I feel there’s a trap some people fall into – which is based on behaviour patterns.  If you are doing these things, you may be limiting yourself.

There is a kinda prejudice to this, but a logic to the prejudice.

It’s not about that you’re a “straight white male” or “older”. But, that your behaviour is following patterns that people have seen before.  We know how it ends.

A simple example. If someone writes on Twitter “I have £200 to give to a Domme”. Most people would assume that they do not, in fact, have £200. Nor do they intend to give it to a Domme. They are merely fishing for attention. (Bait tweeting).

This is something that should seem obvious to most of us. But, the bait tweeters might occasionally catch someone who is new or naive. They might respond “just in case” this one is genuine, and “just needs help”.  Really, it’s going to be a merry dance.

Silently, we judge those who keep falling for the same trap.  Fool me once and that.

Now, if you are genuinely someone who wants to run a game where you want your follower count to go up. Perhaps you will genuinely give £200 to someone who retweets or follows you. You now know why, based on behaviour patterns, that you’re not quite getting the attention you want.

Patterns are everywhere

Patterns in behaviour are everywhere. Businesses use it a lot to predict trends, or busy periods, or peaks.
Let’s take a gym.  You know you’re going to get an influx of new sign ups in January, a mixture of new years resolutions and those who feel guilty about Christmas consumption.  (Average is that 12% of all sign ups are in January)
But, you also know that no matter how much anyone insists they’re determined to stick with it and that they’re going to take it seriously… 80% quit within 5 months.

So, every January you’ll get the same kinda stories and as much as you want to believe them, you know they’re not going to stick it out. (Even if, in your role as a business operator, it is kinda your job to encourage them to renew.  But, that’s separate to my main point.)

The same is true within kink and fetish.

Scams also often follow a pattern

I’ve never been scammed. I often know immediately when someone is trying to scam me.  The set up and patter is virtually identical every time.
Someone who I’ve had no other interaction with will tell me they love my profile (which they’ve clearly not read) and seemingly be very keen to offer me exactly what they think I want fairly quickly and/or try to take me off site.

I think most people who’ve done any form of dance with these folk will know fairly quickly it’s virtually the same script and set up.

In this case the pattern is the same because the scammer is literally reading a script.

Some common tropes

First off, I feel there’s a lot of different tropes that some guys slot into.

Some examples.


Someone who has just come out of a marriage or a long-term relationship.  They seem to nearly always say they “always wanted to try” although it’s unclear if this was ever raised in this relationship.
Perhaps, coming out of such a serious relationship, they are now “looking for fun”. They probably don’t realise that if they thought their vanilla relationship was intense, then… well… they’re in for a shock.
The vibe always seems to come across that they were under some form of illusion that people into kink were easy. Hence why they’d jump to do something with someone fresh out of a relationship.
Despite having “always wanted to try” they’ve never seemed to have done any form of research. They may exhibit behaviours from some of the other tropes in making a post expressing their availability and expecting everyone else to do the work for them.


Is perhaps bored in their relationship but has too much to lose by doing the right thing and ending it or seeking counselling.
Are perhaps somewhat aware of the constant harrows for ‘discretion’ within the kink scene. They have assumed this to mean “is full of women happy to also cheat”.
Whilst their best move would be to arguably go and see a Pro-Domme (much easier to come and go as he pleases and much more discreet than posting on a forum, even without a profile picture or any form of description, whilst wondering why nobody is interested.) there’s the potential of not having the disposable income to do so and so they’ve come ‘to the community’ in the hope someone will do everything a Pro will do, for free.


I guess the other obvious trope is someone who has been long term single and decided to “try kink” possibly at a suggestion of a friend.  Unlikely to actually be kinky, they’re just here because they’ve ran out of people to swipe on Tinder.
Are likely to apply the same Tinder vulture tactics.  Instead of swiping every profile in the hope one matches, will likely message every profile.  Same difference.  Everyone knows what he’s doing.
Likely to loiter local groups to wait for new sign ups or constantly check for new local members – just to try to message them first.
Along with the other 20-30 people who do the same, it’s hardly a wonder many fetish sites are somewhat off-putting to new ladies.


In a relationship and she knows he’s here (allegedly). Despite not being on the site themselves.  Questionable whether this girlfriend/wife actually exists and whether it’s felt there’ll be extra leverage – like – a couple for a bi-lady to play with is surely a catch, right?
I half wonder how this plays out sometimes. I vision a world where a single female decides “you know what, I always wanted to fuck a couple” and then suddenly this girlfriend doesn’t exist so some lie manifests, “you’ll still play with me, right?”


One that, on paper, is horrifying.  When you see a young sub who has a new “Master” and she has been sent to recruit another sub for him/them to play with.  There’s usually two general truths here. The first is this “sub” is just the “Master” posing as a sub girl to groom another sub girl.  (See above on the “she suddenly disappears”) or perhaps she is real and is following some trope of “anything for the Dom” and, in this case – doing grooming.

The list is fairly non-exhaustive, but we’ve all seen these tropes.  So, if guys, you were planning on doing one of these you need to do better.

Activity feeds reveal patterns.

Most sites have means to go through somebody’s activity history.  Reading some of these activity histories can also help paint a pattern.

Not every site is quite the same.
But the principle is.

What you will amazingly often find is someone who says “why do all the women want money?” which when you look at their history only *joined* the site a week ago and you think, “you got that from *a week*”

The pattern is the same.

He joined the site, he messaged all the women.  Those who didn’t just hit delete immediately, being aware he was the latest guy to sign up and message all the women hoping for a hit.
Those who looked at his profile will see he’s been on just a matter of days and that has otherwise contributed nothing.  Fetish.com shows a count of how many messages have been sent, which immediately tells you it was a mass mailer.   Fetlife would show what groups he has joined and what posts were made (if any) in those – and you’d more than likely find classified adverts.

The vibe this gets, especially if it’s someone who was expressing some form of ‘willingness to learn’, is they have no desire to learn – just get instant results.

That they haven’t been here long enough to read posts and articles or hit love or wrote, “this is really helpful, thank you”

There’s more chance of them having loved something about how “all women are money grabbers” which isn’t going to set somebody in good stead.

This is all a pattern of behaviour.

Within their mass message, they probably hit a couple of would be scammers, or someone who made the mistake of wasting their time going “sure I’ll help you, pay me” – when they’re simply not going to pay.

Even people on sites a long time have awful habits like long periods of inactivity, save for bumping their own personal ads and liking a lot of pictures of tits.  This isn’t a good look.

A lot of the time stamps also give a good coloration in the difference between the time joining a group and the time making a new post. This can also reveal if the person put any effort into scrolling a page to see if the self same discussion had been had, the tone of the group/site, or if there was anything they could learn from it.

But this post isn’t for them

Now, with this in mind.  This post isn’t for any of those guys.  Fuck those guys. Not literally.

I mean, it’s potentially also a little bit for people not to fall for the shit of those guys. Don’t make the mistake of going wallowing with those guys.

Like. It’s hard.  It is. Finding a partner is hard at the best of times. Finding partners in the world of kink is actually harder, not easier.

Your seeming eagerness (“I’ll do anything”) or wanting to learn, seems admirable. But really, you’re the person in the gym who says they’re there for the long term and quitting in February because they didn’t hit their target. No matter how much you say those words, nobody will believe you cos they heard that shit before.

Realistically, you are in one of two actual categories.

Category 1: You know about kink and have some degree of knowledge.

In which case, don’t dive straight in looking for a partner. Get involved in topics and threads you know about and offer help and advice. Alongside this you can look where you’d like to learn also.

People will automatically look at you warmer when they scroll your feed and see you discussing advice and experience.

Category 2 : You know relatively little. You might have had some form of fantasy or a curiosity. You might have watched porn (which mostly isn’t real, soz)
Nobody worth their salt is gonna micromanage your learning.  So, join forums and discussions on stuff you want to learn about.  Thank people for helpful posts and look to see if your question has been asked before asking it.

Again, someone looking on your feed will see someone proactively looking to learn.

Throwing toys out of pram when you immediately don’t get what you want won’t get what you want.
But, if you take these methods then, after a while, you become the person in the gym turning up in the months when there’s downturn. People can then you see you are serious.

That is how you break the pattern.