I think this is now a third complete re-write on my latest mulling on submission.
There’s been a few different factors and other writings which have inspired me into this, including one I wrote 7 months ago.
I mean, my one 7 months ago – it was a ramble. It was me thinking aloud and excreting words to the screen trying to decide if and where I fit in… and concluded that actually it doesn’t matter if I’m submissive or not as long as everyone involved is happy.
I do stand by that conclusion and will probably always stand by that conclusion.
One of the amazing and great things about this scene and lifestyle is differences between people. You can be submissive to just one person, to many people, to anyone you feel like. You can be submissive 24/7 or for 2 hours every few months at a party or in exchange for tribute.
Different people’s relationships look different and you know, it’s ultimately what works for them.
Upon reflection a F/m relationship can be very different to M/f – and I’m sure lots of interesting permutations in F/f, M/m or any form of switch or multi-partner set up.
This is before we even get into things like Daddy/Mommy and littles, Owner and pet or any other off-shoot.
I’m still not sure if I’m submissive. I think last time I concluded I was submissive-ish, more of a bottom, hint of masochist, potential to be submissive.
I think, although I like to keep my musing open to things that everyone can relate to, I draw a lot from my experiences and when I talk about my experiences with submission – it is very much F/m.
I have no formal Mistress. There are a few I’ve served to different degrees and I can see clearly from there a difference between those I would like to serve again and those I would be actively disappointed if W/we did not meet again.
I feel, I’m very open to seeing how things progress.
I now feel there are certain traits, possibly some I’ve always had and some I’ve develop that feed into me being more submissive than I thought. But, a lot of these I don’t consider submission – I consider being a decent human being. I will touch on these also.
In a previous edit, I went off on an angle of some of the negative traits I see in would be submissives and I want to avoid some of that for now.
What I am going to touch on though is some of the little things that has had me thinking.
First off, aptly, “little things”. No, no, I’m not on about SPH (I’m probably a touch above average for that) and this ties in with things I don’t necessarily consider submission.
In an earlier draft, I had specific examples – but I felt by drawing attention to them, it defeated my point.
So, I’m going to instead pick on something I noticed… in what seems like a lifetime ago, I was at a filming day and two other guys there stood out to me for different reasons. One of which offered his seat up for a Mistress, offered to get drinks, helped Her carry Her bag to the car – that sort of thing. The other was noticeably… well… he was pushing for his scene to be next, he made a rude comment to one of the Mistresses, he was a bit of an arse to me.
Now, I don’t see even the former as necessarily submission, it’s just being a decent human being – you can see the difference. Of the three of us, no prizes for guessing which one hasn’t been invited to do further filming.
Now. As a side note. I dislike it when men go on about chivalry. You should hold doors open for whoever needs it, help anyone who needs help and shouldn’t expect anything for it.
“Oh, I always hold doors for women”. Well done. Have a cookie.
You should be doing it because it’s courteous, not so you can brag about it.
Of course, exceptions always apply. Any acts of kindness or submission – it’s not putting coins into a machine and waiting for something to fall out. It’s not a currency.
But, what I think here – now everyone should do this, sub, Dom, vanilla, or aspiring to be – because it’s being a decent human being.
Now. I sometimes struggle to understand why a lot of people like me so much. Now please – please – do not stroke my ego nor shatter my illusion. But, is it some daft little things like this which help? I think it could be.
So, I’m going to put this out there to any aspiring submissives. Look at random things you can do to help others – but don’t build a CV library of it. Just do it. It’ll then just come naturally and if you don’t get Dominants desperate to take you under their wing, then at the very worst it makes you a better person.
You may get noticed. But treat that as a nice bonus.
Another thing in my recent mulling was the topic of “who is really in control?” in D/s.
I liked a very quick definition which is that ultimately it is the submissive as they hand control to the Dominant but only for a set period of time.
There’s a She Wants Revenge lyric I really like “Whether it’s 2 weeks, 2 years or just tonight” : and it’s all valid.
I would also say that because the “control” is in set boundaries – is it really control?
I won’t say limits are there to be broken, but there’s some will be pushed or broken and some that will never be.
This could be dependent on the nature and level of your relationship.
So. I dunno. You could be in a D/s relationship with someone and just do, I dunno, flogging, foot worship, light bondage, whatever – and you both be happy and it be submission.
If a certain activity was in your limits but your Dominant doesn’t what to do it anyway – then there’s no issue.
But, let’s just say – watersports is your limit and your Dominant wishes to do watersports. Whilst it remains a limit, you haven’t handed control. When your relationship reaches a point where you don’t like it, you don’t want to do it – but – you will do it for your Dominant – that is surrendering control. That is submission.
And, at this point, you might be “well, I have limits – are you saying I’m not a submissive?” I’m not in dispute with you especially if you have a happy relationship with your Dominant. As in a first example if your Dominant does not wish to do this anyway then it’s no issue.
This is why I don’t call myself submissive – because I know I have some limits that Dominants would wish me not to have. I feel, however, in some cases some limits could be broken if our relationships went far enough.
They’ll still remain limits, but maybe less so with the right person.
On one of the forums I quit on Fetlife, a common thread was “is it really submission if it’s just the things the submissive likes”? I think the answer to that lies in the relationship. What if the Dominant has no desires to do something the submissive does not like? They can have the control, do what they want as they want to do it.
I’m happy enough. I’m happy enough I can meet amazing people for play and it doesn’t matter if I or they think I’m submissive or not.
If they do, I might, well – you know when someone gives you a compliment and you’re flattered but don’t quite believe it? Well, that’s how I may feel – but are W/we happy? Do W/we want to do this again? Do W/we want to maintain some form of relationship depending on what that looks like? Then fine. Labels do not matter. We’re good.
Incidentally. I think a good relationship would have a little bit of control from both parties. I think very few D/s relationships reach TPE or the likes which is when the Dominant is truly in control. I think any Dominant who think They are control or any submissives who thinks they’ve surrendered control… I think it’s an illusion. The submissive has set boundaries and can safeword any time. The Dominant will also have boundaries and can also stop at any time – but the control the Dominant has is limited to what has been given.
Not, of course, that there’s anything wrong with the illusion. I’ve seen people sneer about “role players” because it’s people who just play a couple of hours now and then rather than be in a full 24/7 relationship. No. I don’t see this as a bad thing at all. At the end of the day, it’s whatever makes you tick. Whatever works for you. I said at the start… it’s all valid.
Of course one person who is 2 hours ad hoc probably can’t tell someone 24/7 how they should do things and vice versa. (But they can both learn from each other!)
I guess this is where “submission is a gift” comes from. It’s a phrase I think is dreadfully overused, mind. Mostly because too many seem to use it as a weapon or that someone should be grateful, “My submission is a gift” yep, it is… but likewise, so is the Dominance. Two people playing together is a gift to each other. Trust is two ways.
So where does this take my ramble.
I think partially that I’m a lot more focused than 7 months ago. It’s good to question yourself but not to let questions eat you up.
I don’t need to know whether I’m a sub or more of a bottom or whatever, I just need to know that W/we are both happy if W/we play together.
I feel there may be aspirations to be gained for wishing to be more submissive, but that my preferred method is not to force anything and see how relationships develop.
To reiterate what I said above, whatever works for you is what works.
Perhaps the only thing to remember is this applies to everyone and it’s only really an issue of someone tries to tell you their way is the best.
You can feel submissive without it truly being submissive and – honestly – fuck labels and definitions if you are having a good time.
If you read this and now feel sad what what you are doing is not “real” submission – then please, do not, do not let this stop any fun and if it’s real to you it is real. If however, this gives you further thought and aspirations then… go for it.