This is a blog I think a number of conversations and more has led me to write; but it’s arguably controversial.
“Does she really like me, or is it purely financial?”
I suppose a counter argument could be from a Dominant, “Does the sub really like me or the fantasy of me? The fetishes? So on”
The real questions you should be asking are:
Am I enjoying myself?
Am I happy with how things are going?
If both questions are “yes” then there’s no problem. If either is “no”, then a discussion together on what needs to be looked at is a good idea.
As I say this came from a number of conversations. Including those I was involved in, saw play out online, so forth. Both recently and over time.
So influences include; subs whose relationships have ended and felt that the interest was only ever business, my own experiences, Dommes who’ve talked about how collaring has crept into the Pro scene and not always effectively and….
I was out for a beer with another sub and something he told me interested me; that he could never do ownership with someone who worked professionally. That, it’d always be in the back of his mind that this was business ahead of wanting him.
I found it interesting because this was someone who was generally supportive of the industry. Had booked sessions, filmed, so on. But, he knew these were largely business regardless of how much those that he was with enjoyed it or his company.
I still understand his position.
On the opposite foot; I was under consideration with someone who worked Professionally.
And, while this didn’t work out, I would not rule this out in the future. However, of course, there are things I learned from that experience that are mistakes I wouldn’t want to repeat.
Now, whilst this does talk a little around ownership, you could have any form of relationship and mistake your position in it.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE GETTING FROM A SESSION… DON’T YOU?
Sessions are easy. You discuss the basis of the session (“here’s what I’d like to do”; “these are my interests, let’s have fun”, whatever), turn up, have the session, a little aftercare – that’s it.
You know what you’re getting.
I appreciate a session can be a lot more meaningful that that – but this blog has potential to be an epic opus.
And, almost every session I’ve been in has had some form of hook.
A hook being a “Next time we could…”, “In the future we could…”, “I let trusted regulars….”
Of course, it’s important to remember that, ultimately, this is to get you to book again and/or heighten the fantasy.
Mind… depending on what is being discussed I would expect some form of follow through.
But you ultimately know everything that is said, how you feel, the charged emotions – it’s basically because this is her job and it’s her job to do things to the best of her abilities and also in the interest of her business to get repeat custom.
But, what if she says she wants to own you… it this heightening the fantasy, touting for repeat business… or something more?
THE HUMAN ELEMENT
One of the big differences between having a business as a Domme (or other sex worker) and most other businesses is a more human element.
Whilst they might tempt me with rewards, free stuff and so on, Greggs don’t really give a shit about me. If I phone my broadband provider and say “I’m leaving to get a cheaper deal” there’s no emotional attachment to us. While they’d want to keep me, (i.e. customer retention), they won’t be upset if I leave. Just as the rival broadband firm who touted me with faster speeds and a cheaper deal gives no shit beyond my custom.
But, Pro-Dommes are human. While some set professional boundaries, it’s somewhat natural that there might well be subs/clients they enjoy talking with after sessions, enjoy interacting with online, particularly want to invite to filming or events or whatever because they want to spend time with them, they want to hang out with them and so on.
WORK TIME VS SOCIAL TIME
In all of our lives we have time commitments to work, and free time outside of this.
If you’re in full time employment, you might have 2 hours travel, an 8 hour day. You’ll need to obviously cook, eat, do housework and get sleep but there’s otherwise free time you can use for hobbies, seeing friends, watching TV, whatever.
What is, say, you were on a 37.5 hour contract and your work place switched to 40 hour.
I mean, on one hand, you’d probably push for a payrise in line with this but you’d then also bemoan just how much this extra 30 minutes per day means to you as it cuts into anything from watching TV, playing computer games, seeing friends.
But, the other side, if you suddenly got a new romantic partner you might have to completely reshuffle your entire priorities for your free time to “fit them in”.
In this example – of course, you have fixed hours and a fixed salary.
So, imagine you are self employed.
If you’re self employed then your work day will be split between stuff that makes you money and assorted different forms of tasks to get people to book your services.
And that “8 hours” can be quite flexible.
Without giving another analogy I’m going to go straight to talk about Dominants and while people may look at the headline figures of what they may make (“How much per hour? She makes more in a day than I do in a month!” yes, only if you disregard her overheads and if she’s booked for 8 consecutive hours) it largely disregards that there’s going to be a lot of time outside of what makes money (in this example, the sessions) be it discussing bookings with potential clients (and time wasters), admin, profile building, web admin, accounts, so on…
Then add in on top of that the same household duties and want of a social time as the rest of us. There might be no free time to shuffle round to fit someone in.
SO WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?
I think it’s natural, for assorted reasons, that subs want to feel they are on the “social” side. Or at least, spending some time there.
You know, no matter how much you both enjoy sessions that this is work.
But, say you go for a coffee after the session.
The time spent together on this coffee is not making her money. It’s time she’s not spending on tasks for her business.
It’s also, not time she’s watching a favourite TV programme.
So, whilst this coffee may be work (be it something she’d factored in as part of the session or some form of hook to get you to book again) – then, it’s probably social.
But because of this, you should never automatically expect it. No matter how much she wants it or doesn’t, because – well – we’ve all turned down a pint with mates because we’ve stuff to do in the house (and sometimes that “stuff” might be watch a favourite TV show – we love our friends, we just don’t necessarily have the energy for them right now)
Paying for coffee time?
But what if you agreed an additional payment for the coffee time?
Then, this isn’t necessarily work. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Take our friends with a beer, we might know that one pint is actually a few and then we lose the night for whatever we wanted/needed to do and spent money we didn’t necessarily have. If you decline and your friend says he’ll keep you in beers for the night – and you think “OK”, this doesn’t mean you didn’t want to spend time with your friend and only went out for the free beers.
And so this is something that gets complex.
Are you being invited to film, to accompany her to an event, whatever – because it’s work, a reward (to say thank you for support and/or incentive for you to continue to book/support) or because they would enjoy the time with you?
And how does this change if they can only invite you if something is put towards the cost because, actually, there’s overheads?
GOING BACK TO THE FIRST POINT
So, you are with a Dominant and, yes she says something like “I want to own you” or there’s a clear and obvious offer to progress.
It’s potentially a nice offer that she wants to develop something further than you’re possibly already doing together.
I think it’s then important to find out what is expected of you. Whilst obviously being submissive is about contributing to your Dominants happiness and making sure her needs are met – the offer suggests she sees potential in you it is important to know what she’d want going forward.
But it’s also important to communicate what you might like and also understand what is on offer aside from being able to change your status on social media.
Giving more… receiving more?
If the change of relationship involves her giving you more time then this may need to come out of her “work” time than “social” time however much she enjoys it.
In turn this may mean there are additional rules which could include monthly tributes, helping with work related tasks, following on subscription services, buying clips, promoting her, so on.
So, if you’ve been enjoying what you’ve been doing already and then it’s “Hey, wanna be mine” you might be flattered, but then if suddenly hit with a whole bunch of rules which effectively “reward your loyalty” by asking to pay more (directly and indirectly) and do more – then – I do feel you are right to make sure you are happy with the situation.
That, this is an industry where fantasy is for sale, it’s important to be sure this isn’t what is touted to you under the guise of a reward.
And, for Dominants, this is something also important to consider when creating and communicating rules. While you might have a sub who wants to contribute to your happiness and wants to be part of your life; that things can seem rickety if it feels like you’re selling a Sky package piecemeal.
That ownership can be a beautiful thing, but it has to be better than both of you.
So, I don’t really dismiss why any sub wouldn’t want ownership if they had concerns things were primarily about money.
I think also add in an extra layer that any changes to the subs income could leave them worried about how this will affect the relationship – and they probably would neither be the first nor the last to build up debt for fear of losing a relationship they couldn’t afford to be in.
Or feeling they were “lesser” if they knew they’d been cut a special deal. Or missing out because of associated paywalls.
Subs might also be concerned that while there are things they might have provisionally been offered, that in a financial based relationship they could be gazumped for opportunities, priced out or pushed out if there are other subs/clients who can pay or contribute more due to circumstances.
WHY I COULD DO IT
It’s not black and white. A lot would depend on the context.
This also isn’t a come-and-get-me but, I mean, who knows on the future? Perhaps this could seem a natural step for someone I’m already building a strong friendship with – or maybe I meet someone new who turns my life upside down?
That I understand things can be business AND pleasure and as long as we can discuss doubts I might have up front this time, along from what I’d like to be considered for as well as what I can offer… then, I dunno… maybe. If we both benefit.
My point is:
If you can understand why she might have certain needs in order to have the time for you. If you can be sure you can contribute to her happiness in a way that also satisfies you, then it can work.
It makes no sense being in a relationship you’re unhappy with just to say you’re owned.
And even if it’s wholly business. You can still be happy.
MAKE SURE COLLARING ISN’T CHEAPENED
I think in a world where there is a lot of bleed between lifestyle and professional sides of kink it does make sense “ideas” transfer through. (I’m sure someone might come along now who is pro and had owned subs 20 years ago – I honestly couldn’t pin point a history).
Collaring is symbolic. What that means can vary, but it’s something that should be worked on. When the Mistress puts the collar on the sub, she should mean it when she says “you’re mine”. The sub should feel it and be proud to wear it and uphold what it represents.
Ownership isn’t something that should be available for a monthly fee. Whilst a sub might feel special if offered ownership; that soon feels awfully less special if it’s something the Dominant seemingly offers out so often.