My first 2017 retrospective I wrote, I wasn’t very happy with.
While it did focus on some highs – and lows – of this year : there’s things it didn’t quite capture.
This HAS been a very good year for me – and that goes beyond dispute.
It has also had lots of challenges, frustrations and lows.
So. I’m instead going to write a lessons of 2017 – for myself to learn from and, possibly there’s something in there would benefit others.
LESSON ONE : KNOW (WHERE) YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH
It’s easy to think, even if just for 5 minutes now and then, that we’re not good enough. Perhaps looking in a diary and finding a lack of kink activities can make you think “nobody really likes me” or “nobody likes me any more” – but the way that circumstances work means this isn’t true.
Of course, there’s a number of people I see shouting on social network looking for a Mistress, or filming opportunities, or flipping the coin – tribute or gifts : and you are good enough, but, if it’s not forthcoming you’ve potentially not put the work in where it’s needed. Book a couple of sessions, keep in contact with subs, nothing happens with magic.
I’m aware assorted brain weavils (for want of better words) can make you feel less of yourself than is warranted and, I don’t have a magic word to right these – but – overall, we’re all good enough.
LESSON TWO : DON’T GET DISTRACTED BY IDIOTS
I have spent too much of this year spending time on people who aren’t worthy of it. By that I, effectively, mean arguing with people or being dragged into threads or conversations.
This has of course been a waste of my time and also of course has had impacts on my head.
In writing this, I’ve had a much needed clear out of assorted Fetlife groups, the ones I’m most likely to get embroiled in. (Mostly foot fetish groups, some guys in there are the worst…. but also some of the local classifieds groups).
But also, from time to time I see people engaged in conversations with surefire timewasters, every message you swap with some dick is a drain on your time and – to be honest – it’s probably more effective if not spending the time with some valuable ‘you time’ then potentially messaging someone you have a relationship with to tell them you’re thinking of them.
Or even something meaningful to someone you don’t (“Hi Blacksheep, I really like your blog” hahah. I joke… or do I…?)
But seriously, seeing a little envelope and opening it to find it’s from a Mistress I like really brightens my day, especially when I’m not expecting it.
LESSON THREE : DON’T OVERTHINK EVERYTHING
Guilty, guilty, guilty.
Everything I do is just bound to end up badly.
That clip we did, I was awful, wasn’t I? I’ve ruined it!
But then, you watch everything back – you get nice feedback back – and it’s just not true.
Worried for nothing.
As I say, this has been a good year for me and evidence suggests next year will be too, but I’m often reminded of how fragile everything is and worry about how quickly things can drop to pieces.
The impact of a favourite Mistress retiring or a premise closing… just how little options for kink exist when the money is tight.
Now. I do agree people should consider empathy. How do my actions affect other people? I often constantly worry about this. Particularly, people I like.
If I write “I had a lovely day with Mistress X”, I sometimes worry Mistress Y will see it and be “Well, you’ve not bothered your arse with me for a while!” or whatever.
Mind, I did have this conversation in person with someone I’ve not done anything with in a while and would LOVE to film with again… and she said, “I’m just happy you’re supporting women”
So. I think some things are important to consider empathy. If someone is someone you’ve told or implied is a priority, treat them as one.
Don’t bullshit them.
LESSON FOUR : TURN UP, DON’T BE A DICK
It’s the advice I give any prospective sub.
If you book sessions, go to munches, go to events…. it doesn’t guarauntee you everything you want, but, it puts you in the running. It enriches you. Just by partaking in the race, gives more opportunities.
LESSON FIVE : NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS ROUND THE NEXT CORNER
A lot this year has turned everything on it’s head for me.
Some relationships from 2016 continued through 2017 (be that Mistress, film company, etc.) and some faded away.
Filming with DG introduced me to a lot of new people and a lot of new opportunities opened up.
I’ve also met with people I never thought I would.
You can just never tell how things will play out.
Looking to 2018, right now there’s been ideas discussed I’m sure will come to life – but – while I’ve ideas where I’d like to develop, I have no idea what I’ll be writing this time next year.
LESSON SIX : YOU CAN’T DO ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT TO
Because your bank balance says no.
Your health says no.
Commitments say no.
Holiday entitlement at work says no.
Time says no.
LESSON SEVEN : SET YOUR PRIORITIES (AND ACCEPT YOU MIGHT NOT BE SOMEONE ELSES)
Partially tying in with lesson six.
There may be some flexibility depending on your circumstances, but, top of the tree should be Family.
Then below that, whatever pays your bills.
So, any dedication to kink should not come at an impact to your relationships nor should it risk your income, the capatalist society in which we live relies on money to pay bills, live, eat, etc.
So anything that strains your job, or strains your ability to buy necessities to survive should be avoided.
I am all for the logic of “sacrifices for Mistress”, but if you go without food/warmth/etc then this will impact your health and so you will be less able to serve.
Below that, what I’d roughly expect in a heirachy : that as a general rule, a Mistress would have Her owned subs towards the top, with regular decent subs below that and maybe a mismatch below that of people with sessions booked and Joe Random to be bottom of the pile.
I’d expect things to be moveable, for example, if I was an owned sub I would expect even a new client to have priority above me when Mistress is plotting a session or in an ‘aftercare’ period a few days after.
But, I think my point here is that if you have a session booked with someone for a fortnight’s time there’s all these other people with priorities above you.
From other perspectives.
From a sub perspective. If you are an owned sub then obviously your priority will be the person who owns you… and… well… there doesn’t necessarily need to be anyone else.
If you’re a floating slut like me, well, this is something that can be a touch different.
But still, logic : if I’m filming in city x with Mistress Y, then the cost for that could gone towards travel/tribute for someone else.
So, I’m finding it more important to be critical of who and where I film.
Using opportunities to enrich myself and meet amazing and cool people.
Whilst also wishing to progress relationships where there is a good structure.
So, for myself – I need to work out myself how and where to prioritise and if this involves spending more time with fewer people.
LESSON EIGHT : LEARN WHEN GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT, AND WHEN GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO GO OUT AND EARN THEM
I had a great day filming recently with someone we’ve been looking at doing something together for about 8 months. Earlier this year, there was someone where first contact had been made 9 months previous and another where it had been 5 months.
It doesn’t have to be immediate. Patience and paths will cross.
But, tying in with everything I’ve said – getting out, being involved, putting some effort in. It doesn’t ensure you get anything, but does boost chances of something happening.
Getting involved, makes things happen. But sometimes, be cautious about being too pushy. Let things play out – and seek to improve while they do.
LESSON NINE : SOME PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO LEARN
We can row with the iditos all we like, they’re set in their ways and won’t change.
“Some people just need guidance” we’re told. Sure.
If they want guidance, they will look for it. What they want is kink on their laps.
Advice will fall on deaf ears and isn’t worth your efforts.
However, generic blog posts for those who *want* to learn, can help those who have potential.
You can usually tell those who have potential, but need a little guidance, from those who really aren’t suitable and need to go away for a serious rethink.
The problem is, we spend too much time on those who really should go away and rethink.
LESSON TEN : HAVE FUN
The most important thing is to have fun. There’s a lot of weird mindsets sometimes, but overall – anything you engage in, if you don’t enjoy it, what’s the point?
“Well, I don’t enjoy this activity – but I do it for my Dominant”
Well, that’s different. Because you enjoy their company and it’s about a whole lot more than individual enjoyment.
Though, if both of you partakes in a certain activity because you think the other one enjoys it, then, well, that’s a bit silly. There’s better use of time together.
LESSON ELEVEN : THERE’S MORE TO D/S THAN SESSIONS
Sessions are great.
Now, I sometimes think a lot of guys get it wrong because they’re effectively seeking sessions but not willing to pay for one.
There’s a lot of talked about on this in the past – and no, I do not believe submission=money. (Unless you’re a Finsub)
Sessions are basically ‘play time’. They’re the bit where you lock yourselves in a dungeon for 2 hours or whatever and do wonderful kink activities.
There is nothing wrong with approaching a Professional with the view of having a session, doing some fantasies, having fun, paying for Her time… then that being the beginning and end of dealings.
I think the problem is often that (usually) guys want the ‘session’ kind of thing, their kinks their fantasies – but don’t want to pay a professional nor build relationships. Remember, regardless of your relationship status, someone has to pay the dungeon hire….
I love sessions. But, think there’s more to D/s than just play time and seeing relationships develop from out of this and wanting to do things for people outside of this is a beautiful thing.
The feeling of wanting to serve and wanting to help (and wanting to be served) doesn’t come from 2 hours odd locked in a dungeon. It’s when you get a message asking if you can help with some research or info, or when you create something for a video and it’s appreciated : even just making photo collages of someone, or some people, you admire and having them shared for signal boost.
And, it’s genuinely humbling to know that there are those who think enough of me to want to share a bit more with me outside of sessions. Away from cameras.
It wasn’t something I sought – and perhaps that is why it’s played out like this. So…
LESSON TWELVE : SOMETIMES IT’S BETTER WITHOUT AN END GOAL
I’ve not really had any form of end goal in this!
Everything has just played out as it has.
I mean, OK, there are people I’ve seen and thought “one day I want to film with you” – and have.
(But then there’s probably more people I’ve thought “one day I want to film with you” and haven’t – and some of these I may one day film with – and some of these, logic dictates I won’t)
But, I’ve never sought relationships, I’ve never sought ownership. I just wanted to be useful to people I admire.
But, I’m not selfless. In exchange for being useful, I get to film cool stuff. I get great experiences. I get to be seen with some of the most amazing women in Europe.
This is quite a honour!
But, in lacking expectations, everything I get feels good. You know anything you get is because people want to give it to you.
I’ve no idea where I will be this time next year. There have been some good discussions this year and irons in the fire for next.
I have things I’d like to do, but no end goal.
This means this time next year I can look back at what I did do, rather than what I didn’t. Living in the moments rather than pushing one way or another.
This year I had no targets, so have had lots of great experiences.
Beyond what I could have imagined.
Now, there are things next year I’d like to do – but certainly no end game.
And that brings us to…
Next week I will be continuing this blog looking forward to 2018 : stay tuned.
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