Tag
bdsm opinion
Can We Please Stop the “Subs outnumber Dommes” myth? The ratio between subs and Dommes is a lot closer than many claim.
It’s all too frequent that there is someone who will harp on about “the ratio” – how there are 10, 100, 1000 sub men to every Domme – how is anyone supposed to have a chance?
What if I told you, the actual ratio between subs and Dommes is 1.6 sub men to every Domme?
You wouldn’t believe me? Would question my source?
If you google “myths about submission” the vast majority of results that come back are bias towards submissive women.
And this is valid, and a lot of points are completely transferable, but – all too often I see myths that a lot of submissive men feel about themselves, or feel they have to live up to, or that they face.
As someone who has often previously been an advocate on the whole “come to munches” thing, and of course run a munch (which you should totally come to) there’s a lot where my mind has changed a little bit over time.
I mean, I have thought that “come to a munch” has sometimes been a bit trigger happy especially if, say, it’s a guy who’s being send inappropriate messages online and then moaning “but this is a sex site”. That going to a munch isn’t really in their best interests – nor – of those who he has been sexually harassing.
A somewhat hot topic recently has been around ‘filming tributes’ and how right or fair they are.
Often the fee/payment to see a Pro-Domme or engage in some form of online (or other play) is known as the ‘tribute’. With many also doing filming to some degree, in many cases the subs are contributing a ‘film tribute’. The guys are paying to be there. To star in a video which is going to make the Domme money.
Many people do not feel this is fair.
Here is my insight.
Content share shoots are extremely common.
In these two (or more) performers/creators/whatever-
The collaborative approach is also often a way to be introduced to someone else’s fanbase, which can give a publicity boost.
However, content share shoots can also be a source of frustration. For example if someone feels that what they got out of the day wasn’t representative of what they put in, or confusion over the release of clips.
There are also a lot of inexperienced chancers who try to gain kink or sex under the guise of “content share shoot”.
My following tips and suggestions are non-exhaustive. But, should help create a successful shoot.
One of my favourite stories about consent, limits, and communication sums up some of my general feelings about the problem with ‘limits’ sometimes.
The story goes.
A shibari specialist was offering play and doing demos involving a queue of volunteers.
If you are good at rope, there’s rarely a shortage of people wanting to try or play.
Some people just wanted to be tied and suspended. Some also wanted a little play. If you are suspended then any form of sensation play can be fun – wax play particularly.
I was in a conference the other day and, for some bizarre reason, they closed by asking the presenters “does pineapple go on pizza?”
My thought on this was what a bizarre way to end the day – and none of the answers were pretty insightful.
But, this did inspire a thought about that question in general.
It is one that is often divisive. To the point people really will argue over fucking anything.
A common fantasy I see raised a lot is the idea of being a live-in slave.
Except, the fantasy is not presented as being a fantasy, but a goal.
Obviously there are people who have this type of relationship, under different structures and results. However, I feel many subs and slaves are often wide of the mark on.
Why you’re not getting the play or relationships you crave
People often want different things from their patriation in the fetish community (be participation signing up for websites or going to munches/events).
And while some people seem to have great relationships, get lots of play, so on – there are those who often struggle and get frustrated.
The purpose of this blog is to highlight some common failures and also a little ‘what you can do to increase prospects’.
Punishments in BDSM often get talked about, but it’s something that’s often a little misunderstood, especially from newcomers.
Experienced subs or Dominants might talk about being punished, or punishing their subs.
If you watch BDSM clips, or read descriptions, there are some common tropes which come up.
Often that the sub is being punished. This can be for something like being untidy, not cleaning up properly. It could be for something seemingly minor, say, not using capital protocol. Forgetting “Good night” or “Good morning” messages, whatever.
Do you have to be submissive to enjoy kink?
One thing I’ve learnt over the years is that a lot of people who are, or think they are, submissive often get confused on what this entails.
That, not everyone on the “right of the slash” is actually submissive.
I’m not saying that that is any kind of bad thing.
But there’s a world of difference, for example, between someone who is a submissive and someone who is a masochist.
But, either are valid.
CLOSE TO HOME
Within myself I’ve obviously had my own questions over the years on as of if I’m actually submissive.
The image of a carrot and a stick comes from the old cartoons.
Someone is sitting on a donkey, dangling a carrot in front of its nose by a stick.
This causes the donkey to move forwards, chasing the carrot it cannot reasonably reach. A joke that it’s too dumb to realise it’s being exploited for it’s labour.
The thing is, of course. This could continue infinitum until the labour is no longer required (carrot removed) or until the donkey collapses with exhaustion.
It’s important to avoid being the donkey here and also, well, also not to try this with people. Voluntarily or otherwise.