You’re scrolling through Twitter or Fetlife or wherever and see photos or mention of someone that makes you go “ooh”.
Perhaps this could be a picture or clip of someone you’ve found attractive or maybe something they’ve said that reasons with your mind.

There’s a little part of your brain spikes up and goes “I simply have to meet this person”.

Of course in a lot of cases a lot of initial horniness takes over – and is where we get a lot of the stupid from – but again to cut this quicker you’re a rational person and can manage to type with hands above the keyboard and begin to type an application to serve or book a session.

Which, um, is still some of the horniness taking over.

In some of these steps  that follow are things to consider to help increase the chances of the person being right for you on whatever basis.

The purpose of this blog serves for an almost pre-contact vetting.  I may continue this series for almost ongoing vetting.

1) Being attractive isn’t enough

Seeing someone and finding them attractive is not vetting.
It might be a good starting point. But, finding their contact details and being “Dear Mistress, you are beautiful (she knows, she owns a mirror) can I book a session?” isn’t going to get very far.
But, let’s just even say, you send an almost perfect email – that you saw her on social media, would like to book a session, sharing your interests, having dates/times in mind and a deposit ready…
Her location might not be workable.  She might not be enthusiastic but “needs work” so takes the session and you don’t get the best experience. She may be a dangerous player. There’s also a risk she might not be experienced in some activities, but tries anyway. Or it maybe it was a catfish and you’ve just lost your deposit. Ahh.

At some point I may well do a blog on dangerous play – but that’s a mine in itself.

Of course I appreciate the idea of spending time with someone you find attractive.  But this alone doesn’t guarantee you the best of times.

the red queen 2166525 1920 300x200 - Finding the right Dominant for you : some vetting tips.

of course, be cautious – a Lady looking like this is impressive : but this is a royalty free public domain picture….

2) Do interests match?

A friend of mine had a good analogy. That we see someone and have a circle of interests we might wish to do with them and they may have a circle of interests of what they wish to do with us. Providing there’s an overlap – you can look in there.

So, if something you really want to do is in her limits or isn’t something she offers, then she may not be for you.

But equally, everyone has some thing or things they’re especially enthusiastic about.

So, you may get a better CP session from a CP enthusiast vs someone who just offers it.
There’s some really enthusiastic about hardsports and again, you’re more likely to get a better and healthier load from them.
Worshipping the feet of someone who looks bored is nowhere near the excitement of someone who enjoys it, or enjoys you enjoying it.

A list of “services I offer” on a website can be a helpful start, but general research to see what she’s most enthusiastic about can tell you where the real overlap is.

3) Can you verify her?

When some people think of verification, they think of little videos with today’s date and a sign – and to me, these aren’t useful for the exercise.
If she films, perhaps you can buy a clip to see if you enjoy her style or that it looks like she knows what she’s doing.
Is she friends with someone else you know is trustworthy (and can you see they’re friends and not just piggybacking).

Can you see the sort of events that she goes to? Although this can be a touch difficult on privacy and that some people do not like the public scene.  But, it adds to the pieces.

It’s often easier to verify people because of ongoing content – if someone is stealing someone else’s, they’re going to struggle to keep up the theft.

aaeaaqaaaaaaaaluaaaajddmoduzmji2ltu0ymitndk1my05ntdklwy0yjblm2vmymzmzq 300x161 - Finding the right Dominant for you : some vetting tips.4) How much is this going to cost?

I believe in the freedom to set tributes, but there’s often a lot of fluctuation.

More expensive does not necessarily mean better – but sometimes those who are cheaper aren’t cheap for the right reasons.

If you really like somebody it shouldn’t matter if their tribute is £100, £150, £200 or more per hour.

But a lot here depends on whether you wish to see her for a one-off, scope for something regular, or whatever.

A lot could also depend on whether you are someone who does-the-rounds so to speak.

But also add in travel costs, hotel costs if needed, cost of a gift if you wish to arrive with one, sustenance, time off work.

And this can provoke difficult decisions.

If you wish to see someone monthly, but your budget allows for one visit every three months – then you need to either be flexible on your frequency, find ways to boost your disposable income, or consider if this would impact growth in a relationship.

Of course, here we are talking about approaching someone for a first time – but if you have a long term goal that already can’t be accommodated, it will end in disappointment.

5) Will personalities match?

I saw an interesting post from a Lady the other day who said she uses Twitter so wouldbe clients can see her personality to see if they could get on. Partially without the need for a “I just want to get to know you” push in DMs. (Which is dishonest anyway).
But, if you follow those who interest you on social media – what sort of language do they use?
If someone is like “all subs are beta cuck losers” all the time, that may or may not be for you.
There’s a lot of different languages, see how people enthuse about what they love and what they talk about. Some people prefer different styles but you can often tell how warm or cold the session could be.
If you’re interested but unsure then I still often recommend arranging some form of paid chat. Among anything else, it shows you’re serious.

6) If something is too good to be true… it usually is

The amount of things I’ve seen unfold over the past few years has been staggering.    I will go through some examples.

  • The catfish who was offering sessions effectively for a £20 gift card “to prove the sub was genuine” – and then it was an otherwise free session.   I still don’t believe any guys actually even paid this £20 as it was some of the, shall we say, “usual suspects” complaining about this.  But regardless, these sessions never materialised.
  • Someone I’m watching with scepticism is claiming to be doing free sessions – although effectively on her terms.  This seemed fine at first – a kind of hedonistic “I want to go out and have fun with guys, but put some effort in”.  But now selections seem to be based on raffles or chance.  And there are no pictures and no “was so nice to meet you.” not one.  I imagine this will not end well.
  • Of course the “you don’t look like you do in the pictures” trope.
  • But contradicting the above, there are those I know or have met that do, effectively, offer “free sessions”.  The “catch” there is that you have to be of interest – so this all goes down to improving your own understanding of BDSM so you know what you can “offer” in order to be “of interest”.
  • But certainly in all of the above there’s also the question of “knowing the difference” which ties in to a lot of the above.   As well as avoiding being scammed being quite important – I also want people to avoid bad experiences.
Further Reading

Although this post isn’t really about scammers.  I did do a post about scams in the past.  You can read it here.


vetting tips - Finding the right Dominant for you : some vetting tips.
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Finding the right Dominant for you : some vetting tips.
Finding a Dominant or Mistress can be difficult. However, if you've seen someone who interests you these BDSM vetting tips may help.