I was reading yet-another bitching-about-Findom thread the other day.
It’s kinda sobering the lack of self awareness some of these guys have.
It has happened, but it’s very rare I get cold contacted by a Findom – and – I’ll usually be polite unless she fails to take the, well, hint, that handing over money to someone random is most certainly not my kink.
For me it would set off bells someone coming in looking for money anyway – although I am certainly not one of those people who feel that Dominants/women shouldn’t make the first move.
(Mind, I appreciate it is a weird scenario if there’s someone you want to do something with – but it doesn’t feel right to be “Hey, I’d love to play with you sometime – book a session…”)
One thing I’ve noticed, with Findom. There’s a lot who really don’t get it – and – there’s no tap of easy money. But, what kind of happens is they either learn and improve, accept their level or disappear.
What does that have to do with guys and self awareness?
Easy. There’s plenty of guys clearly unhappy with what they ‘get’.
The options exist the same – learn and improve. Accept your level. Or disappear.
There’s no real supply of easy kink.
But the more effort you put in, the more you will get out.
I’ve said this shit so many times. Go to munches, go to events, make friends, make a good impression, work on relationships.
There’s no surefire formula, but if things aren’t working – seek to improve.
Scam or Transaction?
Of course, there’s often concerns with Findom and scammers (although I’m not sure how sending money to someone and expecting nothing in return can be a scam. But still.) I think people get confused in their terms and maybe someone is coming in their inbox and it’s a bit “if you send me £20, I’ll come on Skype for 30 minutes” (or whatever).
That’s a transaction. Of course, you should approach with caution if you can’t verify the person – and if you want to go on cam with someone on paid times there are a number of platforms where users have been verified by the site.
Asking people for verification photos or videos might seem like a reasonable request. But, many sites require the user to verify anyway. Also, some have found this doesn’t lead to a booking – just means for the person to get ‘freebies’.
But. It’s amazing how many guys have such blank and empty profiles. No (clear) picture and minimal information – how does anyone know you are who you say YOU are?
It’s unreasonable to ask someone else to show their hand when you’re not willing to show your own.
I can understand reasons to have privacy – but – certainly, this is something you have to respect in others.
“But these women call people pigs and losers and I’m not a pig or loser”
They’ve come in assuming a role, which is off-putting for sure.
And now guys, now you know how women feel when you creep in their inboxes assuming a role as their Dominant/sub/friend.
Speaking of coming into inboxes…
At the top I mentioned being polite unless my soft ‘no’ cannot be taken. Again, there’s plenty of guys who bitch that their messages are ignored or responded to rudely or whatever – but guys tend to do exactly the same with messages they don’t want.
“But they’re not really into it”
Yeah – and this will be their undoing when they don’t satisfy the guys who are into it.
But, again – there’s a lot of guys not really into the reality involved in submission or slavery or whatever they’re claiming to be into.
This is probably a longer post for another day.
But, we can kinda see some are not really into it, so they don’t interest us.
Same can be said for us guys – we can call ourselves subs or slaves but then people take one look at other things we’ve said or done and it goes against that.
Incidentally, I seldom refer to myself as either. I often hide behind switch. Or did once say I was a bottom with submissive tendancies.
“You can’t go on to a forum without every other post be selling sock or pictures”
Aye – and the other posts being guys expecting kink to fall on their lap or some form of stealth classified (Is anyone into… I’d love to meet a woman into it).
“They prey on weak/vulnerable/desperate guys”
While I do appreciate your concern – why do you not call out the guys who prey on weak/vulnerable/desperate women?
The guys who play the numbers game hoping one will bite, or taking a little bit too much interest in newbies (either online or at events).
Why do you make sweeping statements about something you don’t understand, rather than calling out specific bad habits?
It makes it look like you’re attacking women rather than raising concerns and this in turn reflects badly.
I see a lot of women call out bad behaviour from everyone. Yet men seem to reply with a “not all men!” vibe when it’s men being called out.
So yes, there is bad behaviour which should be called out – but it’s more helpful to actually be consistent. It then looks like you give a shit and are not just bitter.
Bitter and Cheap
As well as seeming bitter, it can also come across as being cheap. I know we’ve all different backgrounds – but I guess it’s often someone looking for a relationship or D/s relationship in whatever format and, well, we buy our partners gifts, no? When we take people on dates we try to treat them to give a good impression? It doesn’t always have to be expensive but certainly thoughtful.
So, often being outspokenly negative can create an impression you don’t want to give.
Things we can all learn
As I say. There’s things we can learn. Every bad habit that Findoms may be perceived to do, there’s a mirrored bad habit that guys may be pereceived to do.
When we have a guy who is new and doesn’t fully get BDSM we’re told they “just need help and guidance” but yet we don’t always extend the same to Findoms.
Ultimately though, I don’t know why they bother some guys. Findom isn’t my thing, so, I don’t pay em…. not hard.
Spend more time making yourself more desirable to those you want interested, rather than bitching about those you don’t.