Submission isn’t always black and white

One of the first and most important rules in submission is that ‘the rules’ are defined by your relationship and dynamic.

Sometimes the answer “is this normal?” is, “yes” and “does it matter anyway, if it works for you?”.

Of course, sometimes this can be easier if you are in a relationship and exploring, working out what does and doesn’t work for you.

But this can sometimes be trickier if you’re seeking a relationship or are constantly facing challenges or things not being quite right.

Like a lot of my posts, I apologise this is largely male-sub, but it may be that there are others who can relate, or of course helping Dominants to understand sub challenges, which in some case understanding is knowing that you’re not compatible.

So. Some things to consider.


Sub, slave, bottom, masochist, kinkster, role-player, so forth.
I’ve seen “you are not a sub, you’re a bottom” used as both an insult and as guidance.
Of course, approaching someone and saying “I am a sub, do all my fetishes for me” – is rarely going to get you anywhere.
However, if your interest is only in acting out a few fetishes and fantasies then I’m hoping this post will help you realise this and help your approach.

I point to this a few times, but I rarely describe myself as a sub or slave. I’m not going to talk through some of these roles just yet. I’m just trying to start by suggesting to let go of words you might cling onto that might not be you.


Maybe ‘perfect’ is too specific. But, ideal. Are we talking about a standard vanilla romantic relationship, but every so often your partner dresses up and ‘takes control’ in the bedroom.
Is it a romantic relationship, but they are clearly the Dominant. Perhaps often subtle signs of Dominance daily, as well as any appropriate ‘play’.
Is it not a romantic relationship, but someone you meet with for ‘play’ or ‘servitude’ or whatever. Either regularly, ad hoc, or when it suits you both.

I’ve put words like ‘takes control’, ‘play’ and ‘servitude’ in quote marks, because again what do these words mean to you?

“I want someone who takes control in the bedroom” – that could mean just being on top for sex.
Or, do you want a basic kit of restraints and blindfolds, maybe a bit mild flogging.
Could it be you want a ruined orgasm, then they disappear to bring in someone else to fuck in front of you
Or, is your bedroom actually a dungeon and ‘take control’ is whipping you til you bleed?
Is it, actually any of those depending on the mood? But don’t answer that as default.


So, you’ve got your starting dream. There’ll possibly be a few hints of fantasy in there – that’s fine.
But some will be unrealistic.
We’ve all had unrealistic fantasies, that’s OK. But when you start writing them in profiles or in messages to people it makes you look like a timewaster, an idiot, or someone who clearly does not understand BDSM.

A question is of course “what is unrealistic?”.
Some examples
– you can’t live off a diet of scraps, dog food, semen or human waste
– long term confinement will cause your muscles to atrophy, decreasing your usefulness
– If you are at work all day expecting to get home to a leather/latex/pvc clad Dominant, this is a demand on them
– whilst we all imagine relationships will last forever, a good one will have a way out if needed.
– anything damaging to your health is damaging to your work which is damaging to your ability to make money which is damaging to your ability to pay your way.
– Dominant providing food/board/lodgings and you just coming out to give a foot rub or doing a couple of dishes is not a good economic model.
– ideas that seem hot in your head, might not be in reality
– ultimately, relationships should be mutually beneficial : it’s important that your ‘wants’ are what you really want and not what you think the Dominant wishes to hear and that your ‘wants’ also don’t put too much expectancy on the Dominant.

Once you start to remove the unrealistic elements, it starts to shape a clearer picture.


A common problem is guys that handover checklists of kinks they’d like to do and almost expect a fetish dispenser.

Originally I called this a ticklist logic, but I see this more as a mirror.

The jilted logic is a little bit like “I like being caned, therefore I would be a perfect match for someone who likes to cane”
or, very common
“I have a foot fetish, therefore I would be perfect for almost any woman because who wouldn’t want this?” – hey, you’d be surprised.

An assumption that on whatever the guys would like, there’s an opposite in what Women are looking for.

It’s true that there are Dominants who like these and many other activities, but this logic is somewhat lacking.

Let us simplify this into vanilla terms.
I like sex. I’m sure there are other people also like sex. But there has to be a reason we want sex with each other.
That reason could be attraction. A lot could be in the attitudes to sex. Sometimes not so much the attraction but a “fun thing with friends”.

“I am looking for someone who is happy to do this with a stranger” does work to a degree in sex, but less so in kink because of the extra risks involved.


“Whatever Mistress/Sir wants”, “I’d do anything”, “Looking for a person who will do my fetish with me”

These are all lowest common denominator sweeps. And they don’t work. You’re pretty much saying you’re desperate and/or leading with fetish.

It can be true that in SOME relationships that you are required to do whatever your Dominant wants/needs – however, even then it would still be in consideration of your limits.

But really what this does is state that the person is not as important as your fetish.
That your so desperate for kink that anyone will do.


I saw something the other day which was such cringe that I came back to this (frankly old) draft (it’s been kicking around a while) to add it in.
It was on the subject of trampling and the guy just wrote something like “I offer myself to be trampled by Goddess. Will I be OK? Maybe she will crush me? But I have no choice.”

It almost sounds like a rewrite of a clip description “the slave has no choice but the be trampled by the Mistress for Her desires” etc.

Writing like this demonstrates a lack of understanding in D/s so is going to struggle a bit.


The next few questions are very important and open up so many different wormholes.

So question one, is there romance or not?

It of course may be that a relationship not intended to be romantic becomes it, but, by romantic I mean for example is this ideal person a kinky partner or is the relationship purely D/s?
Remember, seeking a Dominant and then being disappointed they don’t offer romance means you weren’t being honest to your own aspirations.


It may be you already have a romantic partner and are looking for a Dominant. Which is a form of poly.
Perhaps you are looking for a Dominant and don’t mind if they have other subs, or a romantic partner.
Perhaps you wish to be exclusive to them, perhaps you wish them to be exclusive to you.
Or, perhaps you don’t.
Like many questions it is important to be honest to yourself. Someone who has multiple subs means you may only get a share of their time, but that might be fine for your needs.


If purely D/s then how often are you meeting to serve or play? What does your relationship look like when you’re not together?
Your aspirations may be a live in slave, but very few people are willing/able to offer this and even if they did this is not going to be offered to a stranger.
If romantic based then is this just a normal relationship with the occasional bit kinky sex? Or is there some form of structure?


There’s nothing wrong with just wanting the odd bit kinky sex. Y’know every few weeks being tied up and blindfolded or something.
But, if you go around telling people you are a sub/slave then… they may have a different definition to you.

A lot of people are only really interested in the ‘play’ side of things and that is fine. In some cases it might be on their terms, in other cases possibly less so.

Maybe, what you want is a little role play that every now and then you and/or your partner dress up and do some form of activity – but your relationship is otherwise “normal”.

Maybe your relationship is a up again from that and that you don’t see it as dressing up and role-play but as part of who you are… even if that’s not a way you can live all the time.

Or maybe it is full time but subtle.

Maybe there’s other things you do when needed to help with serving.

Maybe your Dominant chooses everything from what you wear, to what you eat, to how much ‘allowance’ you have for your own purchases.

There’s so many variations.


I appreciate these above questions are quite difficult particularly if you are new and your views may be changeable.

You might be after a kinky romance but meet someone vanilla who you have an awesome romantic relationship with, but isn’t interested in kink – but – is happy for you to also have a Dominant.

You might be dead against ‘sharing’ somebody but then find that actually this arrangement means that you can see how other people come together to improve their life and then find ways where this can work for you.

Of course, you might just want a little bit kinky sex but then find there’s more to this than you thought.

A lot can be daunting. So, I will also add that you don’t need the exact answers to all the questions, but having some form of idea helps.