“I’d love to that one day”
“I wish that was me”
“I’d love the opportunity to do that”
So on, so forth.
My simple question is…
So, what are you doing about it?
There’s a lot where context is going to be important.
So, you might one day want to visit a certain country – and it might not be important you go there immediately, but you can save up – perhaps learn the basics of the language in your own time to help you when you get there and there might be a little “there’s always next year”.
But, you also kind of also know – that this is on you. Nobody is going to come along at random to you and whisk you to that country at their expense.
So, now we talk about kink.
Particularly around January time a lot of people talk of things they’d like to do. Many people write little bucket lists and work towards them. But those who tend to achieve things tend to make the steps to make them happen… or, potentially, seeds were already being sewn.
Some goals of course are a little easier than others.
If you dream of being/having a live-in-slave then this has a very low remit for success and will certainly take a while…. but this doesn’t mean you can’t start making steps.
But it might be simpler. You might just want to try a specific fetish or enter a relationship. These are much easier but won’t occur just by being sat behind your computer.
Obviously. If you’ve chosen to read this, or have signed up for one website or another than this is a start. But, let’s simplify.
Let’s say you want a romantic partner who is into rock music.
First off, you’re probably not going to try to meet them in a dance club – although there is an advantage that if you both feel out of place you can save each other!
But, the best place might be to go where people who like rock music are or go. This could involve going to rock bars and clubs. Into going to concerts and festivals. You might sign up for forums for the hope of meeting someone, but ultimately that constantly interacting with people of similar interests helps keep you up to speed and boosts your own knowledge.
No matter how clever you already think you are – there’s always something new to learn and – of course – always new albums/concerts/etc.
You probably should also know that just by doing this there is absolutely no certainty you will meet anyone but by being in the right places it automatically boosts your chances.
But, equally. There are other steps beyond that. And most of this is common sense, but if you start turning up places with poor personal hygiene, often looking scruffy or simply being rude or demanding – then this gives you a bad reputation and goes against you.
This is certainly common sense when it comes to going out and about, I’d hope, but this is somewhere I think a lot of people do fail online.
Lazy and untidy profiles. Off-putting profile pics (i.e. dick pics). Poor attitudes in online discussions.
It’s true you can do everything right and still not get the desired results, but the more sloppy you are around the edges the more off-putting you become.
So, while signing up on a forum and saying “Hi, I’m new” is arguably a start. It’s not really “putting yourself out there” so to speak.
I feel it’s important to treat online as a reflection and an accompaniment to what you’re doing “In real life” rather than a replacement.
One thing I’ve often said is that when it comes to kink it’s no a sprint it’s a marathon, but just by being in the race gives you a chance to contribute and be noticed.
Whether this is because you are carrying a fridge on your back to stand out, or helping others… it’s being noticed.
But this is still part of the picture.
I sometimes think it’s difficult if you know you’re kinky but have never had a kinky relationship.
See, if you’re in a relationship and decide to explore kink together that can kind of work. But, sometimes you can be in this weird lull where you’re either trying to meet someone to “convert” when this is still something new-ish to you. Or you’re finding it difficult because… well… it’s a bit creepy for experienced people to be seeking out the inexperienced, isn’t it?
But, there are multiple options to boost your experience.
Munches/Events – go where the kinky people go
Workshops – learn more hands on
Online Reading/Tutorials – boost your own knowledge
Seek a Mentor – although someone is going to need some form of incentive to mentor you. So easier if combined with the above.
And you know, if you’re interest is solely around one specific fetish or fantasy then you can cut to the chase and simply pay a pro.
The above is not exhaustive.
But, a lot of this is how important and what sort of timescales?
I’ve had my own problems and setbacks at times. The positives are that I’m only 37 and see time ahead of me. I know people who didn’t start their kink journeys until in their 60s.
Look at the opportunities around you and make progress towards your end goal. Accept that you can do everything right and still not quite get what you’d like, so don’t be afraid to occasionally tweak course.
None of us really know it all. But, while having a guide is helpful – this is ultimately off your own back…