A common scenario I see from sub guys is this kinda dilemma.

They have, or had, a partner and the relationship has proceeded as relationships do.  They’ve then perhaps raised a fetish, or dynamic, or idea and their partner just hasn’t warmed to it.

Perhaps they have a foot fetish and their partner is grossed by feet.  Perhaps they want their partner to be “Dominant” and their partner just isn’t really interested.

So they then either accept this and the relationship continues. Or, this becomes something that ends.  But it can feel like both have wasted time putting into a relationship that at least one could never be happy with.

To counter this. There are of course people who are very explicit in what they want.  Be it they want a FLR. A partner who is Dominant. Who has certain kinks or fetishes. Who enjoys having their feet worshipped, or at least open to the idea.

But then there becomes the problem that, this can be off-putting to a potential new partner.  That, even in fetish communities, it can come across as if people care more about the fetish, the kink, the idea, the fantasy… than an otherwise compatible partner.

So, just how do you balance. You don’t want to get into a relationship that is not going to go where you want, but seemingly being ‘too honest too soon’ can be off-putting.


The average relationship is 2 years, 9 months.  Of course this has the polars between people who’ve been together for life and those that end after 6-12 weeks.
My point is most people will have multiple relationships and most of them will end. (Of course, all relationships eventually end, the death of one partner if nothing else).
Sometimes we might pressure ourselves that our current/next partner has to be for life (or, has to be short term) and feel that everything has to be perfect.

Obviously there are ways to be trapped into unhappy relationships, but if you raise a kink, fetish, dynamic, etc. idea and it is rebuked, one of two (arguably three) things will happen.

1) The relationship ends. Not necessarily immediately. But, relationships fail and not being able to do something important to you could be a factor that leads to your unhappiness and the relationship to end.
As I say, most relationships end. This sucks, but it’s nothing to worry about it.
2) You might be disappointed. But if you are otherwise happy with the relationship, and while this sucks, relationships are rarely perfect so it’s something you deal with.
3) While less likely, it’s possible.  That despite being rebuked that having had the conversation it might be at a time in the future it is either appropriate for you to raise this again, or, your partner might actually raise it (“Are you still interested in…?”)

What I’m saying here is just focus on enjoying the relationship. And, if incompatible kink views is what ends the relationship, then this is nothing to feel too bad about.


“Foot fetish” isn’t a personality trait. It’s a fetish.
Even, “I am submissive” – well, great, but what exactly does that mean? People have so many different ideas.  Does this mean you like being bossed in the bedroom?  Want a FLR? Enjoy certain play or servitude?

This is one of the biggest failures I see.

So what do you like to do when you’re not kissing feet? What makes you good to be around? What do you have in common with a prospective Dominant or partner?

What if someone said “OK, you can kiss my feet” and you then went to their house and found that they had a widely different political view to you?  Hated all the TV you enjoy? Cannot stand the sports you love or love the sports you hate? Just have a personality type that just doesn’t really work for you?

I mean, sure you can awkwardly get down and kiss the foot – but – there’s going to be no real conversation, no connection, no click.

And, especially if you want a relationship – there does need to be something in common.  You need to be able to hold a conversation.

And while there is an idea of “we could get to know each other” there does have to be some form of initial interest or click.

Just because you’re looking for someone into the idea, you still need other things in common.


This is something that is often overlooked.  But, find a partner through any channel.
Make sure you do more than an equal split of housework, do it proactively without being asked.  Get them up each day with breakfast ready and a favourite drink.
Make decisions that put them at the centre.  Make sure they have final say in big decisions.
If you ever see couples where one is deemed to be “doting” who’d “do anything for them” – there is a big hint of submission there.

Granted, this isn’t kink. So, as always it’s important to be clear that when you say “I am submissive” what you might really mean is “I have certain kinks and fetishes I have – that I would like to do with someone who takes up a Dominant role”


I am a big fan of the idea of passive connections.
So instead of writing classifieds, or messaging people coldly, going “Hey, you seem interesting wanna chat?” to let relationships build over time.
This could be online (interacting with people over time on forums, websites, or social media posts – which builds you both an understanding and rapport between each other) or, it could be by being known in a scene or community.

So, going to munches, events, workshops.  Talking to people with just a view for chat and you’ll quickly find there’s people you warm towards, and who warm towards you and that can often be the beginning of an eventual relationship.


It is actually hard to form relationships and the more caveats you have, the harder it can be.
This doesn’t mean do not have standards or things you insist on.  But, it means accepting this.

It is important to keep open minded with this. To understand things take time and, well, especially if you are not looking for a partner to introduce to kink in the hope of finding someone already into it.  So, it may very well take longer, since you are drastically narrowing your potential dating pool.

This is something you have to be willing to accept.


A particular problem that a lot of guys feel is that there are so many of them “Looking for the same thing”
I don’t agree with things like “the ratio” or “too much competition”.

I do, however, feel it is important to stand out.  Put the effort in. Learn from your mistakes. Learn from their mistakes.
Continue to learn to understand both what you want to do, and what you can offer. What makes you a desirable partner so you can be the type of person people would want to at least try to “get to know better”

This also shows you have an interest in kink and fetish and not just dipping a rod in Kink Lake and hoping for a bite.

Understanding does help you also, because you do need to watch out for sharks.


I appreciate the seeming problem between “too early and too late” – but – yeah. Often relationships don’t work. Let them. Learn from them.  Don’t miss out on otherwise good opportunities if you’re chasing perfection, but also don’t drop or lower standards.
Learn what would make you appealing to the type of person you want to attract and put the work and effort in.
Be seen. Be involved.
You don’t need to bring all your kinks and fetishes out on the first date – find out if you otherwise click first.

Patience is needed, but you can do this.