I feel that in a couple of recent posts [including my recent blog post] and some comments I’ve made on social media that, there’s things I’ve implied that take away from somewhat of a core message.
Without wishing to defend myself too much; I find a big problem is trying to keep blogs down from being epic opuses, when there’s so many branch points off.
But, not just me – there’s something many others are missing, forgetting, or not always relaying…
So – subs, would be subs, slaves and would be slaves.
The most important message you should constantly be drilling through your head is…
Ask not what your Dominant can do for you; ask what you can do for your Dominant.
Because the more you can focus on that, the more you get that right, the deeper your journey can go.
The more you find you get out of things.
The better for everyone.
It’s that simple.
And you might start thinking here; “But I got nothing”.
You have. There’s skills you’re likely using every day – that are transferable. You can literally ask Dominants “what skills would they find useful in a sub” and if you do not have those skills, there’s potential to learn.
Now, it might be your primary concern is only your fetishes, your experiences and what you get out.
I’m actually gonna say here – that’s totally fine. But it’s not really submission.
But, I didn’t say that’s a bad thing.
It’s still down to your overall attitude if you go out and about in your local scene and make friends and may well end up playing together.
You could still approach a Pro about booking a session and, you know, I think most that have scope to session would accept or reject based on your application as such – and accept that you might just be someone who wants a couple of hours under an illusion of being a sub, or an illusion of giving up control.
There’s more and more Pro’s whose websites I’ve seen which has a “how do you describe your role?” section with elements like kinkster and fetishist alongside sub, slave and masochist (and, all of these might have similarities – but have core differences)
Of course, other things I’ve said are valid. And I will double down on these. That when you discuss any form of servitude or anything beyond-sessions with a Dominant you have to be happy with the arrangement.
This doesn’t mean you get to negotiate the arrangement.
This doesn’t mean the Dominant has to bend to your needs. But if you enter a relationship with a situation you aren’t fully happy with, this happiness isn’t going to magically appear.
It also has potential to breed resentment.
There are tropes I don’t agree with. A common problem (in life in general) that people tend to spend a lot of time doing things to please or impress someone else – and in D/s as much as anywhere else you have to take care of yourself. You can’t effectively help, take care or serve others if you’re not taking care of yourself.
An unhappy sub is not giving their best – so potential for an unhappy Dominant.
So something has to be looked at in the relationship.
There is, after all, a reason why out of all the Dominants in the world, you wanted to serve *them*.
Ultimately. I feel there are many cliches, but they are important.
“What did you do for your Dominant today?”
Even if it was sending a good morning message, wishing them well, asking if they’d had a nice day. It’s inquiring about their well being.
It can’t always be a daily big gesture, but little things stack up.
Write something nice about them on social media.
If your Dominant sells clips, or uses other websites, platforms or tools then both familiarising yourself with them (you might be able to pass on some tips on using them) or researching other/better alternatives is useful.
Otherwise a lot depends on the nature of your relationship what tasks are OK to pick up or not – but those are some simple tips.
“But, as I’m not a sub does that mean I can’t have a Mistress/Dominant?”
Perhaps a conversation for the future, but… ultimately, as long as there’s an arrangement that works for you both, I don’t see why not.