Re-reading my 2018 review I couldn’t help but get a sense of de ja vous.
Initially, I’d tried and failed to write a 2019 write-up I was happy with.
That, as I’m sure most people will know, I find it important to be open, honest and authentic.
Presenting “everything is wonderful” ignores some of the bad times and struggles and sometimes glosses over emotions.
At the same time. I didn’t want to seem overly “woe is me”. I’d become reminded that, earlier this year, I’d been accused of “wallowing in self pity” or seeking validation.
I agree that is important to avoid as it’s certainly not been the case.
But. I think it’s also important that no matter what I do, or say, people will have their perceptions and interpret it however they wish anyway.
I guess an important reminder is in there about not being able to please all the people all of the time.
But, luckily. There are positives to go with things.
Let’s get the lows out of the way first.
The big low. My relationship with Miss Suzanna ended.
I genuinely had the optimism that I’d go on to earn my collar, serve her for years and that there’d be a lot to explore together.
But, some things are better resolved privately
The reasons are still not really needed in the public arena. There’s no need for any form of public autopsy. I still want to look back on the relationship fondly and I most certainly do not wish to even imply anything negatively towards her.
But, I was heartbroken. When I did start to get active again with filming and events there was a niggle of guilt in the back of my mind as of if I should be there.
I was worried how things would be perceived. And, kinda sad that I’d leave filming days knowing I’d not receive a “So, how did it go?” message from her on WhatsApp as I used to, as she’d check in on me.
And, yeah. I miss her. It seems pointless to lie. I often would feel special because I saw her as special and a feeling that “only the best could be around her” and that was lost. I missed her company. Her support.
And, by extension – I also lost a lot of people I was friends with through her, or had been my friends but joined her circle and then somehow decided they’d never interact with me ever again.
I got extremely paranoid that as she’d been making good ground and momentum that this would mean there were others hypothetically who wouldn’t want to work with me and that while the most important thing I’d lost was her, I felt I’d lost so much more.
This was a cloud that followed me a lot of the spring and summer. Whilst a lot still feels sad, a lot of the cloud has lifted and that’s something I will come onto in the highs.
Aside from that… and this maybe deserves more than a foot note… the Liber8 club night came to an end which was very sad and also was a DJ gig I loved doing!
I also made a decision to end the rock night I was running.
VS 2019 TARGETS
Obviously the main target was to strengthen my relationship and this was blown out the water. But there were lots of other things I’d aimed to do.
Launching my clip store
It got done! I used money I’d been saving up coupled with selling off my record collection in order to be able to arrange shoots to accelerate the store and it was launched in June. And is doing pretty well.
Pouring more gunge over people.
Ironically, I did this just once in 2019 – on Jan 1st! There had been talk of doing more splosh content either for shoots or play but it fell a little secondary.
Whilst I’m a little disappointed this didn’t happen it long since stopped being a priority.
VS 2018 TARGETS
One item on my targets for 2018 was to attend a strap on party.
This wasn’t a 2019 target as my relationship superseded that and it was something I was happy to not do. Whilst I had a mental battle within myself, there was a date I could attend where travel was affordable – and – I tell thee… I had a great time.
THE 2019 HIGHLIGHTS
Where to start? I leave 2019 with some newfound friendships and somewhat relationships I never dreamed of.
I almost fear writing the highlights in case I miss anyone! There’s been so many.
I was up for an Award at Messtival and also attended the UK Glamour Awards with Mxtress Valleycat. Both were very fun experiences. Messtival was such a brilliant experience as Penny was trying something new and I met so many amazing people that day, including old friends and new – I felt like the luckiest guy alive kissing Amy Wynters feet!
It had been a long since want of mine to be involved in mixed wrestling.
I’d just missed out on an exciting film day back in 2017 and had otherwise been a little unsure how to become involved.
But, sometimes things play out lovely – and meeting Nina Hiss she kindly introduced me to wrestling. We had a match in private and she then suggested and invited me to a mixed wrestling event which I had a lot of fun at. (there’s a blog about it)
Attending clubs like Sanctum, Rebound and DVS was a lot of fun – but – in October there was a chance of a little couple of days filming in a Mansion organised by Lady Sara Borgia.
I’d been a little disappointed some other ‘event’ plans had not been possible (another story…) so this was a great opportunity and a good couple of days of filming and fun. I think it deserves a retrospective blog.
For the first time in a good while there’s been more opportunities for private play happened for me – which has been wonderful and I massively value the trust placed in me. Some play dates are also scheduled for 2020 which I’m very much looking forward to.
So, so, sooooo many filming highlights and opportunities for the future.
It’s difficult to… arrghh… but I finally got to film with Lady Bellatrix and that was an experience that did not disappoint. But other filming partners this year have included… Nina Hiss (who has become such a valued person to me), Foxtress (likewise), Sir Claire Black (we did 2 mini series’ which were both awesome), Miss Jasmine (not just a filming day, but an experience), Princess Dahlia (I love the little storyline we’ve going on), Mistress Esme, Tiffany Naylor, Madam Cruella (those clips are hilarious), Mistress Sarah, Lady Sara Borgia,Alexandra Wildfire, Lady Valeska, Mistress Inka, Miss Kitty Bliss,Lady Voluptua (thank you so much for the opportunity), Devon Breeze (although the first time I was largely in disbelief this was real :)), Princess Organa, Miss Flora (after so so long), Miss Alexa (yessss, broke your filming duck) and… of course… Mxtress Valleycat (you know, my wife…)
Some of these have been a shared basis – some of which was just for their stores – but there were some amazing experiences among that.
I ended up filming a total of 80 clips taking my current total filmed up to 270.
I was interviewed for Darkside Magazine – issue 19. Hurray. I also did a little bit work for television…
I want to release a clip on my store every week. That’s fairly achievable.
I have about 12 already so would only need to film 40.
This year I filmed 80 in total so for 2019 I’d like to target 100. Again these don’t all need to be for my store depending on what opportunities are available.In saying this – I don’t want to do any filming for-the-sake-of-it so, it’s better to do less shoots I’m happier with than risk things that are less for me.
I often keep ideas of who I’d love to film with somewhat private – but I already have days either booked or in progress with some near the top of this list.One thing that has raised a smile in 2019 is more people approaching me about filming and I do so hope this can continue as a trend. I see sometimes people moaning about film slaves, or struggling to find some and I think “If you’d asked, I could have been available”
Also for my store
There’s been high level talks about a joint filming shoot – it’d be wonderful if that could happen.
I’m interested in more collaborations but also a mixture with more clips that’s not just me (even if a factor for the store was to be more useful and increase opportunities).
I’m currently also planning a proper reskin so the domain no longer is a redirect for the store but instead a full site with a view to do more to promote those involved.
As I’m writing this post ahead of when I plan to start work on it, this may already be in progress. (Edit : It’s finished! Link.)
I do want to do potentially even 2 strap-on parties. I think a slight problem is these are often midweek and sometimes in tricky locations. So, will look at options on what works.
I obviously no longer have a regular DJ gig – I’d quite love to DJ at someone else’s fetish event or party. My rates are competitive, haha.
1 clip I’ve added to my splosh store this year! One! I think I’d quite like to add at least a couple more.
Most years I’ve done one filming weekend (or ‘two days’) and I’d like to do similar again – I’ve been fortunate enough to have done stuff in Germany, Romania, etc. but it doesn’t even have to be out of the UK : just feel a bit more than a “film day”.
I’ve met new people this year who have become dear to me – and I do so hope this remains the case. Obviously this largely on me.
I’m not seeking ownership, collaring or anything like that. I don’t wish to go through heartbreak again or to end up losing someone who was once a friend. But, strengthening friendships is never a bad thing.
And, well… with a glass of optimism half raised, who knows what the future holds….