I often see (particularly) new subs who appear dejected at how difficult it is for them to find a Dominant/Mistress.
Particularly so if they feel they’re in a sea of scammers or people they’ve been talking to for a week who suddenly spring up about tribute. (Which is also likely to be a scam, as Pro’s may not have wasted their own time for a week.)
There’s a few quick advice I feel I often give to subs, which are summarised below.
1) IT IS DIFFICULT FINDING SOMEONE
Once you accept that very basic piece of wisdom, you can approach everything with a more open mind.
Do not expect to fire off a handful of messages, or go to a couple of events and be suddenly whisked off by the Domme of your dreams.
Patience is a very important virtue here.
2) BUT DO GO TO MUNCHES AND EVENTS
It is possible to become known or build rapport online. But it is much quicker if you actually meet people in the flesh, or have some real-life experiences to draw upon.
Remember these are not hook-up events, although many people have found play and/or partners via them, but building friendships, knowledge and passive connections is always valuable.
3) ONLY APPROACH/PROPOSITION THOSE WHO ACTUALLY INTEREST YOU
Someone always blow you away with what they say online? Message them and tell them.
Someone at a munch seems cool and interesting? Say hello.
Someone happen to be listed as ‘Domme’ and are near-ish to your area and have a weak profile? Why are you messaging them? That’s just desperation.
Don’t do the whole “message all the Domme’s” thing, especially not with the same message. Maybe take some time and patience and reach out only to those who really interest you?
Your approach will come over better also.
4) APPROACH PEOPLE AS IF THEY ARE A PERSON, NOT A FETISH
This doesn’t matter if they are someone online, or at an event, Pro or not. Approaching people as if they are a person, for a conversation, will always go a lot better than just handing a shopping list of fetishes over.
(NB: context applies, if you go onto a Pro Domme website you wouldn’t then email them “for a chat”. But certainly things are different in social settings)
5) LEARN TO HANDLE REJECTION
No is not a challenge. It’s a decision.
No response is (usually) a no.
By the laws of averages you will interact or contact more people that you are not compatible than you are.
6) UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU CAN OFFER AND NOT JUST HOW YOU BENEFIT
A lot of subs fall foul of what I’ve referred to as ‘mirror logic’. The logic is a very simple; “I am interested in worshipping feet, therefore there is a woman interested in having her feet worshipped”
Now, actually. That is correct. The difference here is this comes across that, what you are interested in is foot worship – and not necessarily the person.
Yes, of course there are women who enjoy having their feet worshipped. Just. Why with you?
Again if you’re thinking “you’re good at it”, or “you’re good looking” or anything else so shallow you don’t quite get the full picture.
Why does someone want to spend time with you? This can be difficult but my advice here for subs is to at least think, “why you?”.
7) LEARN ABOUT THE KINKS YOU WANT TO PARTAKE IN
If someone is going to strap you up, beat you, peg you, whatever. Do you know how to prepare for it?
Do you understand how to spot if the Dominant isn’t behaving safely? Can you communicate what you like and don’t like about the activities?
If someone wants to learn more about it, can you guide them on it? (That’s not “topping from the bottom” if it’s helping with someone else’s learning and education)
8) DROP THE BULLSHIT “I’LL DO ANYTHING” AND VARIANTS
Even if you genuinely believe you would do anything – saying this already demonstrates you wouldn’t.
Because ‘anything’ would include learning how to approach someone. Learning how to communicate your interests.
Learning that “I’ll do anything” is rarely helpful and leads people feeling like it’s tiring try to coax out what you have in common.
9) REMEMBER YOUR TIMELINE TELLS ON YOU
Most websites it’s very easy for the person you’ve messaged to cycle through your post history.
This doesn’t mean to curate for their benefit. But, everything like the comments you’ve left on pictures. The discussions you’ve made in groups. So on. May paint a picture.
Whether that is good or bad, is variable. But assume someone you’re contacting would do some form of due diligence.
If you’re telling someone she’s the most wonderful person you’ve ever seen and your timeline is constant attempts at flirting, it might not back up your story.
10) BE CAUTIOUS WHEN SPEAKING ABOUT SCAMMERS, FAKES, PROS AND TRIBUTE
So, I’m not going to say treat scammers with respect. But if you’re someone who is constantly getting bombarded by scammers you might want to question why you are not spotting them sooner (I have a previous blog on this) and, of course, when you’re sending out speculative messages the scammers always reply. So, the vibe given out is that you’re mass messaging.
This said, of course, if you’re talking to someone and unsure if it’s a scam or not, pose the question.
But moaning about being frequented by scammers and fakes often looks weak.
Fake, of course, is a weasel word. Usually the guys who use ‘fake’ use it to describe women who won’t drop everything and meet them to act out their fetishes for free.
So complaining about fakes makes you look entitled.
And, when it comes to Pro’s – that Pro-Domme’s exist is not hampering you getting the relationship of your dreams just as takeaway services existing aren’t the reason no one is cooking your dinner tonight.
It gets a bit apples and pears.
It sounds more like you’re making excuses for not being appealing.
Of course, you may very well want to go a more “Pro” route which is also totally fine. The above all applies.
I hope you have found some of this advice for subs to be helpful!