you are ready, then a lot of the above applies but make sure you are familiar with not only club rules but general protocol. Otherwise, don’t be surprised if you’re side-eyed or shouted at for sitting on furniture!

But, certainly, a future topic…

And finally…

The events listed here are certainly non-exhaustive.  Many great events take place around the country, but some are more privately advertised than others.   If I didn’t include an event you like or run, reasons could include (a) I think you wish to be private. (b) I didn’t know about you, sorry. (c) There are no listed/advertised dates and/or I thought you were in hiatus. (d) If I listed every single event I’d be here until Christmas!

So, if you are interest in events and none I’ve listed are reasonable for you to get to, do take this as a guide to look into others.