There’s been a lot on my mind lately regarding fantasy vs reality.
While, perhaps, a deeper blog on my thought process could be one “for the future” – this blog here is more designed at some of the many pitfalls that some seem to confuse.
The list is non-exhaustive.
The Fantasy :
As a newbie sub, a “blank canvass”, I can be moulded and trained to be the ideal sub for a Mistress.
The Reality :
There’s a lot of nice soundbites in there. But, you must already have some ideas or interests. There are so many different ways a relationship could look and the approach you’ve come across is that you’re desperate for any of them.
Had you contacted a Professional that you had researched and found interesting, she may be willing to invest the time to help you achieve this (either to her or towards others) but this is not going to be a quick process and each session will carry tribute.
If she’s a non-Professional, this arrangement doesn’t actually offer them very much in the sense that they are effectively investing time and emotion into a situation that you can walk from, either, “to someone better” or because actually, this isn’t for you.
If you are this blaise over who “trains” you, I’d actually be questioning anyone who does seem interested.
The solution of course is to meet and interact with people and if you find someone you have a good rapport with whom may be able to offer you what you seek then this may be a discussion to have if mutually beneficial.
You can also file “I’ll do anything” and “Whatever Mistress wants” under this.
The Fantasy (or, potentially, myth) :
Paying a Pro is “not real”.
The Reality :
While Professionals are not a hive-mind it’s true many are service providers but very few offer activities they are unlikely to enjoy with you.
But the point of the matter is. If your relationship with a girlfriend/wife etc. involves dressing up every few weeks to act through fantasies or whatever – that’s no different.
I’ve said before that a lot of guys ideal relationship isn’t actually a full time D/s relationship but with a partner whom will occassionally go through fetishes and fantasies with. i.e. a Pro-Domme session without paying for one.
The Fantasy :
There will be women out there looking for a 24/7 relationship that I can be involved in and blah blah.
The Reality :
24/7 relationships are fairly uncommon (in the shape of things) and seriously need building up to. Your version of the fantasy will be pretty specific and generally full of holes. A lot basically translate to a scenario whereby the sub is removed from decisions and responsibilities. I mean, any form of live in situation requires food, shelter and warmth – and while there are assorted fantasies about being kept in a cage or fed only dog food, or whatever, these affect your strength and health. What use is a weak slave? What use is a slave who can’t go to work as a respectable human being to bring coin in to cover the cost of said lodgings?
The Fantasy :
I can state I’m selling socks/pictures/videos and make extra money.
The Reality :
There are many who do this, but this involves an awful lot of work. Let’s be honest, if guys were happy to have socks from a total stranger – ebay is full of them and most struggling to clear a fiver including postage. If you’re going to sell them you need to work on them wanting yours.
It’s possible you might hit lucky, but aside from a mountain of abuse (most of which will be unwarrented) you’ll be lucky to clear small change without a proper drive.
The Fantasy :
Writing “Any women in this area into this thing” will result in a hook up.
The Reality :
Even in terms of classifieds it’s the most lazy approach ever. Yes there are many women any your area into your kink. They’re neither going to comment on the thread, nor contact you because among anything else you’ve offered nothing to make them interested.
The Myth :
“All women are either 200,000 miles away or Findoms”
The Reality :
The circumference of the Earth is 24,901 miles. The two cities furthest apart are Rosario in Argentina and Xinghua in China, 12,425 miles apart. So, 200,000 miles away is a bit of an exaggeration.
Ladies who are exclusively interested in Findom should not be confused with Professional Dominatrixes (whether a service they offer or not) and it’s generally more important for either of those groups to have an online presence than the Ladies who you’ll find at the munches and parties in your local area, right under your nose.
Of course, they don’t have to be interested in you anyway.
I’m often seeing assorted excuses beyond this – that either the person is “always working” when there is a munch on (you have statuary holiday allowance if nothing else….) or that the person lives in a small town or remote area. I did actually find someone’s “small vanilla Town” and found 2 munches – and found someone else had 4 within a short drive.
Any form of desire for a relationship based on something from Porn
Porn serves usually one of two purposes. Sometimes both. One : to make money. Two : as an advert of what sort of things you could do in session – if you book one with the lady in the clip.
In exchange, as a purchaser, you get something to wank over, enjoy, or give a form of research into an individual.
The majority of clips I’ve been involved in have been authentic and certainly retrospective of the person. However, it doesn’t show all of the behind the scenes. The consent, the negotiation, the aftercare. While I have been thrown into scenes with people I’ve just met, most of my favourite scenes have been with people I’ve spent time building a rapport or relationship with.
This is something missing from Porn.
Those are the pieces you need to fill in.
People don’t just drop everything to play with strangers (or, if they do, I’d worry about their intentions).
That the kink scene is Preaching to the Perverted
It’s a good film. But is just that. In saying that, they get many things wrong – like ‘switches aren’t real’ – and – just how quick did Peter get vetted for a supposed secret club?
There are Mistresses/Ladies just sat in dungeons waiting for guys to torment or play with
I don’t know where to begin with how stupid this idea even is.
But, most Ladies have these things called lives. Also, there are better uses for time even towards kink then sitting waiting to see if anyone fancies a session.
24/7 is permanent Mistress in PVC/Leather/Latex with a whole bunch of other nonsense that makes it all a permanent playtime.
24/7 can be a lot of things. But, sitting around in fantasy wear all the time gets kind of uncomfortable. There can be a lot of subtly in 24/7 – and… I’m going to bring out a little ancedote. I once turned up at a dungeon and the Mistress made me a cup of coffee, “I never make coffee at home,” She told me.
But, Her making me a cup of coffee does not in anyway make Her any less Dominant. It doesn’t have to be “run around after my every need boy” for there to be the constant underlying Dominance – and – as important as Fetwear can be, it’s not a neccessary symbol of Dominance.
A female-led relationship (or Maledom 24/7) isn’t really ‘Preaching to the Perverted’. See above.
If I act up online or at parties, people will want to punish me
You will piss people off, yes, but the ‘punishment’ probably won’t be what you imagined. Banned, blocked, or ignored. Any form of ‘playing to be punished’ is only appropriate in an established dynamic.
I want to serve a Lady with (examples including) foot worship, using my face as her seat, being pegged, other things that are my fantasy.
Whilst all these fantasies are of course valid, the stumble here is that they are ‘serving’ or are otherwise benefical to an otherwise random person.
These are your fetishes and fantasies.
Whilst there is something I refer to that there’s a part in the guys mind of “I want to do this, therefore there’s a Lady who would enjoy doing this to me” – it overlooks the difference between doing something quite rewarding for a stranger vs someone you have a connection with.
Whilst of course, there are Ladies who enjoy guys at their feet, or enjoy tormenting via facesitting or pegging or anything else – there has to be something more to it than “helping a stranger with their fantasy”.
Whether that’s because you’ve a relationship or because she is being compensated is moot.
I offered myself as an ashtray to someone recently, She didn’t take advantage of it, because actually – She now has to be careful flicking hot ash and it is giving me time and attention, when in reality She just wanted an actual break and cigarette without play.
PS : your face is a very uncomfortable chair. And most of these are otherwise not that practical to serve her.
Slaves/Subs have no voice, should be seen and not heard, speak when spoken to etc.
It depends on your dynamic and relationship. Communication is extremely important. Granted, there may become a point in your relationship where this is your dynamic, but certainly everyone’s voice is valid.
However. There are traits that subs should tend to avoid including: Topping from the bottom (there’s a difference between “I’d like to explore this scene”, “I like it when you do this”, etc. and “I want to do this, then this, when you do this – say that, or also do that”), speaking on behalf of their Dominant, speaking over or interupting their Dominant, dictating that people should whim to their preferences.
Remember the cardinal rule : submission is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.
But certainly, more subs should talk about their experiences and feelings. Otherwise it just ends up in situations nobody is happy with – and – also, the best support groups for subs is sometimes other subs.
Dominants are mean, cold, uncaring, etc. and you have to do all they say for they are the Dominant.
The only Dominant you must obey is your own. Even then of what is asked from you, there’s always a right to say “no”. A lot is contextual. Obviously if you keep saying “no” unless you get your own way, then you’ll be less desirable. But likewise, you shouldn’t be pushed towards yeses you’re not happy with. Relationship specific.
As for Dominants are mean/cold/uncaring – I’m seeing a rise recently in people describing themselves as “caring Dominants” – what, as oppose to those who don’t care? Of course Dominants care! Or, well, the ones that don’t shouldn’t be here because you’re in charge of someone’s safety.
Of course, some people enjoy being able to be mean, or cruel, or cold, or nasty – but it doesn’t mean this is them. Equally, some people have fantasies around being treat as such.
Walking into a munch/event and walking out with a relationship
Hahahahahahaha. While I have seen people seriously hit it off, it never should be expected. These are not hook-up joints and shouldn’t be treat as such. Also, do be a little skeptical if someone does seem a little interested in jumping into something with you at your first event.
That’s it for now.
I may return with another similar post in the future – or – my own self-exploration around where I’ve been confused as of what is real and what isn’t.