I always liked the idea of doing retrospective diaries – particularly when there’d been sessions, filming or events I’d not documented before.
Today, I’m going to take you back to 2001. To a period of my life. How I got into kink.
I often joke that I “took a break” and then came back, the break lasting 15 years.
But, what happened before this ‘break’?
Back to being a teen
So, 2001. I was 19 and had somewhat of a social life. I’d started to increase a circle of acquaintances which often meant that if I wanted to go somewhere there’d often be someone there I knew. Whilst going out with friends was always preferred; if I’d wanted to go somewhere that friends didn’t, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.
There was a monthly night in a bar which had bands on, then a little bit music til 1am (which was late in those days!). I used to often go out to see the bands and then sometimes get the last bus home with a new t-shirt or CD, or stay out til the end and get and share a taxi.
A few days before a gig, 8th March 2001, I text a friend who I thought might like them. The Narcissus Pool, I kinda electro-goth-sleaze thing, ‘For Porno Use Only’ is a tune and a half.
Sometimes she came, sometimes she did not, but Fay text back, “Sure, but I’m not staying after the band because I’m going to Tension”
I curiously replied, “What’s Tension?”
“A fetish club”
“Can I come?”
And, well, that’s how the story began.
Rewind a bit more
Now, perhaps I kind of need to rewind a little bit more.
I can never fully piece what I “already knew”. I’m not actually sure if I knew what happened at a fetish night, other than the clothes I wore to the Goth night would be fine. (That night I wore some SDL bondage pants and a fishnet shirt)
I had been familiar with a lot of fetish imagery through a mixture of the music I listened to and things I’d been exposed to due to my Dad’s involvement in comic and graphic novel distribution; it often took me to interesting places with interesting artwork on the wall.
Whilst information on the internet was limited; and stuff I could access even more limited – I actually didn’t really look at all that much porn. And stuff that certainly was porn I just enjoyed looking at and reading about more than masturbating over – and it was mostly splosh. UMD and whatever sites that linked to that also weren’t blocked!
But still, whilst not completely ignorant, I had no idea how the night would unfold.
Truth was, I actually just wanted to hang out with my friend.
Nothing prepared me for this
I loosely remember some of the first people I saw. There were a few guys in full rubber – ladies in assorted states of dress and undress. I think there was a theme, maybe cowboys and indians? And someone in a kinda latex cowboy outfit. Or something. I’m talking back nearly 20 years. I just remember being pleasantly impressed.
There was something in the vibe that made me feel rather, sexually alive.
Some of the order of events I don’t quite remember, but I think one of the first key moments.
I asked Fay if I could kiss her.
Why this is such a big thing, that was actually my first kiss (well, my first kiss I remember, there is suggestion of a drunken fumble with another lady at a house party when one or both of us were being sick in the bathroom – but that’s best forgotten).
Neither of us wanting things to get awkward (I mean, she was there with her boyfriend) I left her in peace and another young lady really caught my eye.
Someone, who I believe got put out, was being a bit of an arse to someone on the dancefloor. So, this lady picked up a long whip and pretty much snapped his ankles with the full length of the whip. Impressive. That got him to stop.
I got loosely talking to her and something happened and I ended up bent over a chair, pants round ankles whilst she spanked (and possibly flogged) me.
During this ordeal, there was a guy who was with a lady who he explained was selling kisses for charity.
He had paid her £1 to kiss my arse!
I think after this I ended up spending the rest of the evening with the lady who’d been spanking me and we ended up kissing (first AND second kiss in the same night!) and there was one point I was licking her tits in the middle of the dancefloor.
The punchline of all of this, I hadn’t even realised there was a dungeon in another room!
Becoming a regular
After this, of course, I became a regular.
I never saw that lady again. And, although Fay did start going again, I’m sure she didn’t go for a little while.
The club moved venues (it’s probably been in almost every venue in Newcastle at some point) and I’m not sure if it was a mixture of her shifts or the outrageous bar prices (almost £4 a pint, in 2001) so, for a bit I ended up just, well… going on my own.
Over what was a few months I did make some new acquaintances. Virtually every event I’d be involved in some form of play because either someone would offer or I would ask. I was certainly less shy about asking back then, and it feels folk were very happy to ask.
I got to experience being hogtied for the first time. Introduced to electroplay (that was rather euphoric!). I did often find myself hanging upside down on one of the frames. One time when hung upside down someone had great fun teasing my cock and nipples.
Nothing quite lived to the madness of the first night, but it was always a lot of fun. But not just always playing but watching, socialising, dancing. But, I didn’t really do the munches or other things, so this was the only time I saw some folk. This was definitely a weakness.
Info was sparse
Consider there wasn’t a Fetlife or other real social media site. I was only really meeting people there.
Also, I’d found some of my own research rather… limited. I had managed to get onto a couple of BDSM websites, dating sites and chat rooms. The information wasn’t great, there was a lot of people on ideologies and yep, a lot of guys just looking for their fetishes. A lot of “seeking 24/7″/”Whatever Mistress wants” fantasists.
Because of some of this, I made a few mistakes.
Loose lips sink ships
One mistake I made was possibly tidied up quicker than it seems. I’d found this club and it was wonderful and I’d had such a great time and, like anything else I found that was great – I wanted to tell people about it.
This is something that did the rounds a bit and, I was told, “caused concern”.
This is something that had me a little bit paranoid at time, worried I was, or had, pissed people off.
The truth is possibly somewhere between I should have been more cautious with discretion and that the person who told me was overstating things a bit. Perhaps things had gone through the rumour mill.
My defence, however, would be that – well – nobody had actually told me and I was unable to freely get this information.
That the kink scene of 20 years ago seemed such a closely guarded secret that the information needed on do’s/don’t’s etc was also locked away!
A first beating
Although lots of people played and did impact scenes, I’d never seen anything like this before.
There was a lady, she was like the comic book Dominatrix. Long boots, long gloves. Shiny dress.
She was an enchanting lady, I’d never seen her before. A young Black Mistress.
She gave someone quite a hard flogging scene.
I think I’d done some impact, but little above the spanking and flogging from the first night.
I approached her.
She chained up my wrists to hooks on the ceiling.
If I recall the majority of blows were to my upper back.
She started with just spanking of the gloves. I remember the first strikes. It felt nice, but fierce. Can I do this?
She asked if I was OK.
Looking back, she did nothing wrong. But, I didn’t know this. I didn’t know where was/wasn’t safe to hit. Apart from seeing her flog one guy who probably already had good levels, I didn’t know what she could do.
But, I think I was certainly lucky she was clearly an experienced Dominant.
I remember moving onto the flogging. It was unreal. Like nothing I’d felt or experienced before.
She built things up in a crescendo.
I was struggling. But I didn’t want her to stop. I wanted to kinda push to see how much I could take.
I didn’t know about safewords! But, she was checking on me, I kept saying continue, and I assumed if I said stop she would.
I was shaking. Trembling. Hurting. She kept checking on me. I kept nodding to continue.
Whilst I didn’t know this at the time, but this was my first experience of subspace.
I remember another Lady, who I also knew from the Goth scene, came over and asked her to stop. “He’s had enough” and helped me down.
At the time, I won’t say I was angry or anything like that, but I felt it shouldn’t have been stopped, I was frustrated. Disappointed.
I also hadn’t realised this but quite a lot of people in the club had been watching this and how hard it was going. With some of the lines on my back she may have used a single tail or some form of whip.
So, perhaps, when I *say* she did nothing wrong – perhaps agreeing what would be used would have been right. (Mind, in my naivety I would have just said everything)
Looking back. Yeah, it was right to stop. I was inexperienced and taking things too far.
Some of these things kinda started to lead into my ‘break’ from the early kink adventures.
These weren’t the only factors
I don’t want to gloss too much over a rather awkward house party. But it had got mentioned I was a virgin and then plans afoot to change that, coupled with some changed minds and me feeling rather naked and silly (though, gift of hindsight, better than having sex one or both of us later regretted)
Also add in, a separate friend who I was somewhat drifting apart from had started going (now that really *is* another story) and, I dunno.
Something that had been fun had, in a short space of time, got seemingly complex in my mind and I’d felt the best thing to do was to miss a couple of months and get back into it.
Not helped that I’d been in and out of hospital with a fairly serious, but unrelated, head injury – it became a habit that got broken that became very difficult to get back into.
15 years away
But, 15 years?
I mean, what happened?
Life happened. I did actually lose my virginity (hurray!) saved money a bit so I could go to a festival… got married. Got divorced.
(I mean, I was running a splosh website during that marriage, so it wasn’t kink-free) and then eventually, one day, the time was right.
Maybe that’s a story for another day.