Every now and then someone will make a blog, or post, or tweet about some form of “good practice” in kink.

This is usually based around everything from safety precautions, consent, scene negotiation, vetting, whatever.

And, every now and then.  Someone will comment to say about how people are trying to make BDSM “safe” and “wrap it up in cotton wool”.

There are various straw arguments often get used (“Crossing the street isn’t safe!”, “Some people are attracted to the danger, so putting safety in place negates that!”, “Don’t tell me how to play!”) which I will look at also.

But, I dunno, is BDSM becoming “too safe”?

THE PRECONCEPTION

A lot folk have preconceptions and fantasies of what they think BDSM will be like.  Both in terms of private play and public clubs.  For some perhaps this might be the element of danger and unpredictability. Like, anything can happen at any time.

It’s all very Sex n Drugs n Rock n Roll (the greatest cliche ever told).
Mind, we like the idea – but when we pay £50 for a concert ticket and the band is 3 hours late on stage then walk off after 3 songs, we don’t feel like we’re living in the danger, but being ripped off.

But. Actually, even as someone who first walked into a fetish club 20 years ago. Some of the feelings don’t necessarily go away.
The uncertainty of what you will see or be involved in… but actually most nights you might just catch up with friends.  That if you go in with too much expectation of things favouring you, you might come out disappointed.  That, it might be best to have some scenes and who you’re playing with pre-planned out.

This doesn’t mean some nights you won’t end up over the spanking bench being flogged by someone you never expected, or have some other thrill.

But this was the same 20 years ago.  I’d turn up to clubs, sometimes I’d end up in, or watching, one exciting scene or another, sometimes I’d just catch up with mates.

SOME OF THESE POSTS AREN’T FOR YOU

A very important word is ‘experience’.  If you have it, then you probably already know everything has risk and kinda how to mitigate it. There are safety steps you probably do without even thinking about it.

Everyone who is experienced was once not experienced and it’s important that there is some form of structure to get them there.  You may have learnt differently.
Which is totally fine and valid.
But if part of your learning involved an awkward trip to A&E, a ‘near miss’, or a discussion with police officers – even if you don’t want to share knowledge so people don’t make that mistake, others do.

To a degree, I often sympathise that a lot of experienced players see a lot of posts designed for newbies and there’s very little “how to go to the next level” kind of posts.  But, you are obviously playing how you’d like.

SAFETY WORKS BOTH WAYS

But, regardless. Safety works both ways.
If you are a Dominant, and a submissive dies in your care.  You are going to face manslaughter charges.
If you beat somebody and do serious damage, you can be charged with GBH.  “They literally asked for this” doesn’t work as a defence.
Other practices can also just be off-putting and build you a negative reputation.  Whilst some things are difficult to prove in a court, having numerous accusations about dangerous play, risky practices, ignoring safewords, sexual contact when this wasn’t negotiated, so on – this can sour your reputation, affect friendships and make it difficult to form relationships.

DEBUNKING THE STRAW ARGUMENTS

I gave a couple of examples of arguments people use, so I’m going to look at some of the common rebukes.

CROSSING THE STREET ISN’T SAFE

It’s not.
So we have the Green Cross Code.  Stop, look, listen.  You use crossings to get across busy streets.
The one time I was hit by a car was at a pedestrian crossing where the driver wasn’t paying attention and ran a red light.

But, even though that is a thing that can happen – I wouldn’t put loud music on and try to walk blindfolded across a busy road.

But in my case, I was hit because of someone else’s irresponsibility.
We’re taught Green Cross Code as kids, something kinda engrained.  And, sure, when we get a bit older we know which roads are usually quiet. We know how some crossing systems work so we know we can safely cross without waiting for the Green Man (providing we’re not in a coutnry with Jaywalking laws!)

So, yeah – it’s not safe.  But, we’re taught from childhood how to reduce the risk, coupled with assorted road laws.
If a driver does hit us, then they are very well going to be liable if they were speeding or not paying attention to the road.

In BDSM, both should be watching out for the other’s safety.  Just like crossing a street.

SOME PEOPLE ARE ATTRACTED TO THE DANGER, SO PUTTING SAFETY IN PLACE NEGATES THAT

There’s so much to unpack here.
I mean.  If someone approaches you with an idea that carries greater risk or danger, you don’t actually have to do it with them.
If someone wants to feel like they’re in danger, if you can’t create a scene that makes them feel in danger – without actually already mitigating risks, that’s on your skillset.
Remember, if someone comes to you with an idea of risk or danger – and you do this, and they get seriously injured or die – you will face charges.  There are no amount of “BDSM contracts” will get you out of this.  Even if a court felt this was a genuine accident, you would still have to live with what you’ve done.

If, however, you’re actually experienced enough that you can do this with enough control to minimise the risk of something going wrong, then your experience here is a safety measure.

So by that argument, if you are using that as an argument, someone shouldn’t be playing with you as you’re experienced and for the genuine danger so just ask any idiot?

And a lot of these blogs, posts, etc. are designed so people *do* look for experience (either to gain it sensibly, a look for people who have it) so your argument is that people shouldn’t play with you *because* you know what you’re doing seems counter-productive to your point.

DON’T TELL ME HOW TO PLAY!

Whilst never a perfect system, it’s important to try to refrain judgement within kink.
Many people have kinks, fetishes, interests, dynamics that are sometimes stigmatised in wider society – so don’t need to be within our communities.

If you want to do a hardcore no-safeword scene with someone you have just met, that is totally your call. You know the risks.

If, a few days later, you get a knock on the door from the police, or a blog goes up about how you took things too far. You knew the risks.

Now, of course, I am being slightly ridiculous.  You know the risks, which is why you might do a scene like that but with someone you’ve properly vetted and built trust up with, right? To minimise the risk of this happening.

You might, at times, follow a little bit gut instinct. Something you can draw upon from your experience.
And that is one of the benefits of experience.

Your style of play, your dynamic, the way you play – is wonderful. It’s you.
However, it is not for everyone.

Whilst I have no desire to tell you to change or how to play.  Nor should you have the desire to tell others to change.
However you like to play, it will be appealing to some and not compatible for others.

If your “concern” is that things are becoming “too safe” when someone writes something about “good practices” (mostly) aimed at newcomers – then it comes across as being questionable why you’d want this information withheld.

A CAVEAT

We are not in a perfect system and there are some who are judgemental about some kinks or dynamics.  This is not something I’m defending.

A lot of clip sites are obviously restrictive in what they can sell – and, for me, that is an important but different issue.  And, yes, there are things you can’t do in clips and write in descriptions which are overly safe and ridiculous but that doesn’t lament anyone’s private play.

SO, IS BDSM BECOMING “TOO SAFE” ?

I don’t think so.  There is more information out there, which is great. And this should hopefully reduce the situations people get into which either go too far, or they later regret.
It avoids the notion of people feeling they “have” to do certain things and instead working towards a scene, play, dynamic that everyone involved can be happy with.

That this might ultimately end with the sub getting enjoyment from tasks/play done “for their Dominant” even if a task/play they don’t otherwise enjoy. But this doesn’t have to be a staple of every relationship.

Good relationships have always taken time to nurture.

The concept that it is becoming “too safe”, quite simply, sounds like negging to me.