I started this as foot fetish, but then quickly realised it was transferable elsewhere.
So, here it is – if you’ve got a fetish and not really getting what you want, here’s a bunch of things you maybe should stop doing in order to boost your chances.
1) Being ashamed of their fetish
I want to start with a very positive one. It can be very easy to feel ashamed of your fetish, particularly if you feel it’s only you – or, in my case, if the behaviour of others into similar makes you feel like you will be associated with the creepy side.
Now, you might say “Other people make me feel ashamed” but, while, some people can be insensitive – for the best part it’s not the fetish they are shaming, but the behaviour. I’ll come to that shortly.
Fetishes can be wonderful thing, especially if being enjoyed with someone of mutual benefit.
2) Confusing acceptance with “I’ll do it with you”
A lot of people often say they feel they wish more people were accepting of their fetish.
The truth is – an awful lot of people ARE accepting – but this doesn’t mean that you chiming up about your fetish means they want to do it there and then with you.
3) Confusing shaming their behaviour with shaming their fetish
Now, someone saying “I find foot fetishists gross” is heading into kink shaming and I will agree there. The question is of course is why someone who is saying that says it; whether it is that the concept of someone being at their feet freaks them out, or if this is due to the negative behaviour of other fetishists.
But, I’ve come across people who’ve said they’ve been made to feel ashamed and the reality is, that it was their behaviour – that in their approach to people had it been referring to boobs or bum the same way as it was feet that it’d be unacceptable.
If someone would call you out for staring at their breasts then it’s no different to calling you out for staring at their feet.
You wouldn’t be too shocked if you got a scolding for going up to someone and being “hey, nice tits” but somehow it’s a surprise if someone isn’t fully supportive to your “hey, nice feet” comment.
4) Expecting mirror logic
Simple – “I am a guy with a foot fetish, I want to kiss/worship/rub women’s feet – therefore there is a woman who would like a guy to kiss/worship/rub their feet”
The logic is true. But while your preference is for, well, any feet – your general lack of fussiness suggests it’s more about the foot than the person. There are women who would like that, but most have got a bit more class than picking the first stranger from the internet.
5) Shaming/attacking those offering financial services
We get it. You don’t want to pay. But, there’s no real gain to attacking people. You say you don’t want to be shamed, yet are happy to shame others. All you serve in doing is fuelling an environment that is hostile towards women who wont indulge your fetish. It also shows up in your newsfeeds and, doesn’t give you a positive impression.
Why not just turn a blind eye, like you do to creepy blokes and abusers?
6) Analogies between their kink and homosexuality
There’s a big underlying case of homophobia in these analogies – they basically go “I wish foot fetish was as acceptable as being gay” or “Shaming my fetish is as bad as shaming someone for being gay” – woah. Wow.
Way to look like a complete deluded prick.
However, if you do want a homosexual analogy. You know when you talk about wishing your kink was accepted and wishing people would do it with you and so on. So, this one only really applies to straight guys, but, imagine a gay guy contacts you and wants you to do their fetish with you. How do you react? I mean, there’s different answers on a person to person basis but if nothing else – you’re not interested. You don’t have to indulge their fetish as nobody else has to indulge yours.
7) Not taking ‘no’ for an answer.
This might seem really simple. But fetishists often fail badly at this. For example, I see a common argument along “How do you know unless you try”, “Not all foot fetishists…” and anything that’s along a “just give me a chance” basis.
Take the no. Move on. Your perseverance only goes to show why they were right to say no – and of course, sets off flags to others.
8) But, moving immediately to the next person
I was in a discussion once and it came out I had a foot fetish, “Eh, but you’re not a creep?” and it turned out that previous experiences of foot fetishists amongst ladies in the group were – online: they’d receive the same copy paste message either all together or over an interval. Or in public there’d be someone approached one of them, get told no – then immediately ask another person.
I’ve heard other ladies also critique guys who go around the clubs asking for anything from anyone.
Tying in with previous points – it doesn’t present anyone as being anything more than a pair of feet and makes you look desperate – and, of course, helps give other foot fetishists a bad name.
9) Pretending they’re complimenting people to be nice
This one is a little… grey. I guess. Also context. I mean, it depends on what you get and hope you get out of this.
Someone posting a picture online, especially on a fetish site, may be expecting or prepared to receive comments. (Side note: unless clearly specified “Hey nice pedicure” is acceptable. “I want to empty my load all over your feet” is not.)
Someone in your friends group – you may know they’ll appreciate the right kind of comments.
But, complete strangers on the street – if your motivation is “to brighten their day” then why only women? Do others not deserve their day brightening? Why just the parts related to their fetish? Why not their haircut or handbag or coat?
At best case, it might “feel like you’ve done a nice thing” which is why men get angry when their ‘compliment’ isn’t appreciate, that feeling is taken from them. But, in other cases there’s potential for a hope for something more. It’s like how some guys who wolf whistle claim that “women really like it” because sometimes they’ll receive a positive response back and “I’ve even snogged girls” – it’s a numbers game, that you hope by keeping do it, one will result in a positive outcome for you.
So, don’t really lie to yourself that there’s anything short of an outside hope for some form of positive result.
10) Confusing D/s with fetish
Just because you have a foot fetish it doesn’t boost your chances if you claim you’re a sub. Likewise, complaining about a D/s bias on D/s based forums is never going to go well.
Some foot fetishists are submissive, some Dominants and some just not into D/s at all (but please don’t insult us by saying “I’m not a sub I’m a regular guy” as that suggests that subs are not regular guys). I appreciate this can sometimes be tricky – I remember reading a news article about a foot fetish party in which one of the guys in attendance was moaning about the other guys being submissive whereas he wasn’t – so, kinda do research stuff like this before attending and if this is a problem, look at other options.
11) Think they’re ‘owed’ their fetish for having one.
You’re not owed the chance to indulge your fetish just as you’re not owed sex.
If you want sex there are steps you can take to boost your chances, just as if you want to engage in a fetish then – you know – put some effort in.
12) Sitting on a computer waiting for their fetish to come to them
To tie in with boosting your chances; just by being active on the fetish scene and not falling into many traps boosts your chances of being able to indulge in the fetish you want. Effort goes a long way.
13) Not learning how to make their fetish more enjoyable for the other person.
Funny enough – I’ve wrote about that here…
14) Dismissing those indulging in their fetish as ‘lucky’
Luck has relatively little to do with things. You create your own luck by putting in the effort.
15) Repeating the same steps and expecting different results
Like, have you tried improving how you contact people? Or, actually coming off the computer into the real world? What can you be doing to make more people want to spend time with you doing your fetish.
Whilst you can be doing everything (seemingly) right and not getting the results you desire – certainly if your approach isn’t working, it might be worth looking to see what you can do differently.