Ownership : In a BDSM “Lifestyle” Relationship?
Whilst working out the next logical place to go with this mini series; a comment on the context of the relationship raised a very important point.
“It’s would be helpful to have context about the relationship type.
e.g. with love-based lifestylers, you DON’T “seek ‘ownership'” and you don’t have ‘sessions’ (free or otherwise): You seek a relationship with all that entails & communicate accordingly.”
That is something I feel is very important.
It’s also a mistake that a lot of subs make which I feel is worthy of it’s own blog.
So. Firstly. A lot tend to split the notion of “Lifestyle” and “Professional” – and this can be extremely confusing when there are many Professional Dominants with owned subs – relationships and boundaries differentiating from one to the next.
I often feel the single greatest thing that sub guys get wrong is assuming a “lifestyle” relationship is the same as a “Professional” except without paying.
Couple in with the other mistake that assuming a BDSM “lifestyle” relationship is a 24/7 kinkfest, because you live together and are both kinky.
Like a lot of my blogs, I started to write this drawing from my own experiences and people I met.
That, I do know couples who call their relationship ownership – and those who are in role a lot, or most of the time.
I then decided that one of the best things I could do was to speak with other guys who were in, or had been in, such relationships to also get their take.
So, this is people who, on paper, found what many guys think they’re looking for.
HOW DID YOU MEET?
The first question I asked was how did they meet their partners.
What I was interested in here was how many found it via kink channels and how many did not.
Tindr came up. As did via work.
There were two who did come via kink channels whilst one moved pretty quickly (but both were already experienced in kink) the other became friends via a munch first.
It seems in everyone I spoke to and all my experience, no relationship started by a stranger going “I want to be your slave,” funnily enough.
Only one actually met via a dedicated dating channel (Tindr) the rest more organically.
WERE YOU LOOKING FOR A KINK RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU MET?
This was my next question. Were people actively looking for a BDSM lifestyle relationship? Or did it just happen?
One person.
Only one person was actively looking for a kink relationship.
Everyone I spoke to was at least kink aware. Be it they already owned toys, actually met their future partner at a munch or had been curious.
My feelings here is that relationships occur more naturally when you’re not desperate for one or trying to force one.
WAS KINK FROM THE START OF THE RELATIONSHIP, OR INTRODUCED LATER?
My reasoning for this question was whether this has been people who had met organically and then tried to introduce kink – or – to hit the ground running straight into a BDSM lifestyle relationship.
The correlation was pretty much that if they met via kink then it was there from day one (in fact one person had been playing together as friends first before a relationship developed) or if they met via non-kink channels then it came later.
So from “she slapped me on our first official date” from a couple who met via kink to “…a weekend of discovery with my toy bag.” from a couple who met on Tindr.
DO YOU CALL THE RELATIONSHIP ‘OWNERSHIP’?
I said in my opening note I know couples who call their BDSM lifestyle relationship ‘ownership’. Mind, I also know many who do not.
To sum up some of the answers I got
“We did for a while, about the time I expressed a desire to experiment with 24/7”
“No, it’s an FLR we use the words owned but a long way off being owned / collared.”
“We do, my memory for timelines is fuzzy, but very early on we discussed the F/m dynamic we wanted and agreed that “Owner/toy” fit our needs, though it’s evolved to often be Boss/pupper day today”
“We don’t really use the term ownership, but I am her sub/slut. We’ve had this as the case pretty much since the relationship started.”
So, these are many examples of relationships that work, are kink relationships, female-led – yet things largely aren’t called “Ownership”
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE THE RELATIONSHIP?
“Our relationship is a normal couple to the outside world. We each have our own lives and friends, as well as shared friends and interests. At home is a little different. We’ve had periods of me living with strict rules, such as not being allowed clothes and needing permission to go to the bathroom, but often our dynamic is only restricted to play.”
“Our dynamic was quite hard to maintain. Introducing a new layer to our relationship after existing dynamics had been defined was quite hard.”
“Well it’s pretty normal we’re engaged, living together, most of the relationship is just living together. The dynamic may be the core of our relationship, but it’s more visible as the gilding of an otherwise ordinary day-to-day life.”
“A loving FLR – It’s all about her”
DO YOU THINK IT’S COMPARABLE TO WHAT A LOT OF GUYS THINK THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP WOULD LOOK LIKE?
“It wasn’t quite like the fantasy, reality got in the way a lot.”
“There’s less dress-up than you might imagine, and play revolves around what she’s interested in, so fewer latex-clad extended penis-milking scenes than porn would have you believe. But the real stuff is unbelievably intense and/wonderful compared to fantasies”
“I don’t think it is too similar to the idealised version of the femdom relationship. All relationships are about communication and compromise.”
As you can see from the above examples – there’s a big difference between the fantasy many guys have, and the reality.
And – these are all obviously wonderful BDSM lifestyle relationships – but the reality is very different.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU ‘PLAY’ TOGETHER?
So – again, a question to help with the idea of “is it a 24/7 kink party”
“My denial (caged or uncaged) / all releases are as she decides”
“We had a bit of a schedule thing going on, but some spontaneity existed too. We chose to be careful due to parental responsibilities.”
“Sometimes, particularly for more intense types of play or extended scenes we schedule it ahead of time. A lot of times that’s just one of us mentioning an interest in something and deciding when we have time for it”
“The dynamic is always part of the relationship, so all of our sex involves some play. Giving her full control, Toys, Pegging, Chastity, face-lifting, Orgasm-control/denial/
“Play time, tends to be more weekends when we are together but spontaneous rather than fixed moments.”
“Initially we tried to make sure we played once a week, but often wound up doing it more often. This did become unsustainable after a while so we played when we felt like it after that. This change has made play much more sporadic since, with intervals often growing between play. Partly due to life getting in the way, partly due to mental health constraints, and partly due to the ongoing situation which has prevented access to play events.”
So – there is a bit of a positive mixed bag – but I guess a vibe of “not always as often as you’d think”
ARE THE ROLES “ALL THE TIME” OR JUST DURING PLAY?
I wanted to be careful with this question as also I didn’t want to imply anything was more or lesser.
This also ties in with my next question I’ll come to.
“This has changed over time. Some periods of time I have been in a more 24/7 dynamic, whereas sometimes we are basically a normal couple. It kind of has to be adaptable around each of us and our needs.”
“Not ‘all’ the time, there is our relationship first but 95% it’s her decision we follow”
“The roles were just short of TPE, but as the sole earner and the money person I still had to have an element of freedom/responsibility”
“Yes, mostly. When dealing with mundane concerns or crisis, or stress from an uncontrolled pandemic it can be buried under more immediate concerns.”
DO YOU EVER STRUGGLE TO KEEP UP THE DYNAMIC?
The final question I asked was about the challenge of maintaining the dynamic and roles.
“Currently no but it’s a developing relationship and we don’t live full time with each other”
“We did, and we found it was more effort than either of us could maintain.”
“Simply put, yes, of course.”
“Yes, it has been particularly difficult during the pandemic. My partner has had some mental health struggles during this period and that has placed further strains on the both of us when we have been stuck in a closed space together for a long time. Additionally, as a keyworker, I have had other duties that have become more important to fulfil in recent times”
“Stress, mental health, exhaustion, can all make enacting the dynamic too difficult. Sometimes we have to step out of our roles/mindset to handle a situation. It is an unfortunate reality, and neither of us are happy if we have a prolonged interruptions of the dynamic.”
IN CONCLUSION?
The theories I was asking about basically came to fruit amongst this.
That those in BDSM “lifestyle” relationships – that meeting was very organic and natural in most cases.
That it’s not what the person who hasn’t experienced it fantasises about.
That, actually, it can be very hard to maintain.
But, also, be good relationship – but – still ordinary to the passer by.
Obviously for many these are somewhat of a holy grail – but, just of course to make sure the fantasy in your head matches reality.
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