How to Find a Mistress
I’ve seen a whole wave of newbies recently whom seem to have this question.
“I’m interested in exploring my fetishes, where can I find a Mistress?”
There’s no one-stop solution, but here’s some simple do’s and don’ts.
DO – TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANT
There is a world of difference between a Female Led Relationship, being in a D/s relationship and effectively being Dominated in the bedroom.
If your only interest is the odd bit bedroom role play : there is NOTHING wrong with that AT ALL – but you might have better looking within Vanilla dating sites than exploring the Fet Scene.
DON’T – WORRY IF YOU DON’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT
Hey, we’re all exploring really.
DO – GO WHERE MISTRESSES/DOMINANTS ARE
Munches, events, workshops, etc. Great, now you’ve found them.
If you’re not sure where these are, Google can be your friend for bigger events. Fetlife is an excellent resource for most others.
DON’T – TURN UP AND AUTOMATICALLY EXPECT PLAY OR A RELATIONSHIP
You’re a stranger. I’d also hope you’d be a bit more pickier than the first person who seems available.
Relationships are going to take time.
DO – APPROACH SOMEONE VIEWING THEM ALREADY AS YOUR SUPERIOR
Though, appropriate for your surroundings. Approaching with a bowed head at a fetish event is more sensible than approaching on your knees at a munch.
I guess a good analogy would be to treat someone like they’re your boss or prospective boss.
DON’T – APPROACH SOMEONE VIEWING THEM ALREADY AS YOUR MISTRESS
Because they’re not. Forcing dynamics is off-putting.
DO – REMEMBER YOUR MANNERS
Someone who appears more respectful will always stand more chance than someone who appears entitled.
DON’T – SAY ONE THING AND DO ANOTHER
It’s transparent. It’s also dishonest. This is a scene built on trust.
DO – UTILISE ONLINE RESOURCES
DON’T – BLIND MESSAGE MULTIPLE WOMEN
There are guys do this. They sign up to a website and message a whole bunch of women, or sit and refresh waiting for new women to appear to message.
Newcomers are put off by this, established people have seen many like you before and many after.
If you are active on those sites and do happen to find someone interesting and likely compatible, then possibly message them. But don’t be butthurt if no response. You increase your chances of sending a better message if you are interested in *someone* rather than *anyone*.
DO – BE CONSCIOUS OF YOUR PROFILE
How you’re seen to act at events/munches is picked up on. Comments you leave on Fetlife/Fetish.com/Twitter/etc leave a breadcrumb trail.
In some ways this is a no brainer tying in with your attitude – but someone who comes over desperate, pushy, entitled, etc. is less likely to be noticed positively than the person who is courteous, patient, helpful, wanting to learn, etc.
DON’T – BE SEEN TO ATTACK WOMEN
OK, so you’re not into buying socks or pictures. You’re not into Findom. You don’t want to pay for sessions. We get it. But, when you comment on every single fucking post of someone who is offering those – you come across as bitter and arrogant. Not submissive traits.
Other people pick up on this.
I mean, you ignore posts guys make that are being creeps, yet jump on someone wanting £10 for some socks. Hmm.
DO – MAKE EFFORTS TO MAINTAIN RELATIONSHIPS
There’s a chance at some point you will have an opportunity for some play in a club or event or some such.
As well as thanking the person at the time, why not write them a follow up thank you? This way they’ll be more likely to remember you. Even if they can’t offer what you overall want it; (a) leaves a good impression (b) gets you in the habit of doing thic (c) who knows what the future holds…
DON’T – TRY TO FORCE RELATIONSHIPS
Nobody has to be your friend/Mistress/etc. Even if someone enjoys playing with you on occasion, don’t try to force them to take you on as a sub. I’ve seen this happen and what happens is they then no longer want to spend time with you and it puts others off.
DO – TRY TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM ANY INTERACTION
What worked, what didn’t work for you – and also what you did or didn’t do well. It’s easy to get overly self-critical. But for both acceptance and rejection learning what you did well and what you could have done better.
DON’T – BE DISMISSIVE OF PROFESSIONALS
Ties in with an above point. But, if you’re struggling a little to get what you want, then doing some searches for a Professional can give you valuable experience. It’s also considerably easier to get things like training, feedback, guidance from someone being compensated for their time.
It may even be that they can offer you what you want long term.
DO – LEARN THAT SUBMISSION IS NOT ABOUT YOUR FETISHES
Obviously your fetishes may become an important part of things. But, a simple summary of this in submission is that it’s putting your wants behind someone else’s wants and needs.
Granted – your happiness is also important – but behind the person you are serving.
DON’T – CONFUSE YOUR FETISHES WITH SUBMISSION
I guess this is the same point. But, too many guys seem to think their fetishes of foot worship, being pegged, etc. is some form of submission. They can be an act of submission. But, consider, “I am a sub looking for someone to peg me and make me kiss Her feet” – that’s closer to wanting fetishes dispensed.
DO – KEEP HEART IF THINGS AREN’T PLAYING AS YOU’D LIKE
You could be seemingly doing everything right and not getting anywhere. But, be cautious about giving up or huffing. If you’re going to munches/events/etc there’s a good chance you’ve been making friends and huffing “I didn’t get what I wanted” is disrespectful to the time they’ve put into your friendship or helping you.
This is something that may take time.
DON’T – KEEP MAKING THE SAME STEPS AND EXPECTING DIFFERENT RESULTS
If you’re not meeting people, where are you going wrong? Seek feedback from peers. Consider different events/websites/etc.
DO – CONSIDER A MIX OF EVENTS
If you’re going to events and not meeting partners, there’s a chance you’re still meeting friends and a liklihood they go to events you might not OR you can organise a mini trip somewhere.
And with what you’ve learnt elsewhere you can already approach people better, right?
DON’T – EXPECT RESULTS ON YOUR DOORSTEP
Sods law dictates you’ll get a better connection with someone who lives miles away.
But hey, makes your time together more precious.
DO – CONSIDER MULTIPLE SOURCES FOR ADVICE
Because there’s no hive mind and many different approaches.
DON’T – DISMISS THE MOST IMPORT PEER OF ALL
Why is it men always want women to show them the way? The best person you can learn from is the guys who have what you want.
This doesn’t mean bombard them with silly questions, but observing what they do.
You can always learn from the guys who aren’t getting what they want – to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes as them.