Is submission truly selfless?
Something that I had struggled with in the past was around whether or not my actions were “selfless”.
Part of this stemmed from a moment a while ago when two Ladies were discussing guys in general and as I pottered around tidying up, one said “They’re not selfless, not like this one”.
What should have been a compliment, actually led me to have a lot of thinking. I didn’t see myself as being selfless. I want to be useful so that people will keep me around.
Anyway. This led me to questioning myself for a while on if I was indeed “genuine” or a “good sub”.
Nowadays, I’m a lot more accepting. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that people are happy with my contributions.
There’s a lot I’ve thought about over the time since then – and even recently read some new enlightenment which I will touch on shortly.
So, from my perspective – it doesn’t matter.
But, I want this thing…
I saw some guy write a note on Fetlife recently who’d said he’d been struggling because he wanted to try bondage and saw this as being his wants as it doesn’t really ‘serve’ his Dominant.
In his case, she pointed out she would enjoy having him in bondage – so that helped with his headspace.
But I’d even add in.
Subs are allowed wants and desires. Just because you wish to serve, make a Dominant happy, put others first… doesn’t mean you put yourself nowhere in this equation.
It is OK to want *something* back no matter how submissive you are or claim to be. Because if there’s no overall satisfaction then why are you doing this?
If the joy is in the serving, then you’re still getting joy from serving.
The joy of serving
I’d been struggling to put things into words, so I hate to do a lift from WikiPedia – but…
“The theory of psychological egoism suggests that no act of sharing, helping or sacrificing can be described as truly altruistic, as the actor may receive an intrinsic reward in the form of personal gratification. The validity of this argument depends on whether intrinsic rewards qualify as “benefits”.”
But, there had been another guy which had put a lot of this thinking back in my mind. Someone who claimed to be altruistic.
Claiming to be selfless defeats the point
He gave a list of generic examples (giving a vehicle access to a road when you have right of way, letting someone with less shopping go ahead of you in the queue) and things he’d specifically done (he’d been doing laundry for a lady he’d never met) or offered (a place to stay, free of cost, for a lady who’d been travelling around the country meeting subs).
And, I found that the more he claimed to be altruistic, the less I believed him.
The majority of us probably do some form of daily ‘good deed’ we’d not even dream of documenting to claim we were a good person. Most is probably subconscious.
Most of us probably are on the receiving end most days and we don’t even clock it.
Either way gives us a short burst of feel good then it’s forgot about.
Most of us also probably miss loads of opportunities throughout the day we don’t think of.
I think unless you wilfully think “this person needs help, I could help, but I’m not going to and/or I’m actually going to laugh at their need for help”, which would make you a rotten person, then it’s just standard decency.
I appreciate I sometimes have fairly harsh views. Random acts of kindness are good, but everyone does them. They’re the default. If we looked at an example of someone who never holds a door open, who never takes time to help others, we’d think they were spiteful or selfish.
And this takes me on to something I referenced above regarding “my new enlightenment.”
You aren’t who you think…
Here’s a little secret. We have our own little stories of what we are like. We probably have a narrative of what we think we’re like. For some of us this could come down to our own self-confidence. But, I think we all think we are good people. After that it could vary into a mixture of positives and negatives.
So, some of us could think we are selfless. Some of us could think we are not.
But, this is the bit which could rock your mind if you don’t already know it.
Every single other person on this planet draws their own picture of you.
This can be based on their experiences with you, online and in real life. It can be based on things others have said about you.
It can be based on 5 minutes or 5 years.
Now, I can get very sidetracked here, perhaps this is a topic for its own blog.
But, if you write “I’m sure I would be a good sub if I had chance to prove myself” then it’s clear you yourself feel you would be a good submissive for someone. But what others think is “Here’s another one”, or “How, how would you be a good sub? Give us something to go off” but every time someone actually asks that question it ends up in a circular argument. Some may even feel you are acting entitled, that you have said you would be good and deserve a chance just because you said so on the internet.
There are far other flawed examples.
You don’t get to decide
But, to the point in hand.
What I would harshly say is…
You don’t get to decide if you are altruistic, selfless, a “gentleman” or not.
This is the type of things others really get to decide based on their interactions and experience with you.
So. In my personal example – the person felt, based on her experiences with me, that I was selfless.
And while I have my own doubts. Like, look… sometimes people might call us kind, attractive, whatever and we not believe it – but if someone else feels that way about us then at least accept they think good of us.
I think, however, if you go around stating you are selfless – potentially with a list of examples – then this kind of takes the shine from the ‘good’ you have done and makes it look like you’re either fishing for praise or after something else.
Even if you believe this not to be true about yourself – see the above on perceptions.
The best way to prove you are selfless, if you believe you are, is to be selfless.
This isn’t putting yourself last but putting other first.
And, it’s possible, as I have, to start over thinking and snowballing as of if you are really selfless because perhaps you feel you have an agenda (“If I’m useful she will keep me around”) or have your own interests you want to try (i.e. the above guy and bondage) or if there is something you could do more (humans, right, us lot. We could ALWAYS do better – but it’s important to not beat yourself up about it, but “looking where you can improve” is still a good trait).
There are those whom might believe themselves to be submissive who, well… “I’m a sub so want you to do all my fetishes to me” and a whole other story and web of examples of entitlement.
Those who offer “free massages” or “I’m happy to be your toilet for the day” or whatever – at best ‘misguided’ and at worst selfish and entitled. But just being “better” than their standards doesn’t make you “better”.
So, in conclusion from my thoughts.
Is submission selfless?
It’s down to perception. If others believe you to be selfless, then accept that it is.
If others don’t believe this, but you all have a good time anyway, then it doesn’t really matter.
But, if you have to protest that you are selfless, you probably aren’t.