Why is it always about money?
aka – Pro-Shaming
“Where are all the women?” has been a lowly battle cry since the dawn of the internet.
It’s like the desperate mating call from the male who never leaves his house and is too tight to sign up for a dating site.
Add in some cliche about an unfair ratio or about how “nice guys finish last” and it’s complete.
Our hunter-gatherer male has signed up to all the hottest forums and internet chat rooms and is sniffing around looking for fresh meat.
He’s sent his cliche message to everyone who was already there and got nowhere… must be because she’s in a relationship, or lesbian, or part of some dark secret circle. They’re “established” and what our beast needs is some new blood to snatch. Effectively preying on anyone new that comes through the door.
“Hello” comes the cry.
“A/S/L?” comes the echo.
“F! It’s a woman!!!” and then ping, ping, all the men come out of their packs each desperate to take her to their herd.
“I wish you were closer” comes one, seeing the location is too far and he’s not into online play – as if – somehow – she would obviously fawn over him if they were just a few blocks away.
Perhaps someone does catch her eye and she engages in chatter – or – perhaps – she finds it overwhelming. PMs that just go “Hey” being pointless and too many “Just want to chat” conversations where the male doesn’t seem to want to chat but instead have her do all the work for his entertainment. And the one person who she does chat with goes from “Hello, how are you?” to “When are we fucking?” in 3 messages.
Unsurprisingly, she doesn’t bother with that chat room/forum/whatever that often.
Ah, the classified forum.
Guy. Guy. Guy. Woman who seems too sure in what she wants. Guy. Guy. Oh, hello, new woman… click, click… “Send tribute when PMing me”, “Skype sessions from….”, “I book real time sessions…”, “Want to buy socks…?” – oh come on, you wait all this time for a woman and she just wants money.
And it is, it’s the “where are all the women?” all over again.
But, who gets blamed? Not the guys who make it such a hostile environment for women who are looking – but the men who pay.
Even if they’re not paying *that person* it’s somehow the fault cos they paid another person.
It’s your fault Sports Direct are exploiting workers because you once bought sportswear.
Granted, you bought Sportswear elsewhere, but it still enables this culture.
Of course, we’re not talking about Sportswear as such, we’re talking about monetising someone’s sexuality and to compare the two is unfair objectification.
Some men are uncomfortable about women who monetise their sexuality because it’s something they can’t control.
They can’t set the rates, or the terms, even to the extent of “£150 per hour, I can do x with person y for £100 per hour” is likely to be met with a “see person y”.
There’s evidence of women working as Pro-Domme’s for hundreds of years (16th Century) and of course evidence of women working as full service sex workers for thousands (2400 BC).
Some of this ties in with some of my forthcoming points – but – there were times when men could get some form of control or cut of this (see any example of exploitation) and the Internet firmly hands more and more control back to women.
You know… I quite liked a post which was basically “these are my old trainers, make me an offer I can’t refuse if you want them, or they’ll go in the bin”.
Honestly, there was art at play there. Pure. Art.
It’s a basic “Fuck you” that I’m not willing to satisfy some guys kicks on the cheap and I’d rather confine his fetish to the bin then for a cheap kick.
Mind, it worked because said person was someone known, respected and established – but even if you’re a random insta-Domme* (*explanation at foot of post) on the internet, I dunno, a fiver is a fiver but there’s standards to be had.
Perhaps there’s something in their little silly man brain that is deluded into thinking if woman x didn’t want cash then she’d do things with him for free… or that woman x is making other women not want to do things with him…
Err, no. Nope. Nada.
If that was genuinely the case, like I say, full service sex work has been about thousands of years. Evidence of existing in 2400BC – and yet in this day and age you can still meet women who want to have sex with you “for free” (is anything ever free, though? I mean, if you go to a bar on the pull looking for a one night stand you still end up paying her drink and a taxi and aren’t guaranteed sex or “that thing you like”) and if over 4000 years of sex work hasn’t caused all sex to carry a transaction then a few hundred years of Domination and a couple of decades of online Findomme isn’t going to change it either.
So, within some of this shaming, there’s a lot of entitlement.
If we use our prowlers who are after the newbies, the entitlement is in that this newbie will be available for them to, well, bother.
Or, if someone is after something/someone specific then the entitlement is “I want you… and you would want me to if you didn’t have a fee”
So, like I say – either the men are that stupid that they would get what they want if some women didn’t expect compensation.
Or – the men know full well they wouldn’t and just don’t want women to receive payment…. hmm…
Perhaps some will hide behind a lie of “wanting to protect vulnerable men from financial exploitation” – see, I could get behind that – but let’s take my Sportswear example above, this is like saying ALL sportswear is bad because SOME comes from companies which are exploitative.
Nope. If that was genuine, they would call out negative behaviours/attitudes rather than the industry on the whole – and why are they only concerned about women exploiting men, why not speak out about men exploiting women ?
Now. I admit.
I also find some of the Insta-Dommes a tad annoying.
But, only a tad because a lot of them don’t last very long – they come – make a bit shout about selling photos, socks, skype sessions, whatever or seeing what they can get with minimum work/understanding – don’t get it and then disappear. Problem solved.
Funnily enough… my choice of wording was very deliberate in the sense of many guys who come, make a bit shout about wanting photos sent to them, wanting to chat on sykpe, whatever and seeing what they can get – for free… there was even one guy who was “I am a poor student, any women got any shoes they don’t want for free/cheap” errr… one of the big differences though, they don’t take a hint – they keep bumping their posts or, well, bawing about “all women want money” they don’t go away, they don’t up their game, they just linger like a bad smell.
Of course, finding someone is never easy and it can be frustrating – but I often feel that it is as hard, if not harder, for women looking then men.
If you’re looking for online dating, use an online dating site – OKCupid is fairly kink friendly but of course online dating involves dipping hands in pockets. Getting to know people via community websites like Fetlife is helpful but being able to put a name and face together is always helpful.
I do have a future blog idea on why “going to munches isn’t always the best idea” (and certainly isn’t for everyone) – but certainly, going along, meeting people, interacting with others on your community can enrich your approach even if it doesn’t lead to relationships or play.
There’s lots of people I feel better from knowing despite having not played with.
If your position is “I can’t find women who are into the lifestyle and don’t require tribute” then you are looking in the wrong places.
Try, you know, going where people are….
Of course these are not hook-up joints or anything like that – but – ha, hello, people into the lifestyle.
Something I’ve also said in the past and will repeat for always – is that just because someone offers any form of professional service does not mean that they’re not into the lifestyle, the fetish, or anything like that.
They most likely ARE.
Sure, some of the Insta-Dommes, maybe not – but they tend not to last very long due to, well, not being into the lifestyle – and if they’re not into the lifestyle than tribute or no tribute they’re not for you anyway, so it doesn’t matter.
And I think that’s the bit which ties this down and invalidates so many arguments.
If someone is “not really into it” then it doesn’t matter if they require tribute or not, they’re not for you.
If of course you are aware of someone because they are a Pro, then, if they suddenly decided to retire for whatever reason then the priority on any future play or relationships will be on those who were already in regular play rather than, well, some random.
I can’t remember whose website it was but She had a FAQ and the answer to the question “Can I be your personal slave?” was, “I’m not taking on at the minute and if I was priority would be given to those who already serve Me”
So you wouldn’t get a look in there either.
I think the issue is – and this is where you’ve got to question yourself – that, if you are a submissive guy – what is your issue with a Dominant woman being able to make an income?
There’s nothing anywhere that at any point suggests that you HAVE to pay someone any form of tribute or financially contribute to their lifestyle – but this is surely filed under “your kink is not my kink but that’s OK” (mind, that’s one of the biggest lies in the lifestyle but maybe I’ll blog on that another day)
But, I think this is the problem the two general pathways of if you want play are :
Build relationships, which take time and effort
Pay a Pro, which involves payment
The problem is the expectancy without effort or payment. And somehow, rather than it being the “fault” of the person with the sense of entitlement, a scapegoat is sought instead.
It’s easy to blame someone for your lax attitude.
Of course, the problem is – when you start mouthing about “every woman wanting payment” – those who do not can often feel put off by you, because you’ve already demonstrated submission is on your terms only.
Your negativity is taking you further away from where you want to be.
(*Insta-Domme : usually someone not really into the lifestyle who possibly thinks it’s “easy money”. They’ll usually attempt to sell something like used socks, pic sets, skype calls, etc. with little overall regard to their general building of an online presence. This can be on twitter, fetlife, instagram, tumblr, anywhere else – but they’ll have been unlikely to have had an account for more than 5 minutes before spamming up everywhere touting for business. Fortunately/unfortunately most people just see straight through it so because their only real interest was easy money, which they don’t get, they disappear just as quickly knowing they’re wasting time.
Mind. Of course everyone has to start somewhere and lots of Mistresses/Professionals/etc take different routes but you can sharp tell the differences between someone into the lifestyle and into the fetish than those who are just after a few quid. I feel I’ve been a bit harsh on them in this post, but, then again… tying in with my overall point, I don’t have to pay them and thus, don’t)