I’m not sure if this is one for a ‘Back to Basics’ article – or – an opinion piece in it’s own right. Maybe a bit of both.
Anyway, I was on a website the other day and there was a guy hoping to find a Mistress* and was seeking advice on improving his profile to make him more appealing.
(*mind, this blog is going to be a bit more than F/m D/s)
Like many things, I feel there’s no correct solution. There are, however, lots of things that are wrong or disadvantage you.
Also, of course, I feel the best profile in the world isn’t a magnet to finding your perfect partner. But, it is a facet of you.
Pretty much the very first thing to set up is also one of the most important. Obviously caution should be considered with anything that makes you overly identifiable (if that matters) but avoid anything that makes you sound desperate (please_own_me_now123) or narrow in interest (footslut23) you are more than your fetish!
This doesn’t need to be as difficult as it seems, but I can appreciate it can be daunting particularly if you are nervous about showing your face (and don’t own a suitable mask…)
There does seem to be a temptation within men to go straight for the groin (“It is a sex/fetish website after all” becomes the defence) and… well… when you inevitably start messaging people, you are effectively forcing them to see your dick. You are sending unsolicited dick pics. Before you start harping on about double standards and how it would be OK for women – then, at best, this is divisive so you already alienate a bunch of people.
Torso pictures are better, but – still… lazy.
Otherwise, there are so many options. You may well be able to find some form of image or cartoon which speaks to you or which you’re happy to be associated with.
But, for the love of fuck – if someone is pictured, make sure it’s you. No stolen pictures “that you like” from the internet.
In terms of minimum length, just long enough to be happy with what you’re saying. Many of these I will come to in other points.
In terms of maximum length. A Mistress I like has a saying, “Make it short and make it count”, another requests that emails are maximum of 200 words.
I think you’ve got a little bit more flexibility than that – but remember the longer it is the more people it will put off.
If you feel a longer profile does you more justice, consider sections or sub headings to break up the reading experience. For example, my Fetlife profile contains an intro, a section on interests, a little bit about filming and a section on what I like in vanilla life.
TELL US WHO YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU WANT
I think there’s a world of difference between an “about me” and a “looking for” and your profile should be about you and who you are… and not in what you seek from others.
Of course, I don’t think there’s harm in a ‘Looking For’ section.
Example, bad profile.
“I am a sub/Dom and seeking a Dom/sub into…”
BUT I’M NEW, I HAVE NO STORY
Then why are you here?
No, this isn’t me passive. “I’m interested in the BDSM lifestyle, these are elements that appeal to me. I am submissive/Dominant/generally kinky/etc. and this is my first venture into the world of BDSM”
Mind. Don’t expect someone to hold your hand and lead you through. As soon as you join a kink site, you’ve resources on your fingertips.
THIS IS A SCENE BUILT ON TRUST
So, be honest. Lying about experience to try to sound more appealing will end badly for you. Incidentally, the most common reason for someone not to get a second date is by being dishonest.
REMEMBER ‘REAL LIFE’
I guess, of course, unless you are only looking for an online relationship.
But as above, this is just a facet. If you want to meet kinky people the best way is to go where kinky people are.
Equally, being someone who does ‘something’ is always more appealing than coming across like someone sat permanently on the internet waiting for something to drop on their lap.
VANILLA INTERESTS ARE OK TO LIST
But obviously I appreciate the worry about ‘outing’ yourself. But it does make icebreaker conversations easier.
DOES YOUR FETISH LIST REALLY NEED TO BE THAT LONG?
I mean does it? Especially when they’re all the same fetish worded differently.
AVOID PASSIVE OR DIRECT DIGS
There can seen to be a double standard here. A Lady asking for gents 25-35 seems fine. Or asking for “those willing to meet”. Yet men doing “No Findoms. I’m not going to pay you blah” often sounds tight rather than filtering.
You could word that better with a “I’m not looking for online play, but real meets”
And of course, avoid implying that you are better than “other” subs/Doms/people.
AVOID SOUNDING LIKE YOUR MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR SHORTFALLS
Every ‘excuse’ as such has it’s own counterargument. “I’d go to a munch but I don’t have time” – well, how are you going to get time to meet someone for a date? “I’d do this but I’m too nervous” and yet you feel confident enough for BDSM play?
Also avoid anything about how nobody will give you a chance or that everyone is a clique or so on.
OTHER THINGS TO AVOID
The list is endless but key mistakes people make
– sounding like you’re too good to be on the site
– “I never really know what to write in these things” (makes you sound like it’s still taboo and you’re not into this – so, here through desperation)
– “I’ve just come out of a long term (or vanilla) relationship” (makes you sound like you’re on the rebound)
– Or any completely meaningless or empty phrase like…
“I’m just me”
“What you see is what you get”
“I live life to the fullest”
“I’m looking for someone to make me their slave and do whatever they want” or it’s flip “I’m looking for a sub to do whatever I want”
“I don’t bite unless you ask”
“I’m looking for likeminded individuals”
and of course – copying from other people’s profiles.
That fucking BDSM quiz
SO WHAT DO I WRITE?
If you keep things honest and interesting, your personality will shine through. You are interesting. I’m sure of it.
Have a look at the profiles of others – what makes you feel they’re interesting or not?
This is only as hard as you make it. But, if you can’t talk about yourself when it’s within your control – you’ll struggle outside of it.