My thoughts on Fantasy v Reality take a little bit of a twist today.

See, I had intended on following up my, more lighthearted, post – with something more serious about some of my struggles.

But, instead I decided on another angle.

For this I need to give you an anecdote of something that happened 2 years ago.

Grab a chair and get comfy

I was around a week away from what would be my second session with a Pro Domme. It was the same Lady as my first session, but, we’d had a lot of fun and wanted to do it again – and – some things we’d wanted to develop a little.

I’d been in a Fetlife group – one which I’ve long since left as – well – it wasn’t as helpful as I’d hoped : and : there was a particular guy I’d often end in rows with.

There’d been some discussion on Professional Dominatrixes and this guy was outspokenly against them and effectively, said with authority; “It’s not real, they just do what you want for money”

Of course. Said person had never seen a Pro-Domme. If he’d maybe had comparable experiences and some form of authority then perhaps there might be a valid opinion in there.

But still. It did fuck a little bit with my head space and had me questioning a lot of things.

I raised some of this headfuck with the Lady I was meeting – who of course had the best thing to say; “Don’t worry about what some guy on the Internet has to say. What happens in a session is private between two people and only they can decide what is real”

Or, it was words to that effect. I’m sure I mentioned it in email but can’t find the email.

Or perhaps this was something discussed after session as she picked me off the floor and all I had to say was, “That was real”.

Things are specific to individuals

There’s a lot I can see particularly now where there are important things to consider.
Particularly in kink; relationships, desires, looking-for, fantasies, so on – are all very specific to the individuals.

I mean, I’ve used this example before – but – if you’re happy with your partner and every now and then you dress up for a bit role play. One of you probably isn’t really a teacher and the other isn’t really a naughty student : but this seems acceptable whereas going through a motion in a session seems to not be.

Alternatively – perhaps you go out drinking one Friday night, meet somebody and end up having a one night stand. The sex was certainly real, the attraction, the good time.
So, again that’s not really any different to say a one-off session or something.

But, regardless of whether you agree with my examples or not.

What is real is very much only known by those involved and can vary wildly from what you’ve had engrained in you.

Some things aren’t for you – whether that’s online relationships, polyamory, time with any form of sex worker, casual play or whatever – but you may well find what you seek isn’t for others.

If someone is in such a relationship and is happy; why try to piss on their chips just because you are unhappy?

And for you, the reader, who has or is considering some kind of non-conventional relationship and you’re questioning if it’s real.
Does it feel real to you?

Well, then… it’s real.


Of course, there are times when this does become a problem and that’s largely when down to a mismatch of interests.

I’m going to use a couple more anecdotes from things I’ve seen this week alone.

There was a thread “is it possible to find a real online slave?”.   The guy had been quite frustrated because he had been talking with people, mostly other men by the sounds of things, who’d said they were slaves, up for anything, so on.  But fell on a first ask.  Obviously this is a common problem.  But it wasn’t just them who were communicating poorly in this case.

He’d ended up chatting with guys who were jumping on cam pretty much around when their wife was out or in bed.  What they were hoping would be to told to place dildos up their bum – but instead they were told to dress up in their wives clothing.

Of course we could say “real” slaves should… or “real” Dominants should…

But the truth of the matter his definition of “real” would be to do as he says, serving his fantasies which happened to differ from the fantasies of those who he was speaking to.

Let’s be honest – if the next person he spoke to happened to have that exact same fetish then he might suddenly call this “real” – when it’s not really any different.   Had the subs found a Dominant who was happy to tell them to shove things up their bum then it’d be “real” to them.

Whether any of us outside this relationship deems this to be “real” nor not; well, it doesn’t affect us.

Personally – I feel both sets here wanted an instant fix which is why they’re struggling – but, hey ho.  Maybe they’ll have better luck if  a relationship was built first.

The Pro on Fetlife

I woke up this morning and scrolled down a Fetlife feed to find somebody I’d had previous interactions with complaining there were no “real subs”, only timewasters.

Now, this is someone who I’d exchanged messages with a few weeks ago.  Whilst my personal situation has shifted sharply since then, certainly I had been looking for people locally for casual play for many reasons. So far through the conversation she proclaimed “it’ll cost ya”, when discussing that our interests did have a lot of match.  Initially taken aback, I then did feel, of course, recent Fetlife changes make it harder for people to advertise, so did ask for a cost.   For my perspective, there was then a slight mismatch because the value she placed on her time was well above a going rate.  So, I could neither afford nor justify it.

Some may point that perhaps we wouldn’t have wasted each others time had I known up front.  Though perhaps the problem here is that Fetlife changes have made many unhappy to be seen to be advertising.  Also, whatever she’d written or not on her profile – plenty of guys wouldn’t have read it, or felt it didn’t apply to them.

Perhaps the biggest mistake she had made here was trying to sell her time via Fetlife.  Certainly it lacks the promotion potential of Twitter or the clarity of a website.   Whilst I’m unlikely to be searching out Professional Services, well, due to my recent situation change, certainly if I were then it wouldn’t be via Fetlife.   Twitter has been my most common method of finding people I might like to session with, followed by a good old Google.

So. Many of the subs on Fetlife probably consider themselves to be ‘real’ – just as she does – but she’s looking in the wrong places so is going to struggle to find what she considers to be ‘real’.

Maybe it’s you who isn’t real

I’ve seen many cases where people have asked about “real subs” or “real Dominants” – and of course a lot gets blurred in this fantasy.  There are people who like to sit and talk about things and not do them and they can be frustrating for us all.  (Unless they can find someone else happy to sit and talk and not do anything). And of course, particularly guys who approach badly based on something from porn or whatever…  I do actually have a blog drafted about the guys who approach Ladies who do not work Professionally as if they did (it’s basically the same email, but without tribute : “these are my interests, when are you free”) and, yeah, there’s a lack of effort to learn beyond this.

But if you are ONLY finding people who are “not real” – are you right with your definitions? Are you looking in the right places? Is what you’re looking for actually unrealistic (all the perks of a Pro without paying)? Or so on.

If you’re not realistic with expectations then, perhaps nothing will be real.