Something that you may see talked about in some circles is the concept of a Mentor.

For example, someone might recommend someone seeks a mentor, or someone might feel they would benefit from having one and seek one out.

Like a lot of things within kink, it’s something where there’s sometimes misunderstanding of the role.

The purpose of this blog is to look at what a mentor is, what a mentor isn’t and whether you even need one in the first place.

A MENTOR IN WIDER SOCIETY

Imagine you start a new job.  You are appointed a mentor.  They will usually be someone who is relatively experienced and knowledgeable at the company and job.
They may be on your team and/or do the same job as you, they might not be.   While your manager might coach or mentor you, they are not your manager.

This could be someone you can ask questions that haven’t been covered elsewhere like policies on breaks, whether there’s a tea rota and where is good to eat nearby.
But also they might be expert on some software, tools, or processes and so someone you can ask for advice or to clarify.

They might even whisper in your ear to spend less time on social media and tip you off stuff is monitored, or tell you that even though it says in the rules to stay off social media – everyone else does it, and no one really cares as long as the work gets done.  Whatever.

They might be someone you go to as a point of contact when your manager isn’t available or even get to read over some emails before you send them to make sure they read OK.

Some people would need more from the mentor than others, depending on experience or familiarity – but this process would generally last until someone is settled in.  As quick or as long as that takes.

WHAT IS A BDSM MENTOR?

Because you’re not employed (and neither are they…) you wouldn’t be “appointed” a mentor.  This is something someone might offer, or you might seek out.
Similarly a mentor is someone who would be knowledgeable and experienced (this doesn’t mean ‘old’!) and might be someone who is a first point of contact for any questions.
It might be someone who can recommend resources to you, be it books to read, websites to be on, munches, workshops or events to attend. Potentially also with a “what to expect” and “how to behave” and they might even be a contact line afterwards where you can feedback how it went.
They would be available for support and advice, and potentially skills training if relevant.

If you are someone who is, for example, considering becoming a Pro Domme you might get mentorship from another Pro who would help teach you about equipment, consent, dealing with timewasters, clip stores and filming regulations, how to create sessions, so on.

Some of the specific things the mentor does could be depending on what you ultimately want to achieve.  But also, how realistic this is.
One role of a mentor could be to keep your expectations grounded.   Like if you meet a nice person at a munch and you’re going to play together, you don’t need to start picking out collars or getting ready to live in their basement.

OUTSIDE OF SCOPE

A mentor would be available for advice, guidance and support.  But, wouldn’t guarantee you play. Or a relationship. Or bookings. Whatever.
This would still be down to yourself and perhaps an important thing they would tell you is that following their lead would increase your chances but come without guarantees.

A mentor wouldn’t be in a relationship with the person they were mentoring, that would be a conflict of interest.   This includes play partners.
This could be something that eventually develops, but if someone is mentoring someone (or wanting to be mentored) with intentions to find a relationship with that person then it’s already defeating the purpose.

The mentor of course would also have their own boundaries and so it’s important from there that what someone is seeking in a mentor isn’t outside of that person’s boundaries.

Equally if the mentor sets a task (say, attending something, reading something, buying something, practicing) then there’d be no “punishment” for non-completion in a ‘play’ sense.  The consequences of it not being completed is that the training/development takes longer and/or the mentor no longer wishes to mentor someone who won’t take responsibility.

FINDING A MENTOR

It should be someone relevant to what you want to achieve.  So, really you’re looking for someone experienced.
It doesn’t really matter if they are submissive or Dominant (a Dominant might be good at telling you how to approach Dominants, but then, so might a submissive) but you want to avoid conflicts of interests (such as someone seeking to mentor so they get play with you. Or you with them).

If you think you will need a lot of support it’s someone who will need to have a lot of time.  But you might be able to agree how often you might need them.

Someone who you’ve met, in real life, in your local community may well be a good call.
But, depending on what you need, someone online could be fine.

The question of course is always; what is in it for them.
And it might be that they want to help someone with potential find their way in the scene. In which case they’d need to see your potential. You would need to demonstrate it.
Or, of course, helping a friend.

Certainly asking experienced strangers to be your mentor is not going to go well.  I would also be wary of people who approach you offering to mentor you – again, what is in it for them.
It’s OK to question what they stand to gain.

Make sure it’s clear what each of you gets out of this.

But, more good people in the community is an incentive in itself.

DO I NEED A MENTOR?

Nope. Not all. While people have helped me to different degrees.  I’ve never had a mentor.

Some people learn through other methods, community learning.  Talking to people at munches or events. Asking someone nicely to show you something.  Going to workshops. Meeting people.
Reading blogs. Reading and contributing on forums.

A lot has changed over the years and whilst, previously, a mentor might have been great for answering a question or chatting with.  Many questions can be asked over Google… or on forums which are sure to attract different answers and perspectives.

However, of course, some of this can lack the personal approach of 1-to-1 interactions.

Just remember, of course, just because you want a mentor – doesn’t mean someone else wants to mentor you.

WOULD I EVER MENTOR?

I’ve been asked this once or twice. Usually by strangers.  I would never say never, but it’s not an intention.

If someone is messaging me and I share advice then that, in those moments, is a brief form of mentoring even if I am not otherwise a mentor.

I prefer to contribute to community learning.  I believe there’s more in the wisdom of many, and different perspectives.

Plus. When I write blog posts, or on forums, etc. I am contributing in my own time at my own pace when I can.

Mind. If I’ve learnt one thing over the years it’s not to rule anything out.  But, I dunno, don’t reply to this blog going “mentor me” just yet 😉