The thing with kink, is it isn’t actually a ‘need’. You go through Maslow’s ‘hierarchy of needs’ and there’s no line for ballbusting. We ain’t gonna die or go unfulfilled if we’re not sucking toes. Water is as good (if not better) for hydration than piss or spit.
Kink is a want. Though, it doesn’t half feel like a ‘need’ sometimes.
That in itself can be unhealthy and lead to bad decisions. It’s important not to compromise your own boundaries for kink. It is important to find other ways to satisfy this ‘need’.
Some folk might point back to Maslow’s pyramid and point out that the third tier up (the bottom/first tier is food, shelter, water, etc etc) is love and social needs.
This includes intimacy, acceptance, friendship and so on.
It’s this third tier where kink can satisfy these needs. For example, play is very intimate even if sex is not involved. Having fetishes understood can feel like acceptance.
I would go on to say some kink would fit into the 4th tier, Esteem, because of the mutual respect needed from scenes. And in the extended hierarchy, this is someone where someone can feel like they’re developing, pursuing goals, etc.
I can get the arguments of why some would say they ‘need’ kink, but kink is rather something which can satisfy needs, rather than being a need itself.
There are other ways to satisfy those same needs.
Kink as a want, mind. Yeah – this can be an enjoyable thing to do. I wouldn’t dissuade anyone from practicing responsibly.
However, There’s something I’ve seen time and time again and I was also slipping into this trap.
Relying on kink to satisfy needs can be unpredictable.
So I could book a session, for example. But what if I lacked the income? I now can’t meet this need. So, what if for example, I overspent. Booked a session I couldn’t afford? While that fills the need within kink, the second tier of Maslow’s pyramid is security, which includes financial security, a need I am now jeopardising.
And I’m using myself as an example here, but I’ve seen others do similar.
And this overspending isn’t exclusive to the pro side. It can be going to events in the hope of playing (entry, couple of drinks, cab home – eek – £50-£60 spent easily!) or buying toys you’ll hope someone will play with you with.
But I’ve also seen those drop limits or boundaries to try to meet this. Some of the telltales are when you see someone going “I’ll do anything” but I have in the past been on film days where guys had applied and turned up and were agreeing to things they were not comfortable with for the sake of doing scenes.
This is also something which can be just as applicable to Dominants also, mind.
The question of course is, if you can’t afford (or don’t wish to do) pro sessions, but want this ‘need’ met, what can you do? Here are some suggestions…
PARTAKE IN LOCAL KINK COMMUNITY
Around the UK, most people have at least one munch in travel distance. This is similar in many countries, even ones which are not known for kink. Granted, some countries may be more sparse than others, and I sympathize with anyone who lives in a small town 2 hours from anywhere.
Whilst attending munches, dungeon events, fetish parties, etc. tends not to come with a certainty of play – they are a good way to meet friends (satisfying a social need) and talk openly about kink (satisfying acceptance).
Obviously of course, this isn’t a route for everyone. The expense can add up. Sometimes there can be personality clashes. Some folk have anxieties about bumping into friends, workmates, clients etc – that even though everyone is ultimately there for similar reasons, this can be awkward.
One thing that can help with some costs, if you get known – offer to volunteer to help out.
Saving on entry fees in exchange for serving cups of tea or monitoring the dungeon for an hour can be a balance.
FIND A NON-KINK HOBBY OR SIDE-HUSTLE
Linking these even though they’re technically different.
But doing any form of hobby, joining a club/group for another interest. Going to concerts. Also provides some of these needs without the risk of ‘outing’ your kinks.
Again if money is tight, if you can take up a hobby that can be done mostly at home, with online groups, this can save cash. If this is anything that can be monetised this is something which can add towards other kink routes.
Mind, monetising your hobbies is a step towards burnout, tred carefully.
VOLUNTEER FOR A CHARITY OR ORGANISATION YOU SUPPORT
There are a number of charities for a number of different causes that always need a helping hand and is a good opportunity to use your existing skills and gain new ones.
In itself, meeting needs.
As a good way to meet others (social) and see the value your work does (esteem) it is something open to more people.
The slight downside of volunteer work is that it can become a commitment and sometimes others can take you for granted. Remind yourself and others that if you’re not being paid for your time and efforts, you don’t owe anything above what you’re willing to do.
RE-EVALUATED YOUR IDEAS OF NEEDS
I’ve covered this a lot in other points, but if it feels like you NEED kink, or NEED to submit or NEED certain activities. That ultimately, you don’t. That, acting like this as well as some of the above problems can seem as ‘needy’ towards others, which is never a good look.
It also ends up putting too much stock into outcomes you can’t control – so if you go out with a hope of getting play or certain activities and don’t, as well as the ‘need’ not being met it can actually add to unhappiness.
BUT BLACKSHEEP… HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS WHEN YOU PLAY ALL THE TIME?
Do I?
You see clips going up twice a week from me, and I’m in most of them.
A recent film day had 16 scenes shot and that is 2 months worth of updates.
I, to a degree, cannot complain – but I’ve been 5 months between shoots more than once. And that film days are, something, they’re not really the same intimacy as private play and is effectively a monetised side hustle with all the work (and burn out) that goes with it.
But this in itself leads me to my last point on what often leads to unhappiness; comparing to others.
You don’t know the stories, you only see things on the surface. The only person to compare yourself to is yourself, and where you were a year ago.
If this is not in the direction you wish to go, a question on how you change this up.
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