Punishments in BDSM often get talked about, but it’s something that’s often a little misunderstood, especially from newcomers.
Experienced subs or Dominants might talk about being punished, or punishing their subs.
If you watch BDSM clips, or read descriptions, there are some common tropes which come up.
Often that the sub is being punished. This can be for something like being untidy, not cleaning up properly. It could be for something seemingly minor, say, not using capital protocol. Forgetting “Good night” or “Good morning” messages, whatever.
But, it’s important to learn the context of punishments.
CLIPS TELL A STORY
Fetish clips in general often like to tell a story.
Often clips are sold not just showing two people embarking in an activity, but a story that goes with it. Who are the people? What is their relationship? Why are they doing this?
Effectively selling a fantasy.
i.e. “Mistress X has caught her slave masturbating without permission. She decides an appropriate punishment is to kick him in the balls”
The truth of the matter is probably something like, “Ballbusting is something that both Mistress X and the sub enjoy, it’s a category that often sells well. The two of each other know each other well enough to have some rapport”
PUNISHMENT WITHIN ROLE PLAY
Punishment is often common within role play. For example, punishment as part of a school or court role play.
It can also be part of other play without a theme. Perhaps people like a specific feeling for a headspace, or it can be a prompt to play.
PUNISHMENT IN TRAINING
This is another trope and is not really essential. But, this can be something that is mutually enjoyed or agreed.
Let’s say, for example, that a sub is being “trained” by their Dominant. There can be some form of end goal here (i.e. a collar, or whatever) with correctional punishments.
This is something important for all involved to get right, with rules and punishments agreed and negotiated.
PLAYING TO BE PUNISHED
There’s often a common trope of subs deliberately doing things to get a punishment.
This isn’t always bad, it can be fun. It can be a prompt indicating that play would be liked (but context applies, and a ‘no’ from the Dominant must be respected).
But, yes. Context applies. This works in an agreed dynamic. Misbehaving at events or online is not going to get you the punishment you desire, it’s just going to piss people off.
The likely punishment is “being asked to leave”
Equally, if you are in a relationship or dynamic. It’s important that this doesn’t overstep into being manipulative.
For example, controlling when play happens by acting up.
Depending on the misbehaviour. Failure to do house work, or complete a fair task. The task STILL needs done, and the Dominant is expected to punish you. This is creating more labour.
I won’t say there’s anything wrong with playing for punishment. In Bratting. In being a Smart Arsed Masochist (or SAM for short – which can involve deliberate and persistent play up in order to wind the Dominant up enough for a severe beating) – but – this has to be part of an agreed or working dynamic. (More on Brats/SAMS/etc here)
Doing something outside of a dynamic to prompt a response is just being a dick. It’s not consensual.
THE LINE BETWEEN PUNISHMENT AND ABUSE
I often don’t feel that punishments in BDSM should be the default negotiation position.
But, let us say that a submissive agrees (reluctantly or enthusiastically) a punishment of say a fine, or a beating, or whatever.
But it becomes excessive, inconsistent, or over seemingly trivial things.
And that there’s seemingly no way to fairly revoke this consent to the punishment.
This is something, that even in CNC, the Dominant has to be completely certain the submissive is OK with it.
“You were 5 minutes late so it’s 50 lashes/£500 fine/whatever”
“I’m sorry, I really cannot do this”
“You do this or we are no longer in a relationship”
That is not healthy.
Obviously, again context applies. If a sub never takes an agreed punishment, what is wrong in the dynamic?
But, this should never be something where the Dominant can hide behind for abusive behaviour.
IS PUNISHMENT REALLY THE RIGHT CHOICE?
Ultimately. Punishment and the terms for are something that is very much that applies differently to different relationships.
But, if someone has genuinely upset you. Done something you didn’t like, or agree with.
Is the best thing here not to, as adults, have a conversation about it?
To resolve something so you’re both on the same wavelength, or understand the others perspective, to help fester a healthy relationship?
Punishments in BDSM can be fun. But they have to work in the context of your relationship and, no, they’re not mandatory.
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