Do you have to be submissive to enjoy kink?
One thing I’ve learnt over the years is that a lot of people who are, or think they are, submissive often get confused on what this entails.
That, not everyone on the “right of the slash” is actually submissive.
I’m not saying that that is any kind of bad thing.
But there’s a world of difference, for example, between someone who is a submissive and someone who is a masochist.
But, either are valid.
CLOSE TO HOME
Within myself I’ve obviously had my own questions over the years on as of if I’m actually submissive.
I’ve since concluded that it doesn’t really matter as long as everyone is happy with the situation – and I certainly have elements that could be classed as submissive.
THE D/S BIAS
I often think that too much within kink is bias into D/s. That everyone on one side is Dominant everyone on the other side is submissive (and a switch flits between the two under whatever circumstances) and this often leaves some feeling lost or out of place.
The hallowed cry of “I’m not a sub I’m just a normal guy who likes *whatever*” (as if submissives are abnormal, but still…)
Or wanting to go to a certain event but feeling uncomfortable because men have to be in a sub role even if the only element they really like is either casual play or severe beatings and not all the frills that go with it.
SO NOT ALL ‘SUBS’ ARE SUBS?
No. But that’s OK. You don’t have to be submissive to enjoy ‘play’. You don’t have to be submissive to be kinky. Many masochists might be able to take a beating but are not otherwise submissive.
So. If you’re not submissive, that’s OK. But if you are submissive, accept that sometimes others you are sharing space with are not.
SO HOW DO I DO THINGS IF I’M/THEY’RE NOT SUB?
So, let’s say you want to book a session with a Pro-Domme, you can approach and say you are a masochist and what does interest you in the session (being beaten) and what does not (which could be other play, or certain language)
If you are getting involved in your local community, you just tell people what you like and don’t when talking about yourself. (Just don’t say “I’m not into this sub shit”, it won’t go down well)
Obviously this might mean that assorted protocol events would not be suitable for you, but then most generalised fetish nights will be.
SOME RELATIONSHIP RULES CAN BE DIFFERENT
What is expected and permitting can differ. Different shades of masochist, for example, might play to be punished – which is good if part of a healthy set up but can be extremely frustrating. As satisfying as the beating may be, it’s still what they wanted. But this can be OK if everyone is happy.
BUT THIS DOESN’T ABSOLVE YOU OF MANNERS
This shouldn’t be too difficult to understand, I’d hope. Most rules still apply to you in whichever situation you are in.
That if there’s a group of people you need to do your share of the tidying up and work.
You don’t get to pass of anything asked or expected of you under “I’m not a sub”.
YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN SUBS – AND THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN YOU
Everyone is different – and that’s great. It’s important to know that, yes, we all fit in. But to avoid any form of oneupmanship or “better than” tropes.
All that does is cause conflict, which causes one or another to be pushed out of any group.
Do you have to be submissive to enjoy kink? No. But, just don’t pretend you are.