Knowing/Setting Your Financial Boundaries.

This is not (just) about Findom.

There’s a lot within fetish and BDSM, particularly when you’re new, or meet somebody new, there can be a temptation to “spend now, worry about it later”

This could be because you want to make a good impression. Or it could be that you would rather do something NOW and pay it off than wait in the hope you can afford the time later. Fearing you will miss opportunities.

This is something that is largely a joint responsibility, but largely that on the sub.

Unless you have an arrangement, expecting your Dominant to be responsible for your spending/finances is extra labour on them.  Ultimately, they can’t do anything about it if you’re not sure and crystal honest yourself.

And, also, unless you’re exclusive to one person – then nobody can babysit your finances for you.

Here’s some tips to follow


In general it’s important to know your monthly disposable income. You should set a budget within that towards kink. Whether this is to save towards any form of bigger purchase, or whether purchases like gifts, tributes, subscription services (i.e. onlyfans, AVN, etc), clips, equipment, clothes, sessions.
“Only” $10 a month probably seems reasonable; but if you follow multiple people and then consider bank charges then it could easily be £40, £50, £60.
Same with the purchase of clips – it can sharp stack up.

If you do price-per-minute online chat then work out the price per minute and how long you wish to stay on for to ensure you can cover comfortably.


Like anything, exceptions apply, for example a business purchase. If paying for something now will guarantee extra income in the future.
But, in general.

It is important, as I say, to consider opportunities in front of you; but the question is what are you getting in debt for.
If you were to book a holiday on credit and spend the next 1-2 years paying it off then you had a lovely holiday. You know you can’t have another one until that one is paid off unless circumstances change.

That’s a little different because having the nice holiday and paying it off over 2 years before another holiday is around a budget.

If you were to get into debt for sessions, or for someone online, or so on… then what?
You’re going to want another session. You’ll want more clips. This isn’t likely to be a one-off opportunity but part of an ongoing thing.  So you can’t keep pumping cash in if you’re not earning it.

I saw a Lady boast on Twitter she had a sub in 5 grand of debt – and, this is going to take him time to pay off – which means either he can’t do anything while paying it off, or risks getting into further debt in order to continue the relationship.

As well as any moral issues – this also doesn’t make business sense. I’ll come to that shortly.


Within Findom circles there’s assorted games which leads to a “debt contract” where the sub owes the Dominant a certain amount of cash, possibly from a game or agreement, and pays it back overtime.
Now, firstly, these aren’t legally binding – so the Dominant is also taking a risk in allowing for one – but actually the reality is that a deposit should be paid to secure their time – then the “debt” is accrued – but each time some is paid off this is also further interactions between the two. So when there’s other games which “adds” to the debt, it’s merely extending the relationship.
But it’s important that these are consensual and fun for everyone involved and not something that may add to the subs own debt or stress in attempts to repay something that isn’t actually legally binding.


If you can’t afford, don’t buy/pay.
This is going to mean you have to go without some things. If this is a problem, go away, take a step back, and return to whatever network when you can.
Everything within kink/fetish/etc is a luxury, not a right.
Anyone encouraging you get into debt should be avoided.


If you are frustrated by things you can’t afford, then look into if you can budget. See what overtime options exist, or other “make money in spare time” apps or systems (I use YouGov, BeMyEye and uTest)
Also consider if there’s any unused possessions you can sell. Music you don’t listen to, computer games you don’t play, other belongings that can be sold that you no longer require.


However, remember, even if you sell off a bunch of stuff to raise money you can only sell it once.
You’d be far better placed using any sales money to pay of debts than to burn through.


Using my example above of the sub that claimed to have got into £5000 worth of debt for the Mistress.
While I’m sure for her the lump sum, or the bulk of cash in a short space of time, was good; the sub is, or will soon be, burnt out.
A low rate £5k loan over 5 years is circa £100 a month with £6000 repaid to the bank.
Doesn’t seem all that heavy; but if the sub was providing a regular/average of £100 per month then obviously there becomes a point when this is better off.

Of course, it might be that you don’t expect the sub to still be interacting with you 5 years from now. That’s something the sub should also consider. This money, once it’s gone it’s gone. She can’t get more from you so there’s no incentive to maintain any form of interaction, let alone relationship.

Your own longevity is to be someone who is interacting regularly and doing sessions or whatever accordingly.

Anyone who pressures you to compete financially is someone you should question if is right for you.


If you do burn out on funds; then obviously you can’t keep giving and also might struggled to give your best if you’re also worried about funds.
There’s a general Findom quote around how “broke subs are useless” and while this is something I’ve found a bit much (and inaccurate) you can certainly be more useful when you are not stressing about money. If you are overspending or worried about so then it’s OK to take some time out. Regroup, sort out a new budget and come back when things are in order.
The industry won’t disappear while you’re gone. The last several thousand years haven’t seen it off…


If you have a Dominant and find you’re no longer able to afford to continue the relationship (this could be due to a regular monthly spend, regular sessions, whatever other agreement you have) then it’s best to have an open conversation about this.
For me; a good Dominant should be able to come to some form of arrangement which considers your position without overall disadvantaging them. Of course, the context of your relationship is important here. If you meet someone once or twice and they said “I’m looking forward to our next session” and you say “I don’t know when that will be as I’m a little tight on cash” their response is more likely to be “Come back when you can afford to” rather than any form of arrangement.

What I mean by arrangement though is that obviously if you are paying less then there’s certain things you should assume would have to be put on ice and this is something you can chat about. But for example it may be they can, say, get you to do tasks or help out or something depending on their needs. I’ve spoken to subs who’ve said different offers their Dominants made them, effectively working for time – but only because they’d otherwise had a long term dedicated relationship.

You’re not owed anything by your Dominant; but there’s every chance they won’t want to lose you if you were an otherwise good sub. And, harshly, if they were all too happy to cut you off when you hit money troubles; then when your finances are back in order you can ask yourself if they were the right person for you.

Like a lot of things, if your money troubles are something you can’t handle on your own then it would be advisable to speak to a debt advice company – in the UK a good first place to start is your own bank – if they can’t help you then they will refer you to the Citizens Advice.


Because, in short, that makes you a cunt.
Also, bollocks like “Give me something now and I’ll pay you on pay day” – nobody was born yesterday. There’s no reason for someone, especially a stranger, to give you time on tick.