I’m not going to lie, I’ve found things fairly tough for a while now.
It’s felt a bit that just as one thing was going right or getting sorted another thing was going wrong and it’s felt like constant firefighting for, well, pretty much 18 months or so.
This has led to some really, really, low points – and I’m grateful to those who tried to support me at the time.
There were many things getting on top of me – I felt like I was losing – I didn’t know what to do about it. I felt quite isolated, but then guilty for feeling this way when I know so many great people.
In a cruel blow, it felt like things were getting sorted, some money struggles were turning around. I was feeling better in my day job. I was feeling better socially/locally. I was finding filming opportunities were starting up again… and then, my relationship with Miss Suzanna ended.
I can’t tell the full story, it’s just too long. I also don’t really wish to. But, it was sudden, it was unexpected. I didn’t see it coming.
And, although talk on “we’ll still be friends” – y’know, I’ve heard that before. I’ve a few exes who’ve said “we’ll still be friends” and it’s all slipped away.
So, it felt like a bigger ending than it might actually be. And, from there, it felt a lot more was over for me.
That, it was a sharp move back to the start.
But. Again, the past few weeks a lot of people have been very supportive. The best support at all being those who I don’t really think were trying to. They just reminded me that I know amazing people just by continuing to be themselves.
Whilst I’d not felt if I should attend Messtival or not, it ended up doing me a lot of good.
I’m now in a position where I’m feeling optimistic.
From a “what do I get” perspective – there are filming opportunities opening up – some I’m actually having to try to juggle!
I only actually have one day booked in but it’s with someone I admire greatly.
There’s also a few other bits and pieces I think are very likely to happen which I’m looking forward to – and – it’s good.
But, my worth isn’t measured just on what I get.
I had a realisation recently – I do actually help bring joy to a lot of people.
In some of the stuff I do in music it brings people together.
I obviously help run a munch – and whether that’s a space for those who’ve been around a while to socialise or an entry point for newbies – it adds a lot of value and helps people.
Like. People like my blog. Whether this is catching up on my stories. Discovering people I’m promoting – or finding help from some of my advice. And, like, I appreciate the value this adds.
And, y’know… there are people who appreciate my usefulness. And, I hadn’t actually realised this in some ways. And, this is good. Helping others is good.
Obviously, of course. Ultimately in this I don’t wish to just be a spectator. I realised there’s actually some things I haven’t done in a long long time. And I would like to do them again – but – none of the above actually entitles me to it.
But, that’s OK. Because if I can take the happiness in my contributions… then… I dunno.
Anything else is a bonus.