I tried to write this a few times over the past few weeks.
I end up tying myself in a mess and bulldozed it and started again, but, I think one of the most singular important lessons about kink/BDSM.
Your journey is yours alone.
(Your being both an individual and a collective to any in your relationship/dynamic)
In some of my bulldozed drafts, I got a bit lost with given examples.
I’ve been guilty in the past of being hung up in the past before. You know – 19 year old Masters or 20 year old Daddy Doms or whatever.
I think, mind, if you do not have a play partner to fill the necessary other part of this equation you might struggle a little to find someone to take your title seriously, but, if you do have a sub/slave/little/whatever whom is happy with this title/dynamic – it doesn’t really hurt anyone.
To me, it’s just important to talk within your experience and of course, not assume that something that works for you is “right” for everyone at what everyone should do.
You can always choose the play you do, the toys you use, who you play with.
Even if you want to surrender that control, you still choose to surrender that control.
There was a conversation I was involved in recently where the question was “does BDSM have to involve pain?” and it was quite interesting to see a mixture of responses and a lot of people who were very tight with what they believe and a lot who were very narrow to think outside of CP/impact play.
But everything is fine. Some people that “play” is the only element they incorporate and that’s fine – but for others… I mean… how about this, you will come to my house weekly – I will set you household tasks. I will score you out of 3. 3 is an excellent job and I will reward you from a defined list of rewards. 2 is an adequate job, see you next week. 1 is unacceptable and you will be punished, however, my only punishment is you don’t come back.
I mean, there are people whose relationship works like that.
That wouldn’t be anything for me (unless you want to come and clean my house 😉 I joke. I’m unsure on it) but that’s fine whatever works really.
There are plenty of people who are very knowledgeable and sometimes finding what is for you is based on trial and error and being opened to new ideas.
There’s a difference between a question based on opinion and a question based on instruction.
“How do I do breath play safely?” is a question based on instruction and people can give advice.
“How do I approach someone for play in a club?” answers are largely going to be opinions based on how they would like to be approached OR what has worked for them (OR how they think it should be, ha) but still carries advice.
“I want to try a specific kink, should I pay a Pro Domme?” is going to generate a lot of opinions and different splits. (It’s not always a black and white answer, it depends on the kink and the individuals circumstances. I approached a Pro Domme back in January because how do you ask a friend to piss on you?)
“How do you ask a friend to piss on you?” that’d be a good question that splits opinion 😉
“If she charges, is she really into it?” (short answer : probably)
“Why are there no male findoms?” (there are : or, you can always just give me cash)
“How can I humiliate my sub?” (always a fun one, short answer : in which ever ways they consent to or would get off on)
“How 24/7 is 24/7?” (depends on your relationship)
“If you’re not 24/7 is it just role play?” (possibly/probably, but ‘just’ is too often used as an insult, like, it’s lesser – and – there’s nothing wrong with just role play)
“Is it really humiliation if they ask for it?”, “Is it really submission if the sub has a safe word?”, “Can a switch ever truly be Dominant/submissive?”, “Can I serve more than one person?”, “My wife isn’t into this, what can I do?”
And there’s probably a whole bunch of other questions around this which may have a lot of different opinions but ultimately, some of these the right answer is what works for you and the wrong answer is what doesn’t.
It’s a very personal thing.
I think, what I’m trying to say.
There are a lot of opinions and some questions have definite wrong answers, but a lot are very personal and it’s important to take things as guidance and not to heart.
If you are a 20 year old Daddy Dom with a 23 year old little girl – and you’re looking for advice and someone says “you can’t be a 20yo DD with a 23 yo lg – you’re too young and she’s whatever blah blah blah” then they’re probably wrong. If it’s working for you.
It may be you need to grow experience, but that’s why you’re asking the question to help grow this.
If your relationship is with a Pro Domme and someone is like “It’s not real it’s just an act because you’re paying her, blah blah blah” then that doesn’t really offer anything. Only yourself and the Dominant know if you enjoy your time together. The fact money changes hands is moot.
The list of examples I could go on with here is endless, everything from Kink Shaming, to “you’re too hard” or “too soft” or, whatever.
There’s never any harm considering someone’s view point to get more out of what you do, but, ultimately…
What works is for you.
I say this from a position that I took something to heart earlier this year I shouldn’t have, which threatened to derail me a bit. As most of you know, I’ve had a very busy and productive year and I acknowledge strengths and weaknesses in what I’ve been doing (strength : I’ve met lots of amazing people, heard lots of interesting stories, experiences, viewpoints. Weakness : instead of growing stronger relationships with a small number of people, I’ve just been making a lot of new acquaintances) but, earlier this year this all threatened to come off the rails.
I think before you take someone’s view on board – think of who they are and where they’re coming from.
Are they speaking from experience or agenda?
Or talking shit for the sake of it?
If they are talking experience, how broad does it apply? I can talk to you about bad experiences I have, but it’s important to know why these experiences happened, to avoid them, rather than lambasting a whole section.
Perhaps this is all meta.
Here is me, writing what is effectively an opinion – telling you not to get too wrapped up in the opinions of others 😉
And with that, I’m disappearing in a puff of logic.